


A Stranger Before Her

by rinabina



Series: The Unwinding Series [2]
Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Azriel and Nesta being friends, Cassian is a dish, Committed Relationship, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Married Cassian and Nesta are my aesthetic, Mating Bond, POV Cassian (ACoTaR), POV Nesta Archeron, Post-ACOWAR, Post-Canon, The Court of Dreams, mortal realm adventures, pain train ahead
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-07
Updated: 2018-09-20
Packaged: 2019-05-19 09:42:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 45,899
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14871359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rinabina/pseuds/rinabina
Summary: A sequel to my full-length Nesta and Cassian ficAn Unwinding.'When a lifetime can span a thousand years or more, the concept of partnership is more endless than any mortal can imagine.  Nesta and I had spent ninety-seven years together, and she still inspired a thundering from my heart. Through everything, we retained our complete faith in each other.  I’d seen her work, marveled at her skills for negotiation and strategy, and watched her strike a weapon true into an enemy.  She was more capable than most fae I knew, and the realization made my heart swell with pride.'What adventure awaits Nesta and Cassian when they are separated by their duty to the Night Court?





	1. Prologue

#### Prologue

#### Cassian

 

_I stepped into her space and pressed my body to hers.  The warmth of her skin seeped through my leathers. “I hope you’ll forgive me if I’ve already made my choice in the matter, but my decision means nothing without yours.  You choose whether you want me, Nesta Archeron. You choose.”_

_Her eyes were shining with unshed tears as her head shook from side to side.  “Cassian…”_

_I reached for her, to cradle her pretty face in my hands.  My voice was soft as I said, “In our court, it’s about choice.  You will always have that.”_

_In a bare whisper, “And if I meet my mate some day?  What then? I’ll be ripped away from you and a life we’ve built?  I couldn’t bear it.”_

_My heart broke at the thought.  “We’ll never know. It’s a risk you need to decide to take.  But, like Elain, you retain the right to decline the bond. And if your potential mate is not as respectful as Lucien seems to be, then you have us to protect you.”_

_Her lip was trembling and I brushed my thumb over it.  She froze._

_It was probably stupid, especially considering what we’d just discussed, but it seemed inevitable.  With the starlight on her face and the moon in her eyes I was helpless. She was everything I'd ever wanted and she didn't even know._

_With aching slowness, I leaned down and pressed my lips to hers.  Just once, I promised myself. Her lips were soft under mine, so soft.   I curled my fingers around her jaw, hoping, praying that I hadn’t just ruined everything.  Then, in that moment that exists between two heartbeats, when lovers decide to pull away or keep going - she kept going._

 

_***_

 

#### Nesta

 

_I felt him at my side.  My familiar unyielding barrier of safety and warmth.  My husband, my partner. A century together had led us here.  His massive frame shadowed me and the man at my feet. Cassian beheld the scene before him, hands steady and sure on his blade as it dropped into the scabbard at his back._

_Piercing hazel eyes followed the tip of my quivering sword to my trembling fingers, and met my pleading gaze.  “Cassian,” I begged. For what? I didn’t know. For him to take me away from here, wipe my memory and make me forget.  Erase this decision from the inside of my ruined heart._

_He dropped his head to my shoulder, and I felt the briefest press of his lips.  “You have to choose,” he said at my ear. For once, the deep rumble of his voice did not offer me comfort.  “Nesta, only you can choose this.”_

_“I can’t,” I cried, fear tightening on my throat like a fist.  “Cassian, I…”_

_“You have to,” he replied.  His voice was hard and empty.  He drew away from me, taking away all the warmth and succor he had brought with him._

_I was alone, like before, with no one making choices but me.  I thought of the misery I’d endured, all of the pain and the self-loathing.  I thought of the harm that had come to my family and my realm. Everything I held dear. I wanted it to end, for good._

_I looked down at the face below me, drawn tight with fear and anger, smeared with blood and filth.  He offered nothing to me now, only darkness and betrayal. His eyes cut through everything, straight to my heart, and as I made my decision, I watched them widen.  He opened his mouth to scream as I lifted the sword above my head. Every particle in my body cried out as I brought the sword down hard and fast. It cut through flesh and life itself, until there was nothing left but the barren wasteland of my heart._

_It was done._

_I fell to my knees in the growing pool of blood and wept._


	2. The Night Before

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We meet our couple many years later. It is the last night before duty calls them away. Time spent with the family and the twinkling lights of Velaris.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well HELLO!!
> 
> I've been sitting on this egg since I finished _[An Unwinding](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11027316/chapters/24576609)_. Thought it might be the right time to share it!

#### The Night Before

#### Cassian

Vibrant splashes of color were painted across a velvet sky.  The sun was sinking slowly into the liquid gold of the sea with layers of orange and scarlet haloed above.  I leaned against the window frame and watched it with gentle ease. Below, the city of Velaris lit up, one torch after the next.  They winked and flickered like lightbugs in the night sky. Behind me, in the dimly lit sanctum of our quarters in The House of Wind, my wife was fussing with her hair at the mirror.

I could hear the small sounds of her fingers lifting pins from the vanity, of her silk gown sliding over her skin, and the frustrated hissing through her lips.

I closed my eyes and soaked it in.  

“It will be a miracle if they take me seriously,” she said absently, when the silence had grown too much for her.

I turned from where I stood by the window.  “Why do you say that?”

Nesta swiveled to face me from the vanity.  She had one arm lifted to hold her hair in place.  She was smiling. “It’s been over ninety years since you've started accompanying me to the human realm.”

I crossed my arms over my chest, feeling slightly defensive.  “You’ve gone alone before.”

She twisted back to the mirror and slid the last few pins into her hair.  “Not like this.”

I let my arms fall.  “No, not like this.”

This evening was our last night together before an extended and indefinite time apart.  I was being called north for a siege on a rival Illyrian clan, and my wife was being called far, far south, to the Human Realm on the mainland.  The remnants from the war, nearly a century earlier, had finally faded. Humans and fae were enjoying the early and tentative benefits of peace. The ancient human queens had long since passed on, leaving new heirs in their place.  All but one had signed a long sought after treaty with Pythian. It had been Rhys and Nesta’s great effort over the century and now the final kingdom, Radeniel, had extended an invitation to our court, and to our emissary. A victory here would be a mighty success for Nesta.

I had seen the excitement behind her eyes, and the glimmering sparks of pride.  She wanted this, and I loved her for it.

As watched her from my perch across the room, lingering worry poisoned my good mood until it was sour.  All the beauty of the sunset had faded to the back of my mind as I watched her slide in the last hairpin.  Of course, this would not be the first time we had been separated in our long life together, yet it hung heavily in the back of my mind.  There was no foreseeable way that I could accompany her, but something inside was urging me to try. Something dark and foreboding hovered out of reach.

“I don’t mean to insult you when I ask you this, _again_ , but I mean it…”  Our eyes met in her vanity mirror.  “Will you be all right?”

She stood and there was no anger or annoyance behind her light eyes as she turned to meet me.  “Yes.”

A smile tugged at my lips as she came to stand before me.  

She pressed a gentle hand to my chest. “You can come see for yourself after you finish toasting your victory.”

I let out a sigh and covered her hand with mine.  The odds were in our favor, but the task was not an easy one.  If _my_ clan had been barbaric, this clan was primeval.  It would be a bloody slog, and a long campaign. There would be casualties, undoubtedly.  “I appreciate your confidence,” I said, sliding my other hand up her arm.

“As do I, General.”

I pressed my lips to hers in a slow, sweet kiss. One that would have lingered and transformed into something more if we had the time.

I watched her closely as her eyes fluttered open.  “What is it?”

She smelled of rosewater and perfume and the familiar scent lit a fire under my skin.  I smiled wickedly. “What time did you say dinner was again?”

Her eyes rolled heavenward and she stepped away from me, towards the door.  My fingers slid across her retreating arms, seeking purchase. “Presently. Come on.  We’ll have all night to say a proper goodbye.”

I caught her wrists and I pulled her back.  She didn’t resist, and she fell against my chest willingly.  I lifted a tendril of her hair so I could whisper in her ear.  “ _All night_ ,” I teased in mock offense.  “And when we’re far apart and aching for each other, will you think of our friends and our meal?  Will you daydream of grilled fish and vegetables? Perhaps a full glass of wine?”

“Cassian,” She scolded, leaning her head into mine.

“Or, when you’re alone in your empty bed, cold between the sheets, will you think of me and how I made you feel?”

A breath shuddered from her lips.

I nipped at her neck.  “Because food will be the farthest thing from my mind when I think of you on the field.”  I stepped close behind her, against her, lips ghosting over her spine.

She stood her ground, but did not push my hands away when I moved them across her stomach, to her hips, and I pulled her against me.  “Well?”

Slowly, she turned in my arms and flicked open the clasp on my tunic.  “Only once. I’m supposed to be taking this trip very seriously.”

I growled against the thin skin of her neck.  “And fucking me isn’t serious enough?”

“ _Cassian_.”

The buttons at her back fell open easily, and the weight of her dress pulled it over her shoulders and hips without any additional help.  I lifted my eyes to meet hers, a smile pulling up half of my mouth. “I love you.”

Nesta’s lips fought her grin until it could no longer be contained.  I took her body in my arms and held her close. Her silken skin was like sun-warmed stone on my palms.  “Don’t mess up my hair,” she hissed, before I captured her lips in a long, drawn out kiss.

We made love slowly and reverently.  I tried to memorize each sensation of her skin against mine, her muscles flexing, the warmth of her breaths on my shoulder. Afterwards, as the evening light reduced our room to shadows, we lay quietly beside each other with our legs still tangled.  Our chests rose and fell under our entwined fingers. I traced the curves of her face with my eyes, backlit from the last sliver of sunlight through the windows.

When a lifetime can span a thousand years or more, the concept of partnership is more endless than any mortal can imagine.  Nesta and I had spent ninety-seven years together, and she still inspired a thundering from my heart. Through everything, we retained our complete faith in each other.  I’d seen her work, marveled at her skills for negotiation and strategy, and watched her strike a weapon true into an enemy. She was more capable than most fae I knew, and the realization made my heart swell with pride.  

_Yet._

This trip had fought its way through the cracks in my consciousness.  For some reason, the looming shadow of her departure was cutting me more deeply than ever.  I held her tightly against me.

“Darling,” she whispered, lips soft against my chest.  “Are you sure you’re all right?”

It was no use lying to her at this point.

“There’s something just out of reach.  Something that doesn’t feel right.”

She lifted herself on her elbow to rest her head in her hand.  “Do you think we should refuse the invitation?”

I scrubbed my face with my free hand.  “No. It’s too late for that. But I would like Azriel to go with you.”

Betrayal flashed behind her eyes.  “You don’t need to worry. I’ll have my guard with me.  And some of the females-”

“I don’t trust them like I trust Az.  Even after all these years. Please…”

She smoothed her hand across my chest.  “Of course. He’s next best to having you around for protection, at least.”  Her smile was hesitant.

I laughed through my nose.  “I’d like to see Az take on twenty human soldiers.”

She glared at me.  “ _Would_ you?”

“No, of course not. Especially not where you’re going.”  The worry gripped my insides once more and I watched her carefully.  “I know you’re not your sister, and I trust you more than anyone, but please, _please_ be careful.”

She nodded.

“Prince Brynmor is young.  He is new to his crown and probably impulsive.  We know nothing about him, Az hasn’t been able to gather anything useful.  I don’t like not knowing…”

“I know,” she said, soothingly.  “The worst outcome is that we don’t sign the treaty.  Radeniel has no reason to rebel against us. The Human Realm retains all its freedoms and trade.”

I chuckled.  “Sometimes I forget how young you are.”

“Don’t patronize me,” she hissed.

“I’m _not_ ,” I smoothed her hair across her forehead.  “You weren’t there the first time, sweetheart.  It doesn’t take much. Our powers are threatening to humans.  Any misuse or mistrust can shatter the whole thing. Watch yourself and the others.”

“It’s a good thing I don’t have any magic, then.”  She ended our conversation with a slow kiss. There were so many more things I could say, so many more reasons to warn her, but she was right.  She was capable, my brother was capable, it would all be fine.

 _Fine_.

That wasn’t good enough, but for now, it would have to do.

As the threat of our separation hit me again, I deepened our kiss.  Her mouth was warm and welcoming, a comfort to the pain inside my chest.  She sighed gently over my lips and shifted in my arms to climb on top of me.

I growled with pleasure.  “I thought you said only once.”

“Shut up.”

  


***

 

#### Nesta

 

“And you’ll be gone for a very long time?”

My nephew’s voice cut through the white noise of the dining room like tiny, tinkling bells.  I smiled down at his round face. “Not perhaps a _very_ long time, but a long time nonetheless.”

He sighed and looked down at his feet, where they dangled over the edge of the settee.  He leaned into me slightly. “Ab said it could be a whole century.”

I barked a laugh and eyed my oldest, and dearest nephew from across the room.  Now over forty years old, every inch of the child in him had been whisked away, and he stood as tall and regal as his father.  He winked at me.

“Abarron _wishes_ I would be gone for a century,” I teased, loud enough for him to hear.  “Then perhaps he could become champion in the ring.”

At this, my youngest nephew, Nuri, laughed heartily.  “Ab, champion in the ring? I don’t think so, Auntie Nesta.”

I tickled his side.  “That’s right!”

In the years since my marriage to Cassian, Feyre and Rhys had enjoyed their time with their oldest son.  They had been able to absorb each moment with Abarron, and Rhys had taught him much about his legacy ahead.  He was every bit the child from Feyre’s dreams - tall and lean with a mop of silky black hair and dark freckles over his nose. To most, he looked just like his father, but those of us who knew better saw my sister’s eyes and our father’s mouth.  

It had been many years since Abarron had reached maturity.  He was a full-grown fae male now, courting his way around Velaris and accompanying his father on diplomatic missions.  It was hard to imagine that some high lords had been even younger than Abarron when they’d inherited the throne. To me, he still seemed so young - too young to put that much on his shoulders, capable as they were.

More recently, the kingdom had rejoiced at the birth of the High Lord’s youngest son, and so had Feyre and Rhys.  Compared to humans, children between fae couples were very rare. Each child in the Night Court was a treasure, and we treated them no different, even in our inner circle.

Prince Nuri, still new to this world, was sweet where Ab was my sharp-witted equal.  Even at six years old, Nuri still loved sitting close on the settees with his aunts and uncles.  He was settled between Cassian and I now, regally sipping on his tiny glass of apple cider, while we held glasses of wine. His sandy hair was like gold floss in the faelight, and his small Illyrian wings fluttered anxiously at his back.

“And you, Uncle Cassian?”

My husband’s fond smile nearly melted my heart to nothing.  “And me, little prince? What of it?”

“Will you also be gone for a very long time?”

Cassian tapped the edge of his glass against Nuri’s.  “With luck, not long. We can work on wrestling when I return.”  They drank together.

“Do you think we can have one more training round tonight before you go?  Please, Uncle?”

“I’m afraid not,” Cassian replied, face very serious, indeed. “Your aunt needs some very important last minute training.”

I snorted into my glass and Rhys groaned in disapproval from across the room.

“Oh _please_? Just one round?”

Along with his many other talents, Nuri was a very skilled negotiator, which was how we ended up on the top of our flat-topped mountain watching Cassian, my Lord of Bloodshed, throw himself on the ground at his nephew’s feet.

“Your form is incredible!” he croaked, holding his head theatrically. “How did you flip me over?”

Nuri nearly collapsed from his own laughter.  

Ab and I watched from the sidelines, stretching our arms along the railing and letting the moonlight soak into our skin.  A wind from the cliff face below billowed gently at our backs.

“Are you worried?” My nephew asked, eyeing me quietly.  The steely blue of his eyes sparkled in the darkness.

“A little. Can you tell?”

He smirked and shook his head. “Not from you.  Are you kidding? You’re a fortress of mystery.”  His gaze shifted to the ring. “Cassian is on edge, though.”

As a contrary point, there was a loud _thwap_ and Cassian was again on the ground. This time Nuri did collapse from his laughter.

“I know.  He always worries.  Everything will work out,” I said gently. “Whatever is lurking out there will come, and we will battle it as it does.”

“Just be careful, won't you?”

He reminded me of the boy he once was as he watched me with pinched eyebrows and a slight frown.  Strictly speaking, my nephew was one of my favorite beings on this earth. I slipped an arm around his back and tugged him towards me. His head dropped to rest against mine as we watched the end of the ‘fight’ in the ring.

“Can I expect you to lead the search party if I’m gone longer than a few months?”

Ab snorted.  “Me and the rest of the family, you mean.  It’s not only me and Uncle that will miss you.”

The warm feeling of _home_ bloomed like a flower in my chest and I held my nephew tighter.  Fanfare sounded from the ring, as Cassian announced the winner into the night sky.  Crowned victorious, Nuri enjoyed his celebratory perch atop Cassian’s shoulders as they met us at the railing. His hands were clasped under Cassian’s chin, giving him the appearance of the sweetest winged, Illyrian helm that had ever existed.  The handsome, punch-drunk males smiled at us expectantly.

“Did you see me flip him, Ab?”

“Sure did, bruiser. You'll have to try me while Uncle is gone.” Ab reached up for his little brother and lifted him into his arms.  “But for now, I think it’s time for bed. Will you fly me home?”

Nuri’s voice was small and quiet even as his wings flapped hopefully.  “I think I’m too tired.”

Ab smiled over his shoulder.  “I’ll bid you both farewell tomorrow morning.  Goodnight.” He summoned his own wings out of the blackness of the night, and leapt over the edge. As the wind whistled overhead, we were at last alone atop the mountain.

Cassian’s chest was still heaving as he watched them go.  The lights of Velaris sparkled down below. I watched as Cassian’s hair wavered around his face.

“What do you think of them?” he asked, as Ab’s figure descended into the city and out of sight.

“Of our nephews? You know I adore them.”

His eyes turned back to me, bright and full of laughter.  “Of _children_ , smartass.”

I smiled indulgently at him. We hadn’t broached this topic in many, _many_ years.  “Well, _those_ children are very lovely.  It’s hard to say much about other children.”

“Nesta.”  His voice took an edge of scolding, but something deeper.  Desire maybe.

We watched each other quietly, my smile still tugging at my lips.  “I’ve been thinking about it too.”

“Really?”

I nodded.  “But not now.  Let’s talk more after all of this. Tonight I want it to just be us.”

He let out a sigh as he said, “Yes.”

“Besides, General.  Isn’t it my turn for training now?” I asked, teasing a finger across his shoulders.

He let out a deep sound of approval, took me in his arms, and lifted us into the sky.

Never shy with our affections, a night full of lovemaking wasn’t unusual.  Tonight was desperate, however. I had to force myself not to miss him when he was still between my arms, over my body, inside me.

Cassian lifted me from the bed until I was facing him in his lap.  With our bodies this way, he slid deep, and I let my head fall back as he pressed his lips to my neck.  His hand was held tightly to the skin of my back, keeping me near, and the other against my breast, squeezing and kneading.  I could see the stark line of the ink around his fourth finger. It was dark against his warm, brown skin. My own wedding ring glimmered from where I had my fingers coiled in his hair.

His tongue pressed to my pulse point and I hissed in a breath.  “Cassian.”

“Are you close?” he hummed against my shoulder.  The vibrations seeped into my very bones and deeper.

“With you, always,” I teased and he laughed.

I wrapped both arms around his neck so our chests pressed together.  He lowered us back to the bed and I reveled in the weight of him over me.  He had me in two more thrusts, and I fell apart with a triumphant cry. He followed soon after, moaning my name and tensing against me.

I refused to pull away, even as he rolled us to our sides.  I wanted to remember every curve of his broad shoulders in my arms.  He pushed some of my sweaty, unraveling hair from my face and laughed.  “We’re not as young as we once were.”

“Speak for yourself, old man,” I said, arching a leg around his hips and drawing him close.

He laughed harder, the deep sound of joy reverberating in the room.  “I need a moment, wife. Let me recover first.”

We watched each other instead, studying small things while our minds wandered elsewhere.  His eyes closed after a time, and his long lashes pressed to his cheek as I traced a finger over his jaw and his chin.

“Old as I may be, I hope I’m still sufficient as a lover,” he said, eyes still closed.

“Oh yes.  Quite satisfactory, General.”

His eyes opened slowly.  “Sometimes it’s hard to remember the other five hundred years before you.”

I kissed him.  “That’s what every girl wants to hear.”

“I mean it.”  His voice was low and soft.  “There was something to be said for flying around the world with my brothers, but nothing like this.  With you, with a partner.”

He slid a hand up my curved leg, to my knee and back. I watched the way the muscles in his arms flexed under his skin and I shuddered against him.  “You’re not bored?”

“ _Bored_?”

“It’s been a while since we’ve had a late night…  We haven’t been to Rita’s in months.”

He chuckled darkly and kissed behind my ear.  “Darling, I watched you slay a bogge the other day.  With _two_ blades.  It was the most sexual thing I’d ever seen.”

“You’re foul.”

I could feel him hardening against me, already pressed so close.  I ached for him, even though it had only been moments since I’d had him the last time.

“Everything you do makes me want you more.”  He lifted my leg higher and shifted his hips.

I gasped at the feel of his body pressed to mine.  “And you think you can make it without me for a month?”

“No,” he growled.  “I’ll barely survive.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Full disclosure, Abarron is my most prized creation. He is precious and we MUST protect him.
> 
> That being said, I have not yet finished this story so please bear with me as I slow down my posting schedule to give me time to complete it! So excited to be back posting for these beauties and I hope you enjoy this fic. Hard times ahead, but for now, please enjoy this beautiful night with our Night Court Family.
> 
> I'm off on vacation next week but will post the next chapter when I return!
> 
> <3


	3. Sunrise

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For all the immortal time we had on this earth, we could not outlive the night. This morning, the sun had risen too early, the servants had called too soon, and no amount of lovemaking would ease the separation between us.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for joining me on this journey!
> 
> I wanted to start posting this story to ease the pain and frustration that I felt after reading ACOFAS and what happened to Nesta and Cassian. Technically it is no longer canon-compliant, but it means too much to me to abandon at this point. I hope you continue to enjoy the story!

####  Sunrise

####  Cassian

 

The pale morning sun held none of the beauty from the evening before.  Its glare was harsh on the canvas tents and I blinked away.

“I wish we’d skipped dinner last night,” I hissed, eyeing the commotion around us distractedly.  Soldiers and fae alike were bustling around the center of the camp, lining up supplies for two parties side by side.  My legion was scheduled to depart any minute and I could taste the tension in the air. My siphons were glowing steadily at my wrists.  

Nesta hooked her arms around my waist and beamed up at me.  “We had plenty of time last night,” she chided. “After all, our family will miss us too.”

I growled dismissively.

I wanted more time – more reassurance. Nesta could defend herself almost anywhere, and yet I still could  _ not _ let this go.  She was leaving without her blade strapped to her spine and I couldn’t help but feeling that she was defenseless.  The soldiers passed around us, jostling us from behind as they rushed by and shouted curses into the mist. Our goodbye was being rushed.

I hated it, but Nesta did not appear to have the same urgency.

My wife was glowing as she watched the activity with an excited flush on her cheeks.  She was dressed in official court finery, yet her black and gold brocade somehow seemed to blend in here too.  Like a suit of armour in the morning sun. A large cart splashed mud in every direction and I shuttled her away from the spray.

For all the immortal time we had on this earth, we could not outlive the night.  This morning, the sun had risen too early, the servants had called too soon, and no amount of lovemaking would ease the separation between us.  I gathered her to me and hid my face in her hair.

“Be safe, General,” she said near my ear.  “We’ll worry for each other, but I fear your task is much more dangerous than mine.”

I lifted my head.  “Don’t short change yourself, sweetheart.”  I tapped her chin with my knuckle. “Be on your toes.”

“I will.”

As I watched her pale eyes reflect the shadow of the hubbub around us, I was flooded with memories of last night.  We’d been consumed with some kind of frenzy, like our first night together, where nothing ever seemed to be close enough.  My body was spent, my joints like jelly under my armor. It was pathetic, and yet it made me smile. I had ruined myself, like a sex-crazed youth, drunk on the first taste of a female.

“What is it?” she asked, smiling curiously.

I pressed my lips to the shell of her ear and spoke softly.  “It’s a good thing we’re not due to fight today. I’ve used up my ‘stores’ as it were.”

She snorted and pressed a kiss to my neck.  “Yes, we probably should have had more sleep.”

“ _ Any _ sleep,” I pointed out, again awash with memories.  Our bed, the rug, the shower, the floor, the wall… And yet, my body still surged at the thought of her.  I felt the prickle of arousal across my skin.

Nesta picked uselessly at the adornment on the front of my breastplate.  “You’re stalling, General. You must leave me. Now, kiss me and give me something to hold on to for my journey.” 

“You drive a hard bargain, Emissary. But I feel up to the task.”  I hooked an arm around her back and bent her over. She cried out in alarm, then closed her eyes and laughed.  I tried to burn the sound into my memory. In a way, it was one of my favorite things about her. That laugh –  _ my _ laugh – when she’d spent so many years without even a smile.  It was a reflection of her happiness with me, and of the happiness we shared.

Her arms tightened around my neck and I finally closed my eyes to kiss her.  Not deeply, not sensually, but simply. With our lips pressed together like some kind of promise; that we would both return safe and victorious.

I righted us both.  “I’ll look forward to hearing about your victory, Emissary,” I said, grinning.  It was true, her victories were some of my greatest pleasures. 

“And I yours, General.”

I pressed a kiss to her flushed cheek, winked, and signaled to my men.

They leapt into the sky, one powerful pair of wings after another, until they blocked the sunlight and shadowed the ground.

“I love you,” I said, over the roar of hundreds of wings beating.

“As I love you.”

Her fingers pressed into my palm until the very last moment.  As I jumped into the bright morning sky, I watched her familiar face until it was too small to see.  I could see it in my mind’s eye, however. Bright, beautiful and  _ mine _ .

I shoved the last two days into a compartment in my head and locked it tight.  I’d seen my wife do nearly everything, and I put my faith into that truth.

She could do anything, and I never thought I’d be so lucky.

 

***

####  Nesta

 

I watched them disappear on the horizon, like a flock of large, black birds chasing the sunlight.  Their weapons and armor sparkled until the Illyrians were nothing but a dark cloud on the horizon.

Cassian’s absence at my side was salient, like a chink in my armor.  I closed my eyes and soldered my wounds, steeling myself against the hardships to come.  There was a mission ahead, for both of us.

Still, I doubted I would laugh like that for quite some time.

When I opened my eyes, all traces of the Illyrian armies were gone.  Even the flapping of the tents seemed to sound hollow, without their charges filling them.   Instead, my much smaller retinue was gathering trunks of gifts and supplies. Azriel paced nearby, eyeing the commotion with his watchful gaze.

I felt odd, standing alone in the center of the activity, until I felt Rhysand at my shoulder. Today he was dressed as a High Lord; dark velvet, silver thread, fine boots in the mud.  I smiled up at him. “Good morning, High Lord.”

He beamed back at me in response.  “Emissary.” An eyebrow arched. “You’re not worried at all, are you?”

“About him?” I gestured north, to the nearly invisible cloud of warriors.  “I am quite worried, actually. But if we can have faith in anyone fighting an army, I suppose it would be Cassian.”

“Very true,” Rhys replied, stoically, then, “And your own mission?”

I merely smiled.

“Cocky?”

I shrugged.  “Mere mortals?”

I was joking, he knew I was joking, but those bright violet eyes shuttered just a fraction.  “My general is quite concerned about the state of your mission, and I trust him with my whole heart.  I want you to take every precaution while you’re in the human realm, Emissary.”

It was a testament to my personal growth that statements like this no longer flooded me with anger.  I watched him for a moment, absorbing his words. This male – my High Lord, my brother by marriage – was a kind and emotional ruler.  He did what he could to empower every being in his realm. I had seen the support he’d given my sister through state matters, personal struggles and motherhood.  I had watched him raise his children and seen the immeasurable love in his eyes as he treasured every moment with them.

To disregard his words would be an injustice.  To brush aside my husband’s warning would be childish.  Over the past hundred years I’d learned to accept their concern as support and as trust.  Rhys saw the change in my face, and possibly the flickers in my mind. The corner of his mouth pulled upwards.

“I value your concern, Rhys.  I won’t let you down.”

He laid a warm hand on my shoulder and squeezed.  “This isn’t a pass or fail mission, Nesta. Do your best, fight for our court, but know that you come back the same, diplomatic emissary that left.  You’ve more than earned my support and respect.”

He was right.  I had known at the beginning that he had tolerated my behavior as a courtesy to my sister.  It was only after a series of successful missions under his guidance that he really opened his eyes to see  _ me _ and the role I could play in the prosperity of his court.

“I’m going to miss our family while I’m away,” I said quietly.  “Cassian always pretends he doesn’t care, but I suppose he’s used to leaving by now.”

“He’s always full of shit,” Rhys chuckled, squinting into the distance as though he could still see Cassian’s men.

This morning, Abarron had met us on the landing of the palace for a final goodbye.  He kissed my cheek and held me tight.  _ “Be safe,”  _ he had said,  _ “Or I’ll come get you myself.” _

Since Abarron’s birth, Rhys has long given up disappearing on his own missions.  It had been a struggle, but he had at last learned to delegate properly. His efforts did not go unnoticed, especially by his sons.  Perhaps he missed the adventure, but with him it was impossible to tell. 

Now, with the morning light shining in his violet eyes, he smiled a secret smile and leaned in close.  “Can I tell you a secret?”

I leaned in with my own smile.  “Oh, I do love lording things over my sister.”

Rhys rolled his eyes.  “Not this one.” His smile broadened ever further.  “Feyre is expecting.”

Instant joy shot through my veins like fireworks.  My hands flew to my smiling lips. “You’re sure?”

“Yes.  A girl this time.”  He squinted at me, then added, “I told my Shadowsinger too. I don’t want him to become a pawn in your sisterly squabbles while he is with you.”

“You wound me,” I teased.

He winked.

“Are you happy?”

Rhys’ eyes were silver rimmed and sparkling.  “Beyond reason.”

We embraced and the feel of his arms around me fueled the joy even more.  It seemed like a lifetime ago when we weren’t friends - when he avoided my eye.  It was a blessing to have a brother, and a friend. 

“Congratulations,” I said as we let our arms fall back to our sides.  “I thought you looked a little prouder today. More than normal, anyway.”

Rhys prodded me with his elbow.  “Thank you.” He paused and eyed me carefully.

“What?”

“Don’t you think now would be a good time for you and Cassian to start a family?”

I gestured again to the north, where my husband was already miles and miles away.  “Clearly.”

He laughed.  “You know what I mean.”

“I do,” I nodded, “But try not to cloud my head with such important decisions before my mission, won’t you High Lord?”

He bowed his head. “Very well.  I came over here to tell you that your guard has arrived.  Everything is ready.”

I clasped my hands tightly at my front, a gesture left over from my mortal years of life, running a household.  Around us, the commotion had stopped, and instead all parties stood still and quiet, waiting for my command. “Then, we shall go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *waves to Cassian* Bye babe!
> 
> Stay tuned next week for dramaz!
> 
> <3


	4. The Dragon

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Something was quivering inside my chest, like a long slumbering dragon deep inside. For a moment I dissolved into panic that the Cauldron had somehow awakened."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hold on to your butts.

####  The Dragon

####  Cassian

 

_ The first time I was prohibited from taking Nesta with me on a mission, I was furious. _

_ She was not. _

_ I had spent much of the day arguing with Rhysand about leaving her behind, and then spent the rest of the night arguing with Nesta about how she wasn’t some piece of clothing that belonged in my pack. _

_ Needless to say, as we separated, things were tense. _

_ Nesta and Rhys were headed on a diplomatic mission to the Winter Court, and I was to oversee the Blood Rites of the female warriors in the Illyrian territory.  They were arguably both important, and yet I was unable to see past her dismissal of the Illyrian tradition. _

_ These female warriors were Nesta’s allies and her sisters in combat.  They were the females we’d been training for the last twenty years. The first female legion ready for full combat.  They were exquisite, everything we had ever dreamed to share with our realm. Nesta had been beside herself with excitement and pride, and yet… _

_ And yet… _

_ Duty had called. _

_ I had little to do with the Winter Court, especially after our fairly dramatic ice rescue of Feyre years prior.  I had argued that any diplomatic tensions with the neutral court could wait until the Blood Rite had been completed. _

_ Not so, according to Rhysand. _

_ We bid each other a frosty, resentful goodbye from the foyer in the townhouse.  Rhys, Feyre and Nesta disappeared into black mist, and I shot into the sky like a hawk after prey.  I had not begged for a kiss or an embrace. Nesta wasn’t the sentimental kind anyway. Because of our anger and bickering, we hadn’t coupled in days.  I was, for all intents and purposes, weaned off of my own wife. _

_ As I soared high over the planes of the mountains and forests of the Night Court, I felt the creeping realization of what a fool I’d been.  I was the same moronic Illyrian as I had been when I left her at Rita’s all those years ago. Running away from my own feelings. _

_ My day was filled with flying and ordering my men around, while hers was taken up with diplomatic meetings and events.  My heart was worn and heavy by the time I arrived back to the tent.  _

_ An apology.  She deserved an apology. _

_ My hand was already reaching for the pen at my desk as I pushed the tent flap aside.  A stack of parchment lay waiting. _

‘I’m sorry-’ _ was all I got down before I heard a rustling behind me. _

_ Steal hissed against steal as my blade found my hand and it’s target. My wife lay casually on my pallet of furs, still and proud as a feline. _

_ My mouth dropped open. _

_ “Did you not even  _ think _ to use your nose before entering your own tent?” she teased, watching me. _

_ I threw the pen on my desk.  “And you could not send word?” _

_ “I thought you’d enjoy a surprise.” _

_ My feet were locked to the rugs at my feet.  “How long?” _

_ Nesta peered out the half open flap of the tent.  “A few hours. A favor from Feyre. It was all I could get.” _

_ I collapsed onto the pallet beside her and took her into my arms.  We kissed for hours and hours, until a hush in the camp caught my attention.  My High Lady. I took Nesta’s face in my hands. “I’m sorry.” _

_ “Me too.” _

_ “I love you.” _

_ “As I love you.” _

_ I helped her to her feet, watching in shameless awe at the graceful arcs of her arms and legs - that delicate fae strength that hummed below her skin. _

_ “Thank you,” I sighed, as she took my hands.  “Thank you for doing this.” _

_ Nesta stepped close and lifted herself on her toes.  “Anything for you, General.” _

_ Feyre cleared her throat from outside as Nesta and I shared a smile. _

_ “Don’t fuck up,” she said, as she released me and slipped past.  _

_ “Don’t piss anyone off,” I returned. _

_ Her laugh disappeared into the night as they whisked away back to the Winter Court.  I laughed to myself and collapsed back on my furs. _

 

_ *** _

####  Nesta

 

Rhys landed our party at the agreed location, outside the boundaries of the capital city.  He disappeared in an instant, barely even here for a heartbeat. The last shred of my home left with him.

This mortal kingdom, Radeniel, had gone through a recent growth period, expanding far beyond the walls of the city to farmlands and villages across the gentle rolling hills. The valley in which we landed was empty of both; a barren grassland, aside from a smattering of cattle in the near distance. 

I reached down and smoothed the delicate folds of my dress.  Our court tended to do most business dressed in one form of Illyrian leathers or another.  For this, the mortal kingdom, I decided to be as traditional as possible. Not quite in line with the human fashion of the time, yet still recognizable as sensible, royal dress.

Azriel’s shadow covered me as he appeared by my side to gaze in the direction of the capital.  His sapphire siphons gleamed in the sunlight. “They said they would meet us here?”

I nodded.  “That was what we agreed upon.  No time, however. I assume they have sentries scattered along the hillside.”

“Most likely.”

I watched him carefully, noting the tightness in the corners of his eyes.  So often shadowed, the daylight made his hazel irises shine like gemstones.  “Do you feel it too?” I asked.

“The wrong-ness?  Yes,” he nodded. “He may not be a shadowsinger, but Cassian is hardly ever wrong in these situations.”  He waited a moment before he added, “I won’t be far from you during this trip. I hope you understand.”

“Of course I understand,” I said gently, slinging my arm through his.  “My sister and I have lived far too long to ignore Cassian and your advice, wouldn’t you say?’

His chuckle was all the answer I received.

We waited less than an hour for the Prince’s men to arrive, which gave us plenty of time to adjust our appearances, strategize and plan for worst case scenarios.  While there was no need for a full legion of warriors on this trip, Rhys and Cassian insisted on bringing ten soldiers to protect our party. It was not unusual for diplomatic missions to do so.  More than once, Cassian and I had actually  _ needed _ an army.  I hoped it would not come to that, but their presence in our ranks gave me comfort.  After all, a group of ten Illyrians could do far more damage than any human soldier would expect...

Along with Azriel at my side, I had my personal Illyrian guard.  My commander, Kime'a and her four female warriors, Nirya, Ditie, Ganel and Varda, had been my close friends and confidants for the greater part of a century.  More recently, and for the last fifty years, Mor and Kime’a had been in a steady relationship. All of them were as rugged and beautiful as every Illyrian seemed to be, but their wings and fearsome armor left most mortals quaking in their boots.

This was not our first trip to the Human Realm together, and my guard had kept me alive through more than one close scrape with human armies or worse.  Despite all of that, I could feel their tension at my back as we watched the riders appear over the crest of the nearest hill. As the riders drew closer, I saw that there was one riderless horse.  A kindness for me, I hoped.

The riders’ armor was bright and gleaming in the high sunlight of the afternoon.  Gold serpents were coiled over their chests, the insignia of Radeniel and its crowned prince, Brynmor.  Over their heads, pale green banners billowed in the breeze. This human fanfare seemed so foreign to me now.  It was hard to remember that long ago, bannermen like this marched through our villages in false demonstrations of dominance.  The sourness still burned in my veins and I let is simmer there, as inspiration to complete this treaty and return  _ home _ .

As they neared, I stood as tall as I dared.  With Kime’a and Azriel at my side, and Cassian in my heart, I could conquer all.

The exchanges between parties were pleasant, as mounted men met broad-shouldered Illyrians.  The captain of the Prince’s guard was a quiet man with a loud voice that remained soft around the edges.  He held the reigns of a regal bay mare, who pranced impatiently beside his roan gelding. A horsewoman I was not, and the heat of the Illyrian’s blood made the horses nervous.

Still, I appreciated the offering and did my best to seat myself without too much embarrassment.  After loading the wagons with our supplies, the rest of my party lifted themselves into the sky. My guard stayed behind, circling slowly over the rest of us, as our horses cantered towards the city.

The castle spires rose high over the surrounding woodlands, reminding me again of the dull, bland wonders of the human realm.  I remembered wishing to see this exact scene as I lived my young life in humble poverty. The granite-walled castle held no wonder for me now, for it was nothing compared to the the clay tile rooftops of my city, the sparkling towers of the Dawn Court, or even the grotesquely intricate Court of Nightmares.

Thoughts of home intensified the dull ache in my gut.  I thought of Cassian and his smiling face and what he’d say about this clan of humans and their false sense of pride.  I wished he was here beside me, walking next to my horse with one hand on the bridle. 

We’d walked into many cities that way - the regal emissary and her wild husband.

Now, as we crossed through the towering iron gates of Radeniel, I felt truly alone.  The chains rattled and groaned as the iron barrier slammed closed behind us. 

We dismounted in a courtyard, littered with pruned fruit trees and songbirds.  Running water echoed off the stone, hinting towards a vibrant garden somewhere nearby.  Azriel and Kime’a were waiting for me near the castle door. We followed our guides through the grand entry and into the throne room.  The ceilings lifted high above our heads, curved into buttresses and great arches. Dappled light was filtered through the paned glass windows at the very top, leaving the entire room in a dusty, golden glow.

I had felt the wrongness before we’d entered the room.  My knees quaked under my skirts, but I did not falter. 

_ I was nervous, was all.  There was nothing to fear. _

However, as I stepped into the room, I stumbled over my feet and clutched at my heart.  Something was quivering inside my chest, like a long slumbering dragon deep inside. For a moment I dissolved into panic that the Cauldron had somehow awakened.  Memories of searing brimstone against my veins raced through my brain. Azriel reached for me, but I steadied myself and kept on, down the long pathway of clay tile to the grand dias at the head of the room.  The edges of my vision dissolved into stars.

With each step, the feeling intensified until it was burning in my throat.  My fingers shook and I clasped them at my stomach. What magic was this? Twenty steps had convinced me it wasn’t the Cauldron, but it was  _ something _ .  Something  _ old.   _ Raw, deep magic was flowing through me.  I could sense Azriel watching me.

At last, we reached the throne, and without so much as a precursory look at the prince, I dropped to one knee and lowered my head.  The brief reprieve from standing was a blessing. My hands pressed to the cool tiles, drawing as much of the icy stone into my skin as possible.

“His honorable Prince Brynmor,” I said as gently as I could manage.  “I am Nesta, Emissary of the Night Court to the human realm, once human, and now a faithful servant to the fae.  Myself and my party wish you peace and prosperity and we are honored by your invitation.”

It was Cassian who had argued Rhys’ request for a low curtsy, insisting that it was not our duty to  _ bow _ to a petulant prince of the Human Realm.  Rhys had persisted, however, claiming that for a young man such as this, nothing would please him more than an opponent on their knees, offering sovereignty. 

Behind me, my companions were also kneeling, heads bent low and wings spread out gracefully.  I could hear the straining of their leather and the tinkling of iron buckles on the tiles. We waited, and our knees ached as one, until a pleasant, cool voice spoke from above.  

“Please rise, Lady Nesta.”

I lifted eyes to gaze upon the prince of Radeniel.  He was tall and lean, dressed in fine silk and brocade of a modest cut.  His velvet cape draped from his shoulders to the soles of his shiny leather boots.  His smile was mostly hidden beneath a neatly clipped sable beard. It wasn’t until our eyes met that I finally understood what had woken the deep magic inside of me.

Cool blue eyes like the sky seeped straight into my heart - into my  _ soul  _ \- and I felt the earth open under me to swallow me whole.

_ My mate _ .

It clanged like bell towers in my head, over and over. 

_ My mate. My mate. My mate. _

This man, this  _ human _ , this prince.  He was my mate.

Every useless fear I’d ever had seeped out of my fingertips and onto the floor, for there had never been anything more terrifying than this.

My one true fear, and my ultimate breaking point - my mate.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So.
> 
> Yeah.
> 
> That happened. And I WANTED it to happen. Let's really challenge our characters, shall we? Fun times ahead.
> 
> Small note moving forward, while Cassian is away at battle, his sections will be lovely flashbacks of their life together. I love (LOVE) playing with passing time in this world, and since it's been nearly 100 years, I thought we'd enjoy some of their memories. Also, I'm not super interested in writing full on warfare for Cassian, lol.
> 
> I hope I haven't lost you here. Hang on tight and let's enjoy the ride! <3


	5. The Will of the Cauldron

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _I had to keep my focus. This mission was more than me, it was bigger than Cassian and our marriage. The fate of our court and all of Prythian rested on my success in Radeniel._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I appreciate all of you hanging with me while we go on this wild ride! What doesn't kill you makes your marriage stronger, right?

####  The Will of the Cauldron

####  Cassian

_ “You can’t be serious.” _

_ The corner of my mouth pulled up into a smirk.  “Deadly serious.” _

_ “That’s not funny.” _

_ “I know. That’s why I’m being serious.” _

_ Nesta glared at me from across the room, one foot inside our closet and the other outside.  “You’re taking me to battle?” _

_ “I am.” _

_ “To battle  _ with _ you.  Beside you?” _

_ I hummed in approval. _

_ She splayed her hands before her.  “Cassian,  _ why _?” _

_ I had been seated on the low frame of my bed, half undressed after a long day.  I stood now to close the space between us. She was agitated and pissed off, practically vibrating with that sexy fire under her skin.   _

_ “Because there’s no one better I want by my side.  I’ve seen all you can do, and I think paired up, we’ll be lethal.”  I slipped an arm around her waist and tugged her to me. _

_ She sighed. “Cassian.  You’re already lethal.” _

_ I laughed.  “True.” _

_ Nesta studied me quietly, eyes tight.  “Doesn’t it seem like more of a risk? If we’re both there?” _

_ “We’re not in line for the throne, and we don’t have children.  Does it matter?” The words sounded awful as they left my mouth and I grimaced. _

_ “Does it  _ matter _?” _

_ “That’s not what I meant.” _

_ She rolled her eyes and turned away again.  “Feyre doesn’t go to battle. She never has.  Not really.” _

_ “Feyre is  _ not _ you,” I growled.  “Her priorities are different than yours are. Besides, you’re far more skilled at combat.” _

_ Nesta watched me with her arms crossed. _

_ “That was a compliment.” _

_ Her lips tightened. _

_ I tugged at my hair, exasperation and frustration getting the better of me.  “You know Rhys is a protective bastard. He’d hardly let her out of his sight if he could manage, let alone fight in skirmish.” _

_ “Cassian,” she scolded quietly and placed a hand on my arm.  “You know that’s not true.” _

_ Now it was my turn to be silent. _

_ She pursed her lips as she chewed it over.  “You’re certain I could handle it? That I wouldn’t be in the way?” _

_ “I’m positive.”  I twined our fingers together.  “We’d make a plan. You’d either be with me or Kime’a’s legion.  You wouldn’t be alone.” _

_ Nesta pulled a lip between her teeth.  “It does sound exciting.” _

_ “It’s exciting and horrible all at once.  You’ll love it. You were Made for this. I know it.” _

_ Now she glared at me.  “I thought I was Made for my skilled acts of negotiation…” _

_ In truth, I knew she was Made for me - to be the female I only ever dreamed of. She seemed to sense the path of my thoughts as she stood on her toes to kiss me.  It was only a moment before the kiss transformed into something more, until she was backed against the wall with her hand down the front of my pants and her dress off one shoulder. _

_ “I’ll need armor,” she hissed, even as I ripped the gown from her body. _

_ “You have it,” I grunted, lifting her on to the nearest marble topped dresser.  “I’ll show you. After…” _

_ As per usual, it was hours later before we ended up in the armory where I’d had her newly finished gift polished and displayed like a feast.  To anyone else she’d look out of place in this room; pale skin wrapped loosely with a silken robe, with her hair spilling around her shoulders.  Hell, did she even have the sash tied? _

_ “You did this?” she asked, in awe.  She reached out a hand to touch the chest piece. _

_ Her armor was made of thousands of tiny scales.  Not pointed dragon scales like mine, but small, rounded serpent scales. She would become a viper, truly.  I’d had it crafted over the course of the last few years. I checked on it whenever I could, watched my armorer painstakingly cut one scale after another.  Now that it was ready, I hardly knew what to do with myself. It was beautiful, and every bit as lethal as I knew she could be. _

_ Nesta looked over her shoulder and caught my eye, mischievous smile on her face.  “As if I could deny joining the lines after this!” _

_ I smirked.  “That’s why I asked you first.” _

_ She turned and beckoned me closer, into her arms.  I felt every inch of her against my body and found that layers of steel armor was suddenly the last thing on my mind.  “I’ll join you,” she said, soft enough to float on the air between us. “It would be an honor.” _

 

####  ***

####  Nesta

It had taken all of my hard-earned strength not to vomit all over the Prince’s shoes.  My whole body was consumed with a tumult of emotions. Each one gripped me within a heartbeat, then turned to ash before I could fully identify what I was feeling.

Shame.

Fear.

Betrayal.

Guilt.

And above it all, an unspoken desire for this man I knew nothing about.

I masked my face with the once-familiar air of icy disinterest and stood upright before anyone would notice a change.  I spoke to the Prince, listened and laughed politely as he joked about our lack of horses. He placed my palm atop his hand and led us to a long table, laden with food and refreshment.  The touch of his skin made me want to recoil and hold tighter all at once. How could his touch sooth the pain inside and make it worse at the same time?

Everything about the gesture was unfamiliar.  Cassian took my hand with command and confidence, pressing our calloused palms together and taking me with him wherever we were going.  But Brynmor’s hands were untouched by swords or combat. His skin was smooth and cool to the touch. I discreetly wiped my hand on the side of my dress as we parted and he took his seat to my left.

We sat and exchanged pleasantries as we ate flakey meat pies and fresh fruit.  The wine was cool on my lips, but, like the rest of the human food on the table, it tasted like chalk on my tongue.  I swallowed hard and fought through the emotional strain, the urges and the sorrow.

I had to keep my focus.  This mission was more than me, it was bigger than Cassian and our marriage.  The fate of our court and all of Prythian rested on my success in Radeniel.

When at last the afternoon had begun to fade into evening, my party was excused and urged to retire to our rooms before a welcome feast later in the evening.  My guard escorted me to my guest quarters. It was an impressive suite of four rooms, including one for Kime’a, to keep her near. She was watching me warily as we walked, alerted by Azriel, no doubt.

I too felt the stiff way I was walking down the passageways, as though some invisible force, my own will perhaps, was holding me upright.  Without it, I would surely collapse onto the floor.

My rooms were littered with fresh flowers and refreshments. The paned windows were left open, to let in a calm breeze from outside.  I inhaled deeply, concentrating on the sweet grassy smell of the air outside, rather than the cutting pain inside my chest.

It felt like an age before the servants, my guard, and Kime’a finally left me to my own devices.  Only Nirya remained, quietly eyeing me from across the vast chamber. I was comforted by her protection and silent worry, even if I could not open my mouth to thank her.  I left her there, by the door and ran to the bathing room where I was promptly, and violently ill.

When I had calmed enough to sit upright and lean back against the stone walls, I finally let myself cry.  I ached for Cassian, and the familiar assurances. I wanted him beside me, holding me within his strong arms as it was so natural for him to do.  I needed the security only he could bring in moments like this.

Everything that Cassian and I had between us seemed to be dulled inside my head in comparison to this newly discovered, magic bond that was trying to forge itself between Prince Brynmore and myself.  I wanted to close off my heart and prevent the bond from ever taking hold.

But my heart was no longer hidden from view.  I had grown and changed over the last century.  Not only had Cassian so gently broken down the walls surrounding my heart, but I had earned a family and a place in my fae life.  

To distract myself, I ran memories through my head.  The first time I had seen Cassian, and the fierce way his eyes had narrowed in on mine.  When I lead him up to my rooms and then promptly asked him to leave through the window. The vivid memories of our first night together, and every time after.  His shining eyes as he took me as his wife.

My  _ life _ .  It was my life and I would not give it up for a stranger.

I gave myself a period of asylum in the washroom, taking shelter in the deserted stone room.  Eventually I stood, washed my face and my mouth, changed into a less formal dress and stared blankly out one of the windows in my room.  Azriel was the first to knock on my chamber door. I had no way of knowing it was him, other than the thundering force of any male Illyrian, of which I knew a great deal about.

Nirya opened the door at my command, and Azriel strode in with all of the power and authority he possessed.  He glanced at the female soldier and tilted his head to the side. “Leave us.”

She looked to me once, nodded and left the room.

“You must tell him,” he said, gravely the moment Nirya closed the door.

I watched him, unmoving from where I had paused under one of the tall, arched doorways.  Beams of sunlight cut through the room like a series of obstacles between us. I didn’t ask how he knew. “I must do nothing.”

He stepped further into the room, into one of the rays of light.  It seemed to disappear into his skin, rather than refract. He was a product of shadows, not light.  “It will break him if you don’t tell him,” Azriel pleaded. “You know that.”

I sank down onto a settee by the fireplace in the sitting room.  It was too warm to be lit, and instead it offered a cool wall of stone, smelling faintly of ash and flame.  “I won’t tell him. It won’t take, it doesn’t matter.”

Azriel followed me into the room and stood before me.  Shadows flickered over his hands and face. “Of course it matters.  And it  _ will _ take.”

“It  _ won’t _ !” My voice escaped my lips in a rush, flicking off my viper tongue before I could stop them.  Tears spilled down my cheeks. “I won’t let it. There’s nothing he can do to make me accept the bond.”  All the while, the awakened dragon coiled itself tighter and tighter in my chest. It was ready to spring at any moment, to consume me in flame and ruin.  I swallowed thickly and forced it from my mind.

Slowly, gently, Azriel sunk to his knees at my feet.  He reached for my hands and took them in his. The angry white scars on his skin were stark in the shadow of the room. “My lady,” he said softly.  “If only you knew how many females have been stolen away by their rightful mates.”

I shook my head.

“You can fight it, you can try.  Mother knows that you and my brother are well matched, and I do not wish for your unhappiness any more than I wish for his.”  His hands squeezed. “ _ But _ , there is a real danger of slipping, my lady.  A real danger that you can change the fate of your lifetime if you do not yield.  You _ must _ return home.  It’s the only way.  Feyre and Rhys can come in your stead.”

I thought of my sister and the new life inside her, of Rhys and his safety back in the realm, of my beloved nephews.  “No,” I hissed. The selfish pride I tried to keep hidden seemed to flare up inside my chest. “I can do this. I’m stronger than this.”

I wanted this victory.

“Stronger than a bond blessed by the Cauldron?  No one is asking you to be stronger than that.”

I released him and got to my feet to walk over to the nearest window.  I leaned against the heavy panes and cooled my forehead. “I will not yield.  And you will not tell.”

“But-”

“Any word of this makes its way to Cassian or Rhys, and I send you away.  Cauldron boil me, Azriel. I will have your word.”

My words were meaningless.  I could not sooner send him away than I could defeat him in combat.  He did not mock me, however, he merely shook his head. “I can’t promise that.  My duty lies to our High Lord and High Lady, and after that, to my general.”

“Then trust me.”

“Nesta…”

I carried on as though I had not heard the troubled way he whispered my name.  “The Prince himself does not seem to know of it. My mask of indifference is iron-clad.  You know this as well as anyone.”

He did not smile.  “This is unwise.”

“I will not  _ yield _ ,” I said, firmly.  “Cassian is my rightful mate, he is my husband.  What we have is stronger than this.”

Shadows clouded Azriel’s eyes.  He seemed to disappear into the stone walls around us.  “You are young, my lady, and this could ruin you both.”

We watched each other in the quiet of the room.  Dust motes floated through the rays of light, visible over the dark background of Azriel’s magnificent wings.

With a shaky voice, I said, “Do I have your word, Azriel?”

His face was sad as he watched me.  “No. But I will trust you for now, and that will have to do.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hard times are always easier when you have a friend. Let's build up the Nesta + Azriel friendship, shall we? I think Azriel needs more friends <3
> 
> Again, thank you all for hopping on the pain train with me and riding along. As I told my friend in the comments, I think Cassian and Nesta's relationship doesn't need a mating bond to validate it. I feel so strongly about that, which is why I made that choice in _[An Unwinding. And facing adversity like this, well...it will only make them stronger!! Please leave a comment! I love hearing from you! Until next week!](https://archiveofourown.org/works/11027316)_


	6. Tethered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the first day, it was manageable...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so chuffed you all are here for this record-scratching plot twist. Onward, here we go!

#### Tethered

#### Cassian

_We were like two sides of the same blade._

_Where I struck, she blocked.  As I knocked the men to the ground, she finished them with a swift thrust of her sword._

_They called her my Viper.  The Lord of Bloodshed and his Viper._

Mine _._

_I’d called her the same the first day we had met.  A viper in the foyer. My one true match._

_I had five hundred years of reputation behind me.  I was already feared, yet as we battled together over the years, a new reputation built.  Not just that my wife was a fearless soldier, capable leveling an army - but that we were a pair._

_Some days I was so proud, I wanted to let her take the lead and carve through forces like a sharp knife through cake._

_She was exquisite._

_It was as though a new part of her was growing and expanding.  She had swallowed her bitter pride and vitriol as she’d grown into her fae body.  These past versions of herself lay behind us, like fallen leaves on the forest floor.  Nesta had become more, had become greater than her mortal body had allowed her._

_But this…_

_The angry parts of her could be expressed in battle.  With the tip of her sword she could seek the justice she was robbed of.  She could excel in an arena where she had no peers. Feyre would never catch her here.  At this, Nesta and I could be greater than any other pair in history._

_Her bonds with the female legions strengthened into an unbreakable partnership.  When she wasn’t by my side, she was their secret weapon. She was smaller and faster than the Illyrian women.  Without wings, she could slip through the cracks._

_The first time she and Abarron bonded in battle was the day she saved him._

_Pairing them was stupid.  Rhys nearly ripped me a new one for my foolishness, but Nesta tended to make me a cocky bastard._

_Ab was still young then, green as any newly minted Illyrian soldier.  He was cocksure and impulsive. Never one for orders, like his mother, he was nearly impossible to manage in the first place.  I usually left him to Rhysand’s control, but this time his father was far, far away._

_I paired him with Nesta because I thought she would protect him.  He was her cherished nephew and she his favorite aunt. What more could they possibly want than the safety of the other?_

_I should have known they’d be trying to best one another the moment I walked away._

_It was the kind of sick game I’d play with my brothers. The sick kind of game that was only amusing after we’d spent five-hundred years on the field together._

_An enemy sword had sliced him cleanly from his shoulder to the center of his chest.  His scar remained to this day. I found them on the battlefield, surrounded by Nesta’s guard.  Dead bodies littered the battlefield around them. She was staunching the wound when I shoved my way through the lines to see her._

_“Cassian,” she gasped when she saw my face._

_“What have you done?” I roared the moment I realized my nephew was stained by his own blood and unconscious in my wife’s lap._

_She hardly left his bedside while he healed, even though he was far from death’s grasp._

_If they kept up their stupid games after that battle, I never found out.  They didn’t tell me, and I didn’t want to know. I_ did _know that they’d never made another blunder like that, and they’d never lost another battle._

 _As much as she enjoyed marking her way through a battlefield with our nephew, we worked best when we were together.  Or, at least,_ I _worked best when we were together..._

 

***

#### Nesta

 

On the first day, it was manageable.

I convinced myself that if Cassian, _a_ _male_ , could deal with the pain of finding his mate, then I could as well.  I felt the tug, that invisible string tying my heart to the strange Prince before me, but I pushed it aside. I focused on the pages of parchment under my fingers and the quill in my hand.

I spent the first day in discussions.  Myself, Prince Brynmor and his council scattered ourselves around a long, ancient table and outlined the basis for our treaty.  I found myself observing the young Prince, and considering the reasons the universe had paired us together. Brynmor was quiet and cunning.  He watched me with narrowed blue eyes, as though he was scrutinizing every word I said.

I had been a part of Rhys’ court for so long, perhaps _too_ long, that I had forgotten the ways of traditional, human royalty.  The Prince was always wearing a crown on his head, whether it be full regalia or a modest circlet.  He had fur collars, brocade tunics and long, regal capes lined with gold rope. The boots on his feet were fine, untouched leather without a speck of dust or dirt in sight.

Towards the end of the first day, he rested his bearded chin on his fist and said, “Lady Nesta, what do you do for fun?”

The rest of the council paused at the digression, and fiddled awkwardly with their papers and ink bottles.

“My lord?”

“You are a well-spoken young woman.  I’d like to know what else you enjoy.”  He waved his hand vaguely towards the window, towards _outside_ .  “I know little of _faery_ customs.  Do you hunt, ride, fly?  Tell me.”

I arranged the folds of my _faery_ dress across my lap before answering.  “Well, I suppose I train in combat with my husband and our armed forces.”

His eyebrows raised high, nearly to the brim of his crown.  He had not expected my answer. “Train in combat. Really?”

Something prodded me in the back of my mind, perhaps years of Cassian and Azriel’s advice.  I felt as though I should not expand my answer; it seemed too personal, perhaps too dangerous. It had been foolish for me to mention it at all, but lack of pride was not one of my _finer_ qualities.

“Yes, my lord.”

“No embroidery, writing, reading?”

I forced back a sneer with icy stillness.  “I do read, when I have the time. Our libraries are quite extensive.”

“Are they?”

“Yes.  The records of fae life go back more than a six thousand years.  I’d argue that’s more than most human records.”

His resulting smile was full, and lovely, if I was being honest.  I had passed some ridiculous challenge in his eyes, and like it or not, we had connected.

He excused himself soon after, leaving me alone at the table as the council trailed behind.  I watched him depart, curious and stunned by the intrigue of his reactions, and the naive way he asked questions.  Inside, the dragon whispered for me to follow him, _find him_.  Instead, I met Kime’a at the barracks and we sparred with staffs until sundown.

“Mor asks of you,” she said lightly, between matches.  We took turns pouring cool water into glasses from a ceramic pitcher.

I laughed to myself.  “Is she bored?”

Kime’a smiled, indulgently.  “Lonely, I think.” Her smile faded slowly, until her dark eyes watched me silently in the fading light.  “The trouble is, I don’t know how to answer her.”

My insides twisted unpleasantly and I gripped my staff tightly between my fingers.  “Working hard,” I said, evenly.

“My lady?”

“Tell Mor I am working hard.  It’s the truth, for more than one reason.”  I stared blankly at the pitcher.

Kime’a’s staff touched mine gently in a silent gesture of support and understanding.  “Of course.”

Later, finally alone in my rooms, I thought about Cassian.

For so long I’d kept every thought and emotion inside my head.  Now, for more years than I even thought possible, I had shared them all with one person.  Cassian was an extension of my own mind.

I wondered what he would think of the confident prince.  

Probably not much.  

A half-filled piece of parchment flitted into my lap.  His embarrassing penmanship was striped with my delicate letters.  We’d been writing for the last hour about everything. Well, mostly everything.

 _What are you thinking about right now?_ He had written, and I could practically hear his voice.  The cocksure swagger as he tried to goad me into getting his way.

 _Food_ I wrote instead, biting down on my lip.

The parchment whisked away, then returned.   _Lie._

_You know I’m thinking of you, Cassian.  I always am._

_I know._

The exchange was slow enough to feel disjointed and distant.  The parchment disappeared from my lap without a response before returning.

_I’m being called into a debriefing.  I love you._

The parchment trembled between my fingers as I read and absorbed his words.  I tried to hear them, and remember the wild look in his eyes when he’d spoken them last.  The ground was practically shaking around us as the soldiers lifted into the sky, yet his eyes remained unmoving.  

Had that only been a day ago? I felt as though I had aged another hundred years in mere hours.

 _I love you_ , I wrote, and the parchment disappeared with the last essence of my husband for that night.  Everything beyond this moment felt like an eternity. How many days until I could leave this place?

I lay in bed with my thoughts still on Cassian: the wavy strands of his hair falling over his shoulder, the roguish grin on his face, the hard press of his nose into my cheek. Outside, winds howled across the grasslands and rattled the windows over my head.  I let my thoughts keep me warm.

Cassian and his bravery, Cassian and his kindness, Cassian and his love.

For that first night, I forgot all about the sickening feeling in my chest.

It would not be so easy again.

With each day, the negotiations became more difficult, the pain became more unbearable, and even sparring with my companions could not ease my worry.

I spent most of my nights in the armory with Kime’a, sparring, learning, and wrecking myself with wild abandon.  In the mornings my body would ache under my skin, so much so that I could hardly get out of bed. I let it hum through me, a pitiful mask for what lay beneath.  The dragon continued to coil itself in my chest, winding tighter and tighter around my heart; squeezing it for all it was worth.

In the back of my mind, a voice seemed to chant: _Brynmor Brynmor Brynmor mate mate mate._

After the first week, I stopped eating full meals.  Everyone saw, but no one spoke of it. I could see the way Azriel looked at me across the banquet table.  His sad eyes watched me between shadows, as though he could feel my pain.

He would come sit with me in my quarters after supper on the days I didn’t run to the combat ring.  In his quiet way, he would listen as I talked about everything and nothing. We’d talk about Cassian and their past adventures, and I would absorb every infrequent syllable that fell from his lips.

_Cassian Cassian Cassian my husband._

Half of me hoped that the pain under my ribs was from missing him, from guilt and sadness.  The other half knew that it was the bond, urging me towards Brynmor with the slow splintering of my ribcage.

“Please let me tell him,” Azriel begged me one night, after we’d each downed two glasses of whatever was in the carafes by the fireplace.

I was fuzzy around the edges, warm and comfortable for once.  My voice sounded far away when I answered. “The treaty is going well, and I hardly see the prince.  There’s no reason to alarm anyone, least of all Cassian.”

“Nesta,” he said, gravely.  “You’re not eating.”

I brushed his comment away with a wave of my hand.  “I’ve gone hungry before.”

“You’re not hungry.  You’re sick.”

The pain of unshed tears tugged at the back of my throat.

He reached for my hand.  “He is the only one who can help you.”

I shook my head slowly.  “That’s not true. You’re helping me, and Kime’a-”

Azriel cursed under his breath and released my hand. “You know that’s not the same.”

I turned away to stare at the black night outside the windows.  “I don’t need him to be strong,” I said, clenching my jaw tight.

Gently. “No one thinks that.”

“Then _why_ won’t you let this go?”

I could see Azriel in the reflection of the window. He always held his wings high.  He was strict and regimented; always ready to jump in the line of fire. Lit by the dim, flickering light of the lamps in my room, I watched his wings slump slowly towards the floor. His shoulders sagged as he dropped his chin to his chest.

“I won’t see you hurt him, as hard as you’re trying,” he said. “And I won’t let you ruin yourself in the process..”

The hot trails of tears down my cheeks burned as anger washed over me. I turned and gazed at him as coldly as I could. “ _Let_ me?”

Azriel pursed his lips and closed his eyes slowly at his mistake.

“You won’t _let_ me ruin myself.  Do you find me unqualified?”

“No,” he sighed.  “You know that isn’t what I meant.”

My eyes narrowed and I felt the poison on my tongue an instant before I spat it out. “Do you think we don’t know where you go when the moon turns full, Azriel? Do you think I can’t _smell_ my sister all over you?”

“Don’t,” he said, voice as steady as the blades he so often held in his hands. The sound of it cut through the air between us.  My body reacted to the danger but I stood my ground.

“You lecture me about risks and fighting the will of the Cauldron, yet you tempt the same demons month after month, year after year–”

“I said _don’t_!” He stood in a flash, wings filling the room, and our forgotten drinks littered the floor with shards of glass.  I knew he wouldn’t tell me again.

We watched each other warily.

My family had all known, for twenty years or more, that Azriel and Elain has struck up some sort of ill-fated love affair spanning realms and odds. Each month, in the pale light of the full moon, Azriel disappeared for a span of days or weeks. He would go to my sister, where she had sheltered herself in the Day Court. While they were together, they became invisible to all of us. There were no letters from my sister, no whispers from Azriel, and even Rhys could not reach their minds.

They built themselves a wall so strong, they could at last escape the cruelness of their worlds.

Cassian hated it, and Rhys was not pleased either. The star-crossed routine was all too familiar to Azriel, and they wanted more for him, as we all did. Yet, when he returned the shadows stayed away from his eyes for longer, and the letters from my sister were bright, and clear of her worrisome thoughts.

I hadn’t lied to Azriel.  He did reek of my sister. Of wind and sun and water, of unhurried lovemaking and heartbreaking goodbyes.

My cowardly sister had hidden herself from Lucien and the rest of us.  Lucien remained the steward to the Spring Court, and did not visit the Night Court or anyone else.  He did not bother Elain, and therefore Azriel, but he still existed, tethered to Elain as Brynmor was to me.

The tears that fell from my eyes were from shame now.  I watched my friend struggle with the wave of painful memories I had thrown at him without thought.

Azriel’s eyes were red rimmed as he watched me. “You think I don’t ache for her?”

I was too ashamed to speak so I shook my head.

He took a step toward me, drawing his wings back to himself. “I _love_ her, Nesta. I’d _die_ for her.”  He gestured with his hand, towards the vague direction of the Spring Court. “Yet she is still bound to him.  No amount of time will end it. I don’t doubt that she may become too weak to fight it. Someday.”

I stood and reached for him, closing my fingers around his broad wrist.  His blue syphon glimmered between my fingers. “I was wrong to say that. Forgive me.”

He didn’t answer me, or speak. Instead to turned his head away, but he left his arm where it was - my grip on him intact.

“I know you love her.”

“Then you know my brother’s pain.”

I bit down hard on my lip.

“You and I are friends - family, even - but my brother is everything to me. I will not watch him be destroyed this way.”  His eyes were wary when they found me again. The shadows wavered mysteriously behind his hazel irises. Somehow Azriel’s shadows seemed to comfort him in a way none of us could.  

The shapes grew darker and moved faster over his skin and I slid my hand into his to squeeze tightly.  “Azriel. _Please_ give me more time,” I begged, feeling every bit the coward I knew I was.

He didn’t answer.  He squeezed my hand, and left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh Azriel, you sad, lovely boy.
> 
> So far I've been able to sustain the steady posting of this fic as I write through the unwritten bits I have left in my story...so let's hope I can keep it up! Your support means the world. Thank you all for dropping me a comment or reblogging my tumblr posts.
> 
> More to come next week! (This I know for sure :] )


	7. The Darkness Below

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Radeniel had a quiet darkness that lurked under the surface. There was distrust, hesitance, fear. The dragon fought for me to think otherwise, but I could not shake the feeling that all this was because of the Prince..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Time for some plot movement. With added Cassian and Abarron. Cabarron?
> 
> Carry on.

#### The Darkness Below

#### Cassian

_ Abarron was only six years old when Rhys suggested he visited The Court of Nightmares for his first appearance. Feyre, surprisingly agreed.  _

_ Nesta did not. _

_ “Cassian,” she implored for the last time, clutching the banister of the townhouse stairs.  _

_ At my side, Feyre and Rhys were ready with Abarron between them.  They all glittered in some manner of black velvet and diamonds. I took the few steps to reach Nesta and she tilted her head to meet my eyes.  Her hands clutched at my leathers. _

_ “He’s just a boy,” she sighed, voice wavering. “He’s too young.” _

_ “Sweetheart,” I chided. “It’s done. Two High Lords to none.” _

_ Nesta threw a scathing look at her sister.  _

_ “Now, you can come with us and play your part.” I eyed her sternly. “Remain aloof and leave our nephew to his own capable devices...” _

_ Her eyes shifted down to the dark-haired boy between Feyre and Rhys.  _

_ “ _ Or,”  _ I continued, “you can stay here and wait patiently for Abarron to return and relay his tale of success.” _

_ At last her brilliant icy eyes lifted to mine. Her mouth softened. Not quite to a smile, but her frown was gone. “I’ll stay,” she whispered. _

_ I lifted my hand and dragged my thumb down her cheek. “As you wish. We won’t be long.” _

_ A tiny hand slipped into my free one. Abarron stepped beside me and looked up at his aunt with a proud grin. “I’m not frightened, Auntie,” he said. His tiny, pompous voice reminded me so fiercely of his father in my memories.  _

_ Nesta’s eyes were shining as she sunk to her knees to address him.  _

_ “Of course you’re not, darling. You’re much braver than I am.” _

_ Abarron shrugged and Rhys chuckled behind him.  _

_ “You do as your parents say, understand?” _

_ “I will,” he said. “Father already showed me what it looks like. And Uncle will keep me safe.” _

_ “Too right I will,” I assured them both, squeezing his hand.  _

_ Nesta smiled up at me at last. “Very well. Off you go.” She rose to her full height and stepped in to kiss me once. “Lose him and you sleep on the veranda.” _

_ I laughed over her lips, then swatted at her as she stepped away, out of reach.  _

_ “Off we go then,” Rhys echoed, extending his hand to his son. He winked at Nesta and we were gone.  _

 

***

 

“Uncle?”

I flinched in my seat and blinked a few times to focus my eyes.

Abarron was staring at me with an eyebrow raised.  That small boy from my memory had morphed into a full grown male.  My brother’s near twin. We’d been playing Stones on a low crate for the last few hours.  The fire burned low in the center of my tent, hushing the light and the noise all around us.  I hadn’t had a quiet chat with my nephew in what felt like an age.

In what probably  _ was _ an age.

It was certainly quiet around camp. Nothing but the roar of fires and snapping of tent canvas could be heard. My brain, on the other hand, was a cacophony of rampant thoughts and fury. 

The aftermath of battle was hard enough. Being separated from everyone I loved was something else. 

Abarron waved his game piece in my face. “Are they keeping you up too late, old man?”

I slapped his hand away and sent the stone piece flying across the tent.

“What would you know about being up late, boy?” I teased.  “I heard you go to bed as soon as the sun sets.”

He laughed.  “Is that so? Rumors spread by whom, may I ask?”

I waved my hand and grinned at him.  “Nearly every female in Velaris.”

“I see.”

“Something you want to tell me?”

His ice-blue eyes narrowed as he leaned over the board.  “You can pay women to appear at your door in secret, you know.”

“ _ Pay them _ ?” I chortled.  “Can’t get any with your own devices?”

Abarron aggressively took one of my pieces from the board and threw it across the tent to settle by its twin.  “Enough. I don’t like joking about escorts.”

“Fair enough.”

Eyes flashing, he hesitated before he said, “I’m not paying anyone.  I have a lover. We’re being discreet.”

I watched him quietly with raised eyebrows.

“She’s Illyrian.”

Now I was grinning.

“Contain yourself, Uncle.”

I scrubbed the smile from my face with the back of my hand.  “As you wish. Although, you’d be more than welcome to gloat a little, if you want.”

My nephew scowled.  “I’d like to set a higher standard than most of my family, if you don’t mind.”

A loud laugh fell from my lips as I took one of his pieces off the board, finally.  We went through a few more turns before my thoughts wandered back to my wife, and her silence.  Abarron was already watching me when I lifted my eyes.

“Does Nesta write you?” I asked, cautiously.

His steely eyes held, then shied away.  “Yes, but she doesn’t say much. Father says no one in Radeniel is saying much.”  He made his move on the board, then sat back. “Do you think something is going on?”

I nodded and let my eyes unfocus on the board before us.  “They’re hiding something. I can’t figure out what. It may be too dangerous to communicate clearly, or perhaps the letters are being intercepted somehow.  I can’t tell.”

“Surely Azriel would return if there was something truly wrong.”

I growled under my breath.

His lay his hand over my forearm.  “If you must go, take me with you.”

This boy.  So fiercely devoted to his family, just like his father.  Hundreds of memories floated in my head of Abarron protecting his mother, Nesta, even me on occasion.  I gave most of the credit to Nesta for adoring him...but perhaps I had underestimated my own feelings.  

Now he was offering himself to save her, just as I’m sure she would if the situation were reversed.  I gave him a nod.

“Before she left, I promised I’d find her if she was lost.  I want to help.”

I covered his hand with mine.  “Thank you.”

“Now,” he said, pulling away and placing both hands on his bent knees.  “You’d better catch up quick, or this game is going to end much sooner than you expected.”

 

_ *** _

####  Nesta  
  


I had sensed there was something off about the Radeniel council from the beginning.  Rhys had prepared me for this, after all. I may not be able to slip myself from one mind at the table to the next, but I did have eyes. And ears. And my own words. For the last hundred years, across lands and oceans, I had watched humans speak half-truths and falsehoods.  If there was a crack, I would find it. Determining whether or not the fissure ended up becoming an advantage was the challenge.

This court was different.

There were oddities; secrets and figurative traps set for me to walk into. Most of all, Radeniel had a quiet darkness that lurked under the surface.  There was distrust, hesitance, fear.

When Brynmor finally left the chamber after his hour-long appearance each day, everything became easier.  Truths were spoken and rules were written. 

I began to wonder what was hiding underneath the facade?  The dragon fought for me to think otherwise, but I could not shake the feeling that all this was because of the Prince...

As the days and weeks wore on, we had drafted the basic frame of a treaty.  We had decided on trade, military support, and expansion. Still, that hesitant darkness seemed to seep out between the written lines on the parchment.  The head counsellor sat across from me at the ancient oak table. With each day that passed, our relationship strengthened until he became my closest ally in the room.  He had kind green eyes that seemed to sparkle in the bright light of the war room. His grey hair was thinning at the top, and he spoke fondly of Brynmor’s grandmother, the last queen of the kingdom.  The Prince’s name did not fall from his lips with the same intonation. Instead, i detected bitterness and regret attached to the soft timbre of his voice. 

It appeared the advisors did not trust their Prince.  They knew he was hiding something, and as much as the dragon inside me barked at the betrayal, I knew it to be true.

Revealing the mystery would take time - hopefully time that we had.  I would protect my realm from this secrecy and doubt at all costs.

It was because of this, that I decided to bring Azriel with me after our argument.  So far, only myself and my guard had attended the treaty sessions. Azriel preferred to use the time for his own spying.  Most days I’d see his silhouetted form flit past the windows near the ceiling. I didn’t want to disrupt his work, but if anyone could sense the unrest within the chamber, it would be our Shadowsinger.

I selfishly hoped that he would finally understand why I could not -  _ would _ not - abandon my cause.

The day’s session started normally, with a review of our progress and the list of things still to cover.  The review was mostly for the benefit of the Prince, who never seemed to pay much attention. 

On this day, he was on edge and he fidgeted under his silken finery.  His pale eyes, normally commanding and steady, were flighty as jumped from Azriel to myself to his council.  The presence of my Illyrian companion was unexpected, and obviously unwelcome.

As soon as Brynmor excused himself after an hour, the whole room seemed to relax.  I felt the change in Azriel the moment he realized the truth. He sat at rigid attention at my side, as though he would miss a detail if he dared to move.

I knew including him wasn’t the same as a true apology, but it cemented the reason why I  _ had _ to stay.  It wasn’t just my stubbornness and pride, it was more.  I had to see this through, and it was unsafe for our High Lord and Lady to come to my rescue.

That evening, after the session, Azriel followed me to my quarters like an eager hound at my heels.  His eyes latched to mine as soon he shut the door behind us. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I wanted to be sure.”

He shook his head in exasperation.  “I’ve been combing this horrid place for  _ weeks _ and have found nothing more than chips in the plaster.”  When he looked up again his mouth pulled up to one side. “I underestimated you.”

“You had your reasons.”

He fidgeted with his hands at his side. “I see now what you’re doing, and my heart is sad for it.  I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” I said, reaching out to twist his awkward fingers with my own.  “Don’t apologize, and don’t be sad. We will do what we must to protect our realm.”

His eyes tightened slightly.  “And if Cassian were here? Would that not help  _ you _ in the very least?”

A helpless sense of longing exploded through my veins like liquid gold.   _ Cassian _ .  

“You know as well as I do that he would crumble the place.”

Azriel didn’t argue.

“Have I have earned your trust?”

He squeezed my hand.  “It’s not a matter of trust, Nesta. The danger of your situation is just as fragile as the secrets hiding within the court.  You  _ must _ be careful.”

Amazingly, the pain in my chest had dulled through the day, as my brain had focused on the fine art of negotiation.  It all ended in an instant as the dragon inside me burst to life. I felt the pull - that deep-rooted desire to  _ see _ Brynmor.  To be with him.  I swallowed the bile in my throat.

“I’ll be careful,” I said, my voice a whisper.

From that point on, the hesitance Azriel had demonstrated around me seemed to settle.  He would always worry, it was who he was, but we were finally a team. I did my best to keep my promise, but it was difficult to do so when the Prince seemed so intent on inviting me places, accompanying me through the halls or learning about who I was.  I was an ambassador, and it was my duty to graciously accept hospitality from the host. I was supposed to learn and absorb the culture around me, but each offer chipped at my resolve piece by piece.

It was acceptable to turn down an escort to the dining room, or an offered elbow without being rude, but the Prince was insistent.  I started to wonder if he suspects something too. He appeared alone in corridors, hoping to catch me in a moment of vulnerability. My traitorous heart skipped into a gallop at the sight of him, my stomach turned with guilt and horror.  This wasn’t meant to be easy, but Mother how I wished it would be…

Eventually, the days came where he invited me on outings I could not refuse.  Teas in the afternoon, meeting members of his royal family, rides touring throughout his kingdom.  Outside of the palace the pain inside was more bearable, as though the constraints on my heart were lifted slightly and I could breathe a little easier.

Aside from Mor, no one in the Night Court kept horses.  Valeris was so isolated, most inhabitants had no desire to leave the city.  Inside the walls, horses had no place within the slow and easy lifestyle. The would add unwelcome noise and filth to the glistening streets.

I had ridden when I was a young human child, several lifetimes ago.  I enjoyed gentle power of the beasts; the twists of muscle underneath the shiny coat as they galloped across the countryside.  I was no longer a human girl, however, and my immortal scent set my mount on edge. It was a constant struggle, but then again, so was everything else here.

The rolling hills outside the castle grounds were truly beautiful, and my uneasiness began to fade as we rode through the gentle twisting roads.  I followed Brynmor through small clustered woods on the hillsides and glass-topped ponds surrounded by reeds and humming insects. Each day we visited a different village.

The dwellings were simple but newly built, and the streets were busy.  These human inhabitants were impoverished, but they were not burdened by the heavy winters that my family had lived through.  Their growing season lasted all year. Surely they had it easier...

As the villagers gathered around us, their reaching hands and arms full of flowers and gifts, I prepared to meet the wide eyes and stares with gentleness and kindness.  After all, the days of war were over, as well as Rhysand’s cruel mask. We were immortals, but there was peace to uphold. I saw the way their eyes lingered on the sharp points of my ears, or the unnatural smoothness of my hair and skin.  

Unfortunately, Brynmor spoke before I had a chance to clasp fingers with the awed mortals.  “Get back, all of you. Back to your hovels!” 

His words were short and cruel.  I watched the way his eyes turned to stone and his lip curled in disgust as the villagers crowded our horses.  With a pang of sickness, I saw  _ myself _ in him.  The way I used to be.

The dragon purred inside me.

The Prince waved his hand with the finality of a broadsword and the peasants dispersed back into their homes or out to the fields, leaving behind the gifts and trinkets they had brought us.

“Leave them,” he hissed, staring at the pounded metal door hangings and flower crowns as though they were made of filth.  

Had I powers, I would have snapped one of the entwined blooms into my hand to keep it, but mounted on my horse all I could do is watch them sink further and disappear into the mud. 

I tried to hold onto my anger as, yet with each step of my horse, renewed desire pooled in my stomach.  With that thread of familiarity, the crack in my heart opened even wider.

I now saw why we were well matched; my human heart had been similar.  Long ago, when I was still pumping mortal blood through my veins, I would have fallen for him.  I would have crowded the streets awaiting his arrival,  _ praying _ for the chance that he would see me in the crowd.  Elain would have plaited my hair around my head and wrapped me in our finest fur cloak.  My cheeks would have been pinched and prodded until they glowed in the winter daylight like roses in frost.

Would the Prince have seen me then?  Would the bond have drawn us together still?

A  _ Queen _ , I thought.  I would have been Queen.  Queen to a pompous and hateful King who trotted me around like a prize.  It was everything I had ever wanted.

As a human.

Fantasy faded into reality.  I had been no one then, and he never would have seen me surrounded by the rest of my village.  We had all been fading into nothing. He would have been disgusted by the sight of us.

_ Now  _ I was a lady of my court. I had a position and a reputation.  He had seen me, and it was a good match.

At least, it would have been if I was unmarried.

If my heart did not ache for the Illyrian who had captured it.

With a sickening drop of my stomach, I realized I hadn’t thought of Cassian for an entire day.  My skin flushed red hot and I gripped the pommel of my saddle to keep from falling sideways into the dust.  

_ Cassian _ .

My heart called out in vain, but he would not hear.  He was surrounded by the clangs and shouts of battle.  

_ But he loved me _ .

My rides with Brynmor became more frequent, as well as his presence around me outside of the treaty meetings.   With each moment we shared, the pain grew worse and worse.

There was guilt, regret, and a horrifying sense of longing.

The desire began haunting my dreams, showing me visions of myself and the Prince - huddled close, embracing, or worse.

The more I saw of him, and the more I got to know him, the worse the dreams became.  Yet, I could not deny the welcome lessening of the pain each time he asked for my company.   I knew I was weak, but the small interval of relief was my only solace for a long night ahead.

As the cracks inside my heart grew, and the dragon squeezed tighter and tighter, I remained determined to discover the source of uneasiness at court.  I realized I needed to add precautions to the treaty. My vulnerability in this castle was not unlike the vulnerability of my people.

My curiosity had turned into worry, and I added another anxiety onto the burning pyre in the pit of my stomach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ack this is hard! She's trying so hard, you guys!!
> 
> I hate writing Brynmor, I really do.
> 
> I am so grateful for all of your trust in this fic. I assure you, I'm not trying to rip our babies apart for nothing, lol.
> 
> So ends flashback Cassian, he's back in action you guys and he is NOT HAVING A GOOD TIME.
> 
> I've reached the hole in the middle of my fic now. Will try to fill it for next week. But if not, two weeks! <3<3


	8. Unwavering Certainty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Cassian always told me to follow my instincts and I held on to his faith as my feet carried me across the hall. If my instincts were right, then I would truly succeed in uniting the realms._  
>  If not, then my kingdom was doomed to ruin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your patience! This gap has given me a chance to finish writing some of the middle chapters that I was missing.
> 
> Please enjoy the return of real-time Cassian.

####  Unwavering Certainty

####  **Cassian**

 

“Damn,” I cursed and crumpled the parchment in my fist.

I was inside my tent, reading Nesta’s latest letter, which had appeared on my desk at some point amidst battle.  As had been the case for the last two months, it was vague and emotionless. My heavy armor was hanging off my shoulders and torso in disarray, half removed, half in place.  I’d thrown my squire backwards once I’d seen the parchment.

Mor, who had also been waiting in my tent, excused the boy from standing around awkwardly, waiting for me to hold still.  My friend now sat at a low table, picking fruit from a bowl. 

“What is it?” she asked, absently, inspecting a grape between her fingers.

I shook my head.  “Something is wrong.  It’s been wrong this whole time, but it’s getting worse. I can tell by her writing.”

Mor flashed me a withering look.  “Do you ever think maybe you’re just  _ hoping _ something is wrong so you can crash through the ceiling and save the day like always?”

Were I in the mood, I would have agreed with her, but this sick, twisted feeling of  _ wrongness _ had been circling in my gut since before Nesta and I had parted.  I glared at Mor and she popped the grape into her mouth.

“I should go to her.”

Mor chewed and stood, grudgingly.  “Now now, Cassian. Take a deep breath.  If something is  _ really _ wrong, then she’d ask for you.  _ Azriel _ would ask for you.”

I threw the wad of parchment on the ground.  “Azriel has been hiding something as well. I’ve heard  _ nothing _ out of him.”

“Then perhaps it’s fin-”

“It is  _ not _ fine!” I shouted.

Mor stilled and absorbed the force of my anger.  I relented, and bowed my head in apology. “I’m sorry.”

I was surprised to feel her hand on my arm.  “I understand how you feel, Cassian, and I know  _ you _ . I know you hate not knowing, especially when your loved ones could be in danger.”

I covered her hand with mine.

Mor said, “I beg you, in this instance, to trust her.  This is important to her.”

_ Trust _ .  Was this about trust?  I trusted her abilities and her judgement.  I trusted Azriel, of course…

But  _ what _ was hiding in the inky blackness of the unknown?  They were omitting a huge piece of the puzzle and I wanted to know why.  In the past, Nesta could hardly contain her excitement during negotiations.  It was downright arrogant and I  _ loved _ it.

This time, she came across in her letters as exhausted and patient.  It was completely out of character.

“Has Kime’a said nothing?” I asked, realizing the foolishness of my question too late.

A flicker of annoyance flashed across Mor’s eyes.  “She hasn’t, and it’s not her place to gossip about her commanding officers out of turn.  Have you really become so desperate?”

My anger reignited, like quick catching flames on grassland.  I brushed her hand away and stalked to the opening of my tent, shrugging off the rest of my heavy armor. It fell loudly to the dust at my feet.  Outside, a female legion was marching back from battle, sweaty, injured and bloody. They stood tall and marched in formation, wings bobbing with each step.

Perhaps Mor was right.  If it was a real threat, would Nesta not call for me?  At the very least, would Azriel step in to protect her?  

Of course.  Of course he would.

My eyes caught a soldier as she passed.  There was a curtain of long, auburn hair waving at her back.  Without warning, an empty twang of pain thumped in my heart. I grimaced and swallowed it down.   _ Milandra _ .

I hadn’t seen my rejected mate in nearly a century.  

Realization hit me like a five ton boulder.

“By the Mother,” I hissed, then covered my mouth with my hand.

“What is it?”  I didn’t realize Mor was so close.  She reached out again, rings clanging against the gauntlet on my wrist.  She twisted me around.

Her dark eyes mirrored the look on my face.  The emptiness from Milandra left me as she disappeared in a cloud of dust with the rest of the soldiers.  Instead, sick, desperate fear latched itself to my chest at my realization.

“Her mate,” I said, in a half whisper.

Mor’s eyes tightened in confusion.  “Her mate? Who’s mate?”

“She’s found him.”

She was shaking her head disbelievingly.  “ _ Nesta _ ?  How do you know?”

“I  _ know _ .”

Mor’s glare was hard.  “Cassian.”

“Don’t lecture me now, Mor.  I have to go to her.”

Her grip on my arm was firm, and she held me in place with all the force she possessed.  We watched each other with wide eyes.

“No,” she said.

“ _ No? _ ”  I tried to free my arm but she persisted.  “You’re telling  _ me _ no?”

“You have a duty, Cassian.  You are a general and your men are engaged in open warfare.  You  _ cannot _ leave.”

“And what of my duty as a husband, Mor? What of that?”

“Use your brain, Cassian.  Victory is near. This battle will be won in mere days.  Until then, if it is too much for her, she will call for you.  Azriel will call for you. Rushing to the Human Realm now will only be an insult to her,  _ and _ your men.”

My heart was aching.  

“Trust her, as she trusts you.”

“But what if…”  My throat constricted so I could not speak.

Her hand on me tightened.  

“What if she chooses her mate over me?”

Mor’s beautiful face softened, and she stepped close to press a palm to my cheek.  “She  _ won’t _ .”

I closed my eyes tight and focused everything on the warm, soft feeling of her hand on my face.

Grounding.  Mor was grounding, and I was making decisions on the fly, against my better judgement.  She was right, of course. I couldn’t leave now, I’d leave our men to lose the battle we’d fought so hard to win.  Victory was soon at hand, and after that I could leave this place. What would change in mere days?

A lump rose higher in my throat as I begged myself not to think too much harder.

_ No _ .  Nothing would change.  Nesta would be fighting against the bond.  Had she been dealing with this the whole time?

In addition to all her other responsibilities, Nesta was fighting the horrible, soul-binding pain of her true match, and  _ us _ .  It was just as she had feared so long ago when I’d told her everything...

“Cassian?”

“I’ll wait,” I ground out, fighting the sick feeling in my stomach.  “You’re right. I’ll stay until the battle is won.”

Now Mor slipped her arms around me and held me tight.  I hid my face in her hair. She smelled like Velaris. Like  _ home _ .  

“If what you say is true, then there is a long, hard road ahead,” she said softly.  “You both can tackle those challenges together.”

Wait for me Nesta.  _ Please _ .  Wait for me.

  
***

####  **Nesta**

 

I wasn’t entirely sure how I had managed to secure a seat on the dias during the tournament.  At home, within the Inner Circle, Cassian and I were privy to ‘royal treatment.’ We appeared by Rhys and Feyre as they carried out official business or made appearances.  It felt  _ right _ there, with my family and my friends.  But here?

When Brynmor had asked me to attend the tournament, I knew I couldn’t refuse, as much as I had wanted to.  As the treaty neared completion and my nerves pushed their breaking point, I was fit to collapse at any moment.

Or explode…

Noise, food, interaction.  It was all too much. I wanted to be  _ done _ and I wanted to leave.  I wanted Cassian more desperately than ever.

Despite all that, it was a beautiful late summer’s day.  Over our heads, an intricately patterned tent blocked the sun from our eyes.  All around us, banners for Radeniel billowed in the breeze - a sea of dusty green wavering against a clear blue sky.  To my left, Prince Brynmor sat with his hand draped over his wooden throne. His fingers arched in my direction, as though I could take his hand if I wished.  Part of me wanted to reach for it, if only to feel the fleeting sense of relief. I felt like the promised Princess from another land, paraded in front of the kingdom for all to see.  Instead, I kept my hands clasped tightly to my own chair.

We would not touch.  I would not acknowledge any outward signs of what I knew to be true.  For we would never be partners, not in this way. Perhaps not in any way…

If I had learned anything new in the past several days, it was that Brynmor was uninterested in building any kind of professional relationship.

The realization sent a chill down my spine, mate or not. 

The air outside the palace walls was hot and heavy.  The pins from my hair dug unpleasantly into my scalp and the brocade of my gown itched and tugged.  The chair under me was wobbly and uncomfortable, surely a result of its use over the past hundred years.  The canvas creaked and stretched whenever I moved and I gripped the ancient wood armrests tighter

Before us, the fields outside the palace had been transformed into a lively fairgrounds.  The playing fields were surrounded by towering stands filled with people. The noise was unbearable and grated against my eardrums with each building roar from the crowds.  For the last few hours, horses and men had plowed into each other one after the next. I remembered the days when my sisters and I considered these games ‘sport.’ Now all I saw were weak mortals on the ground knocked out cold, maimed or worse.  Yet still the crowd cheered and hollered in delight.

When they weren’t waving shields and banners at the melee below, the crowd had their eyes on me, watching me like I was some gossip-worthy figure.  They had seen me trotting beside their ruler over the last few weeks and they recognized me now.

The old Nesta would have reveled in it.  She would have jut her chin and borne the scrutiny like a proud swan.

This Nesta wanted to flee.

I wanted my mate by my side, not these...strangers.

Brynmor lay his hand on my arm and I flinched. The chair creaked loudly.  He gave me a slow, secret smile as though we had shared something charming.  I fought the urge to rip my arm away.

My heart plummeted in my chest and I inhaled a slow, shaky break to try and ease its fall.

“Are you enjoying the tourney?”

I swallowed thickly before answering in typical Nesta-fashion.  “Enjoying? Am I supposed enjoy two grown men pommelling each other on the ground?”

The Prince grew still and blinked at me.  

I had surprised him.

I looked back towards the field.  “I’m afraid I see enough of that at home.”  I paused and added more sweetly, “But I am curious to see how your men hold up to my Illyrian in the ring.”

Both us gazed over the bannister and down into the field below.  Men circled the trampled grass to nail a cream-colored ribbon in a rough circle.  Inside were two warriors, preparing for hand-to-hand combat.

Azriel stood alone as his human opponent was oiled and pampered by his squires from the other end of the ring.  Both males had their chests bare, all traces of armor and protection removed. Even Azriel’s syphons were missing, guarded carefully by Kime’a, I suspected.  

The crowd was hooting and leering at my friend, seemingly naive to what was about to happen.  I knew, without a doubt, that Azriel would have this man on his back in less than a heartbeat.  Perhaps the mortals assumed the wings protruding from his back would act as an advantage. 

I found myself watching him carefully -  _ protectively _ .  I was conscious of his scars and tattoos across his skin - all of his dark and brutal memories bared for all to see.  When he agreed to this spectacle a few days ago, had he realized he would be gawked at by the entire kingdom?

Azriel’s eyes shifted to mine for a moment.

Darker and warmer than Cassian's, his irises were like moss in the sunlight.  My lips parted as though to speak, to say something out loud. What?  _ Be careful.  Get him! _  I pursed them closed again and clenched my teeth, hard.

Everyone knew that Azriel was serious.  His smiles were rare and hardly seen outside the confines of our close family circle.  Yet as he caught my worried gaze, the corner of his mouth pulled up on one side in a brilliant, charming smile.  Then, as the ringmaster lifted his hand to start the round, Azriel closed one eye in a subtle wink.

The human soldier was on the ground in less than four seconds.  He stared up at Azriel with wide and terrified eyes as his hands clawed uselessly at Azriel’s scarred forearm.  Az’s wings were tucked in tight, proof that they had paid no advantage to him in this scenario. Rather than wait for the soldier to surrender, the Illyrian released him and gestured with his hand.

“Up!” he shouted.  “Again.”

The man stumbled to his feet and stared after Azriel with his mouth hanging open.  “What?”

“Try again.  Come,” Az said, curling his fingers.  I bit back a smile.

The human took a different route this time, aiming for Azriel’s middle, rather than his legs, but the Illyrian was much quicker.  Azriel sidestepped the attack, wrapped his arm around the man’s neck and slammed him backwards onto the ground. The human’s breath fell from his lungs in a  _ whoosh _ as he hit the ground hard.   

“Sluggish and obvious.  Again.” Azriel shouted.

The officials on the sidelines were eyeing the Prince from across the ring.  I turned to watch Brynmor, but his eyes remained trained to the field. “Is this how you fight where you come from?” he asked, without amusement.

I smiled pleasantly.  “No. It’s usually much more brutal.  I think he’s trying to help your man.”

The Prince clenched his fist.  “Enough!” he shouted. “A real fight!  Loser exits the ring.”

Azriel was laughing, even as the match was counted down.  The faithful human soldier was on his back in even less time than the other three attempts.  He left the ring with his head bowed low and his arm in a sling.

Over the course of the next hour, Azriel planted every soldier flat on his back.  A hazy cloud of dust settled over the ring, like smoke. At my side, I could sense the Prince getting more and more bored and annoyed.  

“That’s enough,” he said after the twelfth human soldier had lost to Azriel.  “Prepare for the next event.” Brynmor swept away from the dias soon after in a flurry of his velvet cape.  When the first jousting round began, I fled my chair to find Azriel. He was waiting for me in a nearby tent, with a rag slung around his neck like a towel.

“And you were worried,” he snorted as I stopped before him.

I couldn’t fight the smile that worked its way onto my face, even as I jabbed him in the shoulder.  “I’d spar you myself if it wasn’t so risky,” I said in a whisper.

His teeth gleamed in the sunlight as he grinned.  “You’d still lose.”

I gestured behind me to the castle in the distance.  “I can’t continue this charade any longer, I’m going back.”

A crease formed between Azirel’s brow as he nodded.  Kime’a stepped beside me. “I’ll join you,” she said.  “These human males are so idiotic, I fear I may rip one apart, just to make him shut up.”

“A wise decision,” he said. He’d meant for it to sound light-hearted and failed.  His eyes studied me for a moment. “You are well?”

“Well enough,” I said.  “Go easy on the mortals, won’t you?”

We parted and Kime’a and I made our way slowly back to the palace.  After we crossed the gates, we walked through the deserted quadrangle to the gardens.  They were finer than any mortal gardens I had seen, yet I had spent hardly any time in them before now.  The pathways seemed so open and unprotected. With Kime’a at my side I felt emboldened, and we strolled through the manicured maze in silence.

My friend and guard was tall and lovely.  She and Mor made a handsome pair; Mor flighty and pale, Kime’a grounded and dark.  Her silky black hair was piled on top of her head in a messy tangle and wisps of flame-like tattoos peeked out of the collar of her leathers and up her neck.  Outsiders thought she was a hard-edged warrior, and she preferred to keep it that way. Her friends knew that she was sweet and thoughtful, graceful and quiet.

“You should tell Elain about this garden,” she said, tracing her fingers over a pale yellow rose that had drooped over the path.  

“I should,” I agreed, picturing my sister here.  Despite an immortal century, she still favored this style of garden.  Fae grounds were much more...wild.

We crossed a gravelled intersection of pathways and continued under a canopy of climbing roses and wisteria.  Forged iron arches covered the path from the harsh sun above. Glass-like reflecting pools stretched on either side, filled with bright orange fish and water lillies.

I was overwhelmed by the tranquility.  Perhaps it was in contrast to the horror of being trapped here, or missing Cassian from my side.  It had been two months and my chest was still ripped open and wounded. My dress hung off me in a way that was concerning.  I longed for the day when I didn’t feel too sick to eat food, even mortal food.

I was so far inside my head, I didn’t hear the approaching footfalls until it was too late.  

“My lady,” Brynmor drawled.

I closed my eyes as my insides fought the all-too-familiar battle.  Pleasure, longing, hatred. After a lingering moment of recovery, I bowed. “My lord.”

His eyes shifted to Kime’a expectantly.  “May I have a moment?”

She squeezed my elbow and fell a few paces back, but no more.  The Prince was displeased, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.

“I was hoping we might have an interlude alone,” he said, offering his elbow.

I refused his arm and twisted it around my back instead.  “I’d prefer if Kime’a remain with us,” I said, cooly.

“Nesta I…” he sucked in a breath then turned to face me.  I saw the desperation in his eyes, a manifestation of the feelings we were meant to share.  “You feel it too, don’t you?”

My knees shook under my skirts.  The dragon was clawing at my insides, begging to be released.  “I don’t understand,” I said, straining for control. My voice caught in my throat.

“There’s something between us, I know you feel it too.”

I tried to remember every tortured moment Cassian and I had spent orbiting each other.  My barbed threats, his blatant pining. I could still picture the beautiful look on his face as he begged me to love him.  Looking back, it seemed so easy to have fallen for him all those years ago.

It had been nothing like this…

There was ice between Brynmor and me.  Perhaps that was how the gods intended it to be. After all, the mortal Nesta would have gladly lived in an ice kingdom with her cruel and calculating lover.

Cassian was heat and warmth and...home.

“I’m afraid I don’t know what you’re talking about, my Lord.”  I lifted my chin high. “I would remind you that I am married.”

The reminder shuttered the look in his eyes.  He sneered. “So you keep saying.”

Kime’a took a step closer.

“We would be so much better together,” he said urgently, knowing his time was slipping away.  “Can’t you see it?”

For the first time, I felt the actual threat of danger humming in the air around us.  There was a wild light in his eyes, a hint at what lay hidden below. I feared for myself, of course, but also for Kime’a and Azriel.  For Nirya, Ditie, Ganel and Varda. For Valeris…

Something had to be done.

“Excuse me, but we are due to prepare for supper.”  Kime’a’s voice rung out loudly in the quiet stillness of the gardens.  I pulled myself out of my head long enough to meet the Prince’s eyes.

Brynmor watched me expectantly, and when I remained silent, he turned on the spot and left.

We watched him go, with gravel spraying behind his purposeful footsteps.  When he turned out of sight, I stepped backwards into Kime’a and she steadied me.  

“Nesta?” she asked, quietly.

I wanted to crawl into bed and sleep for a hundred years.  I wanted to sink into the ground and disappear from this place.  I wanted  _ Cassian _ .

My desires would all have to wait.  

“I need to see the counselor,” I said.  Adrenaline pulled me upright, and spread through my body as I fled the garden. 

Everything had hit me under that vine-covered archway.  It thudded into place in my head, and for the first time since I arrived here, I knew what to do.

I had realised with unwavering certainty that when the moment was right, I would have to accept the bond.

If I was brave enough, I had the power to end all of this.

For the Night Court.  For Radeniel.

For Cassian.

For  _ me _ .

I found the counselor in the great hall.  He was mercifully alone. 

Throughout the course of our months of negotiations, the counselor had remained my one ally at the table.  While the rest of the council struggled with varying levels of distrust in the Prince, they trusted me even less.  In many ways, I felt the counselor trusted me  _ more _ .  Was I right to trust him now?  

Cassian always told me to follow my instincts and I held on to his faith as my feet carried me across the hall.  If my instincts were right, then I would truly succeed in uniting the realms. 

If not, then my kingdom was doomed to ruin.

“What is it, Emissary?” he asked when I reached him.

“Counselor,” I said, panting.  “I’d like to talk to you about the treaty.”

“Of course, of course,” he nodded, leaning me away from the open gallery and towards a secluded alcove.  “What is it?”

My heart was thundering and the dragon inside me was roaring.  “I’d like to revise our previous terms for treason.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ACK!!! What is she DOING??
> 
> Relief incoming next week, please hold tight.
> 
> Many snaps and claps and thank you to my friend NoBaggage who has improved this freshly-written chapter tenfold with her dutiful edits and comments. I appreciate it so much. <3


	9. Straight Out of a Dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"He ran to me, and took me into his arms like he was straight out of a dream."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is. The moment we've all been waiting for.
> 
> Enjoy <3

####  Straight Out of a Dream

####  Cassian

Azriel’s response to my letter seemed to validate my worst fears.

Once my legion’s victory had been declared on the battlefield, it was all I could do not to fly straight to Nesta and screw all the consequences.  Had it not been for Mor, I probably would have burst through my wife’s window and started an entire new war.

She had urged me to send word to Azriel before I took any action, rightfully so.  His response had flit to my hand within a few minutes.

_ Yes. Come at once. _

Mor, of course, had decided to come too.  We had agreed to meet outside the city gates to Radeniel, as to not cause a scene.  Mor winnowed us under the towering gate with the moon shining brightly above. Azriel was there, surrounded by a few of Nesta’s guard and a pair of human soldiers.

We greeted each other wordlessly and the palace guards led us through the stone city by foot, back towards the palace.  The entire city was lit brightly with a silver glow. Thatched roofs shone like gold atop hundreds of carved stone buildings.  Our feet clipped in sequence on the cobblestone streets. This kingdom was nothing out of the ordinary, typical for a mortal settlement; completely unoriginal.  I scanned the dwellings and peered into the backlit windows as we passed. 

Azriel looked ahead as he spoke.  “There is nothing out of place,” he remarked, coolly.

I glanced at him.

His eyes met mine.  “I’ve searched this place from top to bottom for months.  It’s pristine, but something has been off this whole time.  I can’t find it.”

We continued in tense silence, under archways and overhangs, until we reached the palace gates.  The massive wooden doors groaned to let us in, then clanged shut with a bone-rattling  _ thud _ .  We gathered in the well-manicured quadrangle until the guard bowed, and left the three of us alone at last.  Mor watched Azriel and I expectantly.

“So,” I huffed.  The tension had swelled in my chest to bursting. I felt as though my ribs were about to crack open.

“You’ve figured it out,” Azriel said, eyes narrowed.

“No thanks to you.”

His gaze fell to the ground, but he stood tall.  I watched his jaw and his fingers clench. “Brother, I-”

“You had better have a good reason,” I hissed.

Mor clucked her tongue at my prickly reply.  “Cass, this isn’t how you want to start this.”

I snarled and took a step towards Az.  He did not move a muscle. Only his nostrils flared with a quick breath as I crowded his body with mine.  “I’ll tell you how I want to start this. I want you to tell me why no one told me  _ anything _ .  I am her husband!  And she is-”

“Brilliant,” Azriel said gently.

_ Gently _ ?

That fucker is trying to be gentle with me  _ now _ ?

“Cassian, she’s brilliant. I don’t know how she’s doing it…”  His eyes were sad as they met mine. “It’s destroying her, but she’s done everything to ensure us this victory.  She’s made many sacrifices to see this through. All except for  _ one _ .”

Mor’s lips were pursed as she eyed us both.

“If I thought she was slipping I would have told you.  Her resolve is iron clad, but I can tell she is starting to crack.  She needs you.”

I fell back on my heels and gave him the space he deserved as I tried to catch my own breath.  Of course Nesta was in complete control. It was the tiny spark of hope I had needed. 

Azriel’s eyes kept a firm hold on me.  “I know you think I have betrayed your trust but the situation…”

“I know,” I sighed.  I pressed the heel of my hand into my eye and dragged it upwards, fingers threading through my hair.  “I  _ know _ .”

My friends watched me in the pale light.  Their eyes glittered with worry and love. 

“I trust you both.  But this... _ this _ ?”  I held out my hands.  Even as rage and fear were thundering through my veins, I could not miss the look on my brother’s face.  It was a pain I  _ knew _ he shared, when the female he loved had been bound to someone else for the last ninety years.

“She owed me this truth,” I said instead.  It hurt to say out loud, but it had been ripping me apart since I had discovered the truth.  “I told her all those years ago… and I thought she would give me the same privilege.”

With a flash of golden hair, Mor whipped her head around towards me.  “Told her what?”

“About my mate.”

Her mouth fell open.  “Your  _ what _ ?”  No one was more upset about being denied the truth than The Morrigan.

To my surprise, she whirled on Azriel.  “How dare you!”

Azriel’s downright shock would have made me laugh under different circumstances.  “How dare I what?”

“You didn’t tell me about this!” she pointed at me as though I was a prop.  I slapped her pale hand away.

“Excuse me, have you ever considered it’s none of your damn business?” I pointed out.

When she turned to face me, her shoulders slumped.  “I didn’t know,” she said, sadly. “Cassian, I’m so sorry.  What happened to her?”

I lifted my shoulder in a shrug, it was all I could manage.  The whole episode had happened so long ago. “Nothing. I saw her the other day.”

“And...how did you…?”

“I pushed it aside.  Cut the thread before it took hold,” I said.  I contemplated the space in my heart that was numb, that I’d given up.  “I met Nesta the very next day. I’ve never regretted my decision. Not for an instant.”

Mor blinked slowly.  “You never cease to amaze me.”  She placed a hand on her hip. “The whole kingdom could be burning down around us, and you’d somehow find a coin on the ground.”

I laughed through my nose and restrained a grin.  She smiled back. “I think the word you’re looking for is, ‘lucky,’” I teased.

Her smile widened.  “Maybe so.” As my revelation seemed to settle into the cobblestones around us, she turned back to Azriel and narrowed her eyes. “So…?”

His eyes rolled.  “Not this again. Are we at peace now?”  His eyes found mine. “All of us?”

I watched him carefully in the darkness.  The lights from the windows shone through the membrane of his relaxed wings.  If he was right and she was still safe, and whole and….mine… I owed him  _ everything _ .

I wanted to say so much, but didn’t yet have the words.  For now, all I could say was, “Yes,” and hold out my hand.  

He took it without hesitation, clasped it, and pulled me into an embrace.  Fighting without him, or the rest of my family, had been terribly lonely. 

Mor slipped herself into the crook of his arm as we parted.  He squeezed her tightly around her shoulders. “And how do you fare, darling?” she asked, watching him carefully.

Azriel was helpless to Mor and her kindness.  His eyes softened, even as he shrugged in his very familiar, vague way.  “Nothing much to report, damn the Cauldron. Everything around here is locked up pretty tight.  Perhaps my skills are waning...”

Even in the darkness I could see Mor’s eyes roll into her skull.  “Az, you fool. I’m talking about  _ you _ .  How are you?”

He had known, of course he had.  He scratched at the back of his neck awkwardly.  “I’m better now, actually. Now that you both are here.”  His eyes shifted to mine. “I don’t know what awaits us for the rest of our stay here.  Nesta is due to have the treaty signed tomorrow. There’s a celebratory ball in the evening.”

My lip curled.   _ Ball _ .  But first…

My voice lowered.  “Does she know I’m here?”

Azriel shook his head.  “I didn’t dare distract her.  Things are...tense in the negotiations.  She has to tread carefully.”

I looked up at the palace that loomed over us.  I wondered which window was hers…

“I’ll take you when she returns from the council session,” he said, sensing the exact direction of my thoughts.  “It shouldn’t be long…”

“Shall we drink until then?” Mor suggested hopefully.

Azriel snorted.

“Yeah,” I sighed.  “Let’s do that.”

  
  


***

####  Nesta

 

Cassian arrived after nightfall, as the moon began shining through the gaps in the curtains.  At first, I thought perhaps he was Azriel, or Kime’a, entering to check on me. The strain from my anxieties and exhaustion kept me awake most of the night.

I sat up in bed at the sound of the door opening.  I could only imagine what I looked like through his eyes.  His were sunken and deep, painted with bruised purple under his eyelids. I wondered if he too had been unable to sleep while we were apart.  His leathers were partially unbuttoned, revealing the white shirt and tattoos underneath. I was half out of my bed in my night clothes, staring at him in disbelief.  A hallucination wouldn’t be out of the question.

“Cassian…?”

He ran to me, and took me into his arms like he was straight out of a dream.  Every sensation I’d been aching for barrelled into me. His strong arms, holding me to him.  His chest, broad and warm. His heart, thundering against my ribs. The scratch of his chin on my forehead and the softness of his lips to my hair.

“Cauldron boil me, Nesta Archeron,” he said in a rush of breath.  “You look halfway to death.”

I started weeping then - uncontrollably.  Like a child woken from a nightmare. In a way, I suppose I was.  Now that he was here, the threat of losing him was far too real. My knees gave out under my night dress and we sunk to the ground.  His chest shuddered under my cheek, and I felt the wetness of his own tears on my shoulder. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?” he groaned, pressing his nose to my cheek.

_ He knew _ .

Of course he knew.  Cassian sensed everything.  The realization only made me cry harder.

“You were hurting,” he murmured this time, hands soothing and gentle as the swept up and down my back.  “I could do nothing. Why would you suffer through this alone?”

I sucked in a deep breath, and pushed aside my tears.  I wasn’t alone, not with Azriel, Kime’a and the others here.  I hiccupped as I sat back to watch him. My hands found their way to his face on their own accord, pressing flat to the scratchy planes of his cheek.  

“Answer me,” he demanded.  His eyes were pleading.

“Because,” I said, lifting myself onto my knees so we were even.  “Because I’ve had you for the last ninety years, and I know strength.  For once, dammit, I wanted to be the strong one.”

He gathered me to him again, fisting the fabric of my gown against my back.  We kissed, hot and insistent, more pain than pleasure but it was  _ necessary.  _ I needed him the way the sea needs the sky. Two pieces of the same soul, soldered together. 

His lips healed me slightly, just enough to hold me together, for now. The warmth from his mouth seeped through me, starting deep inside and spreading outwards.

“Take me away from here,” I said, barely a breath between us.

He kissed me again, before pulling back.  “Where?” He was already standing and lifting me off the floor.  My feet swung over the tiles with each step.

“Anywhere.  Away from this place.  It... _ hurts _ being here.  It’s easier when I’m away.”

We kissed and waddled out onto the narrow balcony. The gravity-defying swoop of his body falling over the edge and into the sky, was nothing compared to the aching pain inside me.

I pressed my face into the heat of my husband’s neck, soaking it in through my eyelids and trying to burn the thoughts of the Prince from my mind.  I could only guess where we’d land, but the feeling of his arms around me and rhythmic beating of his strong wings calmed me. I was being drawn back into my body, and back to myself.

We started our descent over a vast, mountain lake, fringed on all sides by miles and miles of fir trees.  They stretched into the sky like dark, jagged fingers. Cassian found a rocky shore to land on, and he swooped down to the water’s edge, boots crunching loudly on the stones.  They scattered and rolled towards the water like dropped marbles. He set me down gingerly, and let me settle my bare feet on the ground.

The lake was lit up in moonlight that cast a silvery glow all around us.  I wanted to forget everything and merely watch the ripples of light on his face.  It had only been months, but I felt like we’d been apart for another hundred years.  Deep lines of worry framed his mouth, hard-set and grave. 

“Can’t we be happy, just for tonight?” I begged, childishly.  I knew it was foolish, but the weight of our reality was too much to sort through during what must be our brief reunion.  I wanted him to tell me everything about his battle with his lips tracing the shell of my ear, and his voice rumbling the bones in my body.

“Not yet, sweetheart,” he said, dragging a knuckle down my cheek.

I looked up at him, like a guilty hound.  He caught my hands and gathered them to his chest, grounding me to him. I slipped my fingers under the open collar of his shirt to feel his warm skin and muscles stretched over his chest.  His heart fluttered and raced under my fingers. 

“It’s true then,” he said softly. His voice grated against the soft air around us.  “The Prince is your mate?”

My whisper was nearly lost as the waves lapped the shore.  “Yes.”

“When did you know?”

I closed my eyes hard and tight, fighting the wave of nausea the memory inspired.  “Right away.”

His face showed everything.  It was painted with hurt and sorrow and it broke my heart.  His mouth worked to form words - the  _ right _ words.

“And,” he said, voice thick, “how do you feel about him?”

Hot anger licked at my insides.  “How do I  _ feel _ about him?  Cassian, he’s no one.”

His face was still sad as he shook his head.  “He’s your mate, sweetheart. That makes him someone to you.  Do you want him?”

My lip trembled.  “No.  _ No _ .  But I feel him.”

He nodded.

“It makes me ill.  The pull is strong, as though I should fall over every move he makes.  I can hardly stand it.”

Cassian remained where he stood, eyes wide and glassy.  His jaw flexed and the words sounded as though they were ripped from him.  “And how do you feel about me?”

I wanted to scream.  “You prick,” I spat. “How dare you.”

“Tell me.”

I stalked over to him and shoved him, hard.  He caught my hands as he stepped backwards. “I love you, you bastard.”

The only sign of his relief was the hint of a smile, forming the creases at the corner of his eyes.  It was not enough to sooth my anger, however.

“I’ve been sick with myself for weeks waiting for you.  Wondering if I was mad, if I would somehow lose you.” My voice cracked and I covered my face.  “I don’t need you to question me now, Cassian. Please, don’t question me.”

His arms snaked around me and I fell into his chest.

“I choose you, forever.  I want no one else.” Sensations flooded my body at the treachery of my words.  The pain in my chest crested and opened a hole even wider than before. I hid my face in the soft, familiar leather over Cassian’s chest.

“Thank the gods,” he groaned, expelling a breath, and holding me tighter.

Eventually, he lifted me in his arms and sunk down to the stones at our feet.  I watched the glassy shine in his eyes as he spoke of the battle in the mountains, watched his lips form words and absorbed the deep, comforting timbre of his voice into my heart.

Little by little, the chasm inside me started to close, as though it was remembering this -  _ us _ .  Cassian and Nesta.

I pressed a kiss to his cheek after a time.  He paused and turned to look at me, a sweet smile of recognition pulling at his lips.  “There you are, Emissary,” he sighed, smoothing his palm over my cheek. “I’ve missed you.”

His kiss was soft and gentle, as though asking a question.  Warmth spread over my skin as I absorbed it all. Somehow, he knew how to kiss me, to fill every void that had appeared since we parted.  I had a hundred years of memories in my head, and now this one seemed the most important. This kiss, this moment.

It felt like we sat there for hours, slowly kissing our way back to where we’d left off, when things were simple and we were together.  In a way, Radeniel was behind me, with every shredded piece of my soul left in its wake. Cassian kissed my cheek and my neck with soft open lips, making my heart leap to a gallop.

He lifted us from the ground eventually, still kissing my lips and face with slow, reverent gentleness.  He stopped to leap into the air and take me back to my cold, dark rooms. I lay back on the bed and watched him undress, watched every inch of his golden skin reveal itself to me.  He lay on top of me like a warm blanket and we started to ease the pain of all the hurt between us.

Much later, as dawn light crept through the window coverings, we watched each other.  These human beds were small, and not built for Illyrian wingspans. Cassian was on his side on the edge, great wings hanging over the side uselessly.  There was a worried line between his brows as he studied my face.

“Has it been this much of a struggle the whole time?”

His words highlighted the sick, twisting feeling in my stomach.  Those conflicting desires warring with each other.

I nodded, and felt the tears well behind my eyes.

“Sweetheart,” he sighed, gathering me tightly into his strong embrace.  I tucked my head under his chin and listened to the melodic thrumming of his heart.  “It wasn’t this way for me,” he said into my hair. “I’m so sorry.”

“I think we are meant to be well-matched,” I spat, hating the words even as they tumbled over my lips.

He was silent and held me a little tighter.  We both knew it was the truth. He soothed my hateful thoughts with the gentle pressure of his fingertips down my spine.  Cassian was quiet for a long time and I watched his throat bob, as though he was warring with himself.

“What is it?” I asked.

His eyes closed for a beat longer than normal.  “It can wait.”

I pressed my hand to his chest, over the dark whorls and twists of his tattoos.  “You can tell me.”

The worry line remained between his brows as he spoke.  “I wish you had told me.”

His voice made my throat ache.  This was the one betrayal I was guilty of.  What I had done was an injustice to our relationship.  “I know.”

Cassian took my hand in his.  “Not just because I was worried, or because I’m...me.”  When he lifted his eyes they were red rimmed. “But because I shared my story with  _ you _ , all those years ago.”

I hadn’t forgotten, of course. I could never forget the look on his face when he told me we’d never be mated, when he had eased my greatest fear.  That was the night he kissed me, and the night I’d kissed him back.

I’d been living through my worst fear for the last two months, and I had denied him the truth.  

“Cassian…”

“It wasn’t this painful for me, I know that.  But, I trusted you with that part of myself. I hoped that some day, if and when you met your mate, you would feel safe enough to trust me.  To share it with me.”

Tears fell from the corners of my eyes into my pillow.  “I’m so sorry.”

He nodded, and slipped his hand into my hair, around the back of my head.  He leaned close so I could feel his breath on my lips. “I know, sweetheart.”

I sucked in a deep, shameful breath and let him pull me back into his arms. His hands were sure and gentle as they comforted me.

“The situation,” I said.  “It’s dangerous. I didn’t want to…  I was afraid…” There was nothing to be said.  I closed my eyes. “Will you forgive me?”

There was no hesitation.  “Yes. Especially if I get to carry you out of here sooner rather than later.”

“Soon,” I sighed.  “We sign the treaty tomorrow.”

We lay quietly in the peace of our forgiveness for a few moments.  Eventually, Cassian said, “Nesta, whatever is happening here isn’t over.  I need you to trust me.”

“I do.”

“It was all I could think about before we arrived. What I’d do, how hard I’d fight for you. What if you had wanted him? Would I let you go?”

A desperate terror clawed its way up my throat.  _ No.  _

His kind eyes watched me, watched the storm brewing inside me. 

“We’ve had nearly a century together already. That’s more than any mortal will ever know, perhaps even more than most fae. Couldn’t I settle with that? With the time we had and the joy we shared?”

I watched him, horror-struck. 

Cassian drew our faces together and kissed me. Slowly and with every ounce of tenderness that he possessed. His eyes were glassy when we parted. 

“No,” he whispered. “It will never be enough. I want a thousand more years.”

I covered my face with my hands and cried, tears slipping between my fingers. He gathered me to him and smoothed my hair over my head. 

When he next spoke, his voice was rough and thick near my ear.  “I won’t let you go, Nesta. I’ll fight for you until the Prince strikes me down.”

I shook my head in his arms and I heard his breathy laugh.

“You know I will.  No one else can love you the way I do.  Not even your  _ mate _ could understand my Nesta the way I do.  I won’t even entertain the idea.”

Our eyes met and he smiled, despite everything.  “You’ll fight the will of the Cauldron?” I asked.

“I’d fight anything to keep you.  I’ve done it before, I’ll do it forever.”

He reached for me as he exhaled a shaky breath.  This kiss was desperate and full of every emotion I’d seen on his face.  With his hands, he pulled our bodies flushed together, skin on skin, every part of us touching.

“I love you,” he whispered, and it sounded ground from his very soul.  “I won’t let you go.”

Our bodies curved, and pressed against one another, seeking purchase, seeking completion.  He hooked my leg over his arm and fit himself against me. I cried out as he entered me, our bodies moving in time with each other, sliding over the sheets.  This angle wasn’t deep, but with our tangled limbs and desperate kisses, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Inside my heart, the darkness subsided, the pain dimmed, and for this moment, it was just the roaring flames for Cassian that existed.  I grabbed on to them, I let the flames consume every part of me. If I would burn for anything, it would be this. This male, my one true match, and his love for me.

He released my leg and rolled on top of me, pressing deeper, so much deeper inside me.  The flames burned brighter, and consumed me, so that I called out his name and pulled him to me.  Cassian soon followed, roaring my name into the rafters. I didn’t care who heard, I would never care.  Cassian was  _ mine _ .  

A wound, once opened was soothed, and healing.  The bond we shared, invisible except to us, was stronger now and it burned brightly in my heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PHEW. What a RELIEF!
> 
> Back together at last.
> 
> I think the reunion was like the second thing I wrote, lol.
> 
> A slight reprieve from what's to come. I hope you enjoyed! See you next week!


	10. The Husband

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Perhaps it was the simple, beautiful fact of his existence. Of the sharp lines of his face and brows, the upcurve of his smiling lips. The spectacle of this male, here in my rooms, waiting for me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of togetherness is owed, I think. For friends and for lovers.
> 
> This chapter brought to you by the song _Hold_ by Vera Blue. [Enjoy it here if you wish.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3Cv6JEjevKQ)

#### The Husband

#### Cassian

Exhaustion and relief gripped me in a deep and dreamless sleep. I did not wake until Nesta’s familiar hands squeezed my shoulder. I started and braced myself for the familiar shade of my command tent and another day of battle.  Then I felt the warmth of her body near. The relief was instant and I collapsed back into the pillow.

_Nesta was safe._

She leaned over me and pressed a kiss to my cheek.  “We finalize the treaty today. I must go.”

I groaned.

Nesta kissed my temple, my ear, and the corner of my mouth. “Azriel’s room is across the hall.”

“What would I want with _him_?” I growled.  I didn’t want to think of anyone right now aside from Nesta.  I looped an arm around her and cracked open my eyes to gauge whether or not I could convince her to stay.  She was already dressed for the day in silk finery with her hair coiled tightly around her head. It was soothingly familiar, really.  

A scene out of many of our mornings together.

Working Nesta.

This was the woman who had earned Rhys’ trust.  The woman who had earned her respected position as emissary to Velaris.

This was woman who was days away from uniting our realm with the humans.

“Don't forget the banquet is tonight,” she continued, unaware of the blossoming bubble of pride in my chest.

“I’ll try not to,” I grumbled, holding her tighter.

She indulged me with a sweet slow smile and pulled my hair from my face.

“I’m glad you’re here, Cassian,” she said.  “I needed you.”

I pulled her down for a kiss.  “I love you,” I whispered over her lips.  “I’m so proud of you.”

Nesta indulged me for one last, lingering kiss.  A parting gift, and a reminder of everything we’d rediscovered last night.

I made one last attempt to drag her into the bed with one of my sluggish arms but she slipped out of my grip, laughing. The sounds of her skirts on the floor retreated out of view, then faded as the door clicked closed.

Gone but not far.

I took my time dressing for the day, hardly eager to wash away the memories of our reunion. When at last I managed to drag myself out of the room, I was not the only one in the hallway.

A lone man stood on the flagstones, dressed in the gaudy finery of a mortal who had never lifted a weapon in his life. His eyes were shadowed and dark in the light of the hallway. Deep blue sparkled under his lowered brows. This man was my wife’s mate. He seemed to vibrate with danger, like the end of a struck sword.

The source of the wrongness confirmed at last.  Prince Brynmor of Radeniel.

I bowed my head and bent at the waist. “Your royal highness. I am Cassian, General of the Night Court.”

He said nothing, merely making a low grunt of acknowledgement.

I looked up to meet his eyes. “Many thanks to your court for accepting my escort and myself late last night.

Still nothing. His hand lifted to stroke his beard. “So it _is_ you.”

“I beg your pardon, my lord?”

“The husband.”

Something inside me snapped and I bit down hard on my cheek. It was imperative that I hold myself together.  

My eyes made a quick assessment of the human man before me.  I could not deny the similarities between Nesta and the this prince.  Brynmor had a cool, judgemental air, as he stood proudly in the hallway.  The the vitriol that seemed to vibrate in the air as his words struck home reminded me of Nesta when we’d first met.

I sucked in a deep breath that was meant to be calming, and stood to my full height. Behind me, my wings unfurled, and I fluttered them slightly. Something about the sound always set mortals off. To my point, the Prince seemed to cringe as the noise echoed around us.

“Yes,” I said, enunciating each word. “I am the husband.”

Brynmor shook his head and stepped forward, as if to inspect me. I lifted my chin warily.

“I don't see it,” he said, dismissively.

“See what, exactly?” I hissed through my teeth.

“Why she continues to choose you. You’re merely some kind of demon. Inhuman.”

Vile hatred burned the back of my throat. “If you’ll recall, my wife is inhuman as well.”

The Prince huffed a laugh.

I plowed ahead.  I knew I was walking a thin, dangerous line but _damn_ this foolish human and his desire for my wife.  “I'm sure the last hundred years have nothing to do with the success of our marriage.” Then, with a winning smile, I added, “We've had a bit of time to work it out.”

The jest did not affect the prince. He blinked. “But you have no title. No land, court or fortune-”

“Now hold on!”

“ _Cassian._ ”

Azriel appeared beside us, wings raised in alarm and eyes wide and alert. “Come,” he said, gently. “Let us leave His Royal Highness to his engagements. We don't want to detain you any longer, my lord. This morning’s session has already begun.”

Brynmor sneered. “Can't control your dog?”

I hissed. “Shouldn't you be somewhere rather than prowling the hallways for my wi-”

“ _Enough._ ” This time Azriel’s hand closed tightly around my arm. “Excuse us.”

I let Az tug me away, because I knew it was right. Inside, however, molten metal spewed and burst forth like a volcano about to erupt.

_I would kill him._

“And you wonder why she didn't tell you for so long,” Azriel mumbled once we'd rounded the corner into a tower staircase.

“ _Fuck you_.”

“You can't do this!” He shouted, shoving me up against a wall. He braced his bent arm against my chest and pinned me in place.  My head thumped against the stone but he leaned closer still to hiss in my ear. His voice was as urgent and his patience was thin.  

“She's held on for months!” he said.  “Hold yourself together for mere days more, brother.”

Without another word, Azriel grabbed my arm and dragged me from the hallway, through the castle and out to the barracks.  The females were already sparring in the ring, leathery wings spread wide as one attempted to throw the other onto the sawdust-covered ground.  As I approached, Kime’a tripped Ditie with an outstretched foot. On her way down Ditie used her weight to topple the captain as well. Before hitting the ground, both females tucked, rolled and returned to their feet, with only a few specks of sawdust stuck to the sweat-damp backs of their arms.  They approached each other again.

My fingers itched with a need to block, strike, or parry.  I wanted to feel the sawdust under my fingernails. Azriel’s hand tightened on my elbow and I ripped it from his grasp.

“Let go,” I hissed, shoving him to the left with my shoulder.  “We’re out of the castle.”

“You need to get a hold over yourself,” Azriel remarked evenly, without looking at me.  “We’re too close to victory for you to turn this castle into rubble.”

I growled and marched towards the ring, leaning my shoulder into a fencepost so I could watch the current match.  The wood groaned under my weight. The females had fallen and resumed again. This time the approach was much more insistent.

Above us, a cold grey sun attempted to peek through the low, hazy clouds.  There was a distinct chill in the air, one that reeked of decaying leaves and chimney smoke.  Summer was over and autumn was fast approaching. The frost in the air tickled at the back of my senses.  Time had certainly passed since my wife and I had bade each other goodbye in the bright summer sunrise of the Night Court.

The slam of leather and skin hit the sawdust hard and showered everyone watching with a layer of dust.  Kime’a shook the pieces out of her hair and swung her leg in a wide arc from the ground, tripping Ditie and giving her enough time to get back to her feet.

I hadn’t seen Nesta since this morning, and even then, I’d hardly had my eyes open.  I could vaguely recall a grey dress in some soft fabric. I’d felt it slide between my fingers until I’d been left alone in the room.  From the yard I could see the towering spires and walls of the fortress-like castle. Paned windows sparkled in the sun as birds flew past.  She was up there somewhere, signing her name on a tall stack of parchment. Or perhaps a long scroll. I wasn’t entirely sure what humans were using these days.

At last Azriel risked stepping to my side.  “Brother,” he said, gently. My eyes shifted to his.  “She’ll be all right.”

I hissed and looked away.

Az’s eyes rolled heavenward and he crossed his arms over his chest.  “This is the happiest I’ve seen her in weeks.. Having you here has done more good than you know.”

I turned my head.

“Assuming you don’t blow everything up.”

“Oh come _on_!”

Azriel’s face wasn’t joking.  “Earlier in the hallway, you were too close to pushing the Prince into some kind of duel.  Even I could tell.”

“You know I wouldn’t,” I mumbled.

“I don’t know that, actually.”

We watched each other silently for a slow, drawn out moment.

I let out a guilty breath before I said, “You helped her when I could not.”

My change in topic had frazzled him.  He blinked and arched a brow. A subtle pink flushed under his cheeks.  “What, was I do to, ignore her?”

“That’s not what I meant. I’m grateful for you.”  I reached across the space to grip his shoulder. “I’ll always be grateful, but now I have another reason.”

He looked away.  “She’s family. We protect each other.”

“She’s a _friend_ ,” I clarified.  “You care about each other.”

At first he looked guilty, as though loving Feyre, Elain and Nesta should detract from his reputation.  Mor had been an anomaly, Amren was beyond all of us, but the Archeron sisters… Well, they were special and we all knew it.

“I made you a promise,” he clarified.  “A month ago, surrounded by tents and our people.  I’d promised you I would watch her. I would do it forever if that’s what you wanted.”

I smiled.  “I know. But, you can have a break for now, I think.”

Azriel hid his face to block his smile from view.

I squeezed his shoulder one last time before hollering, “Kime’a!”  At the sound of my voice, her back straightened, and she stood to attention.

“Commander,” she shouted.

“At ease,” I said, unfastening my sword belt and laying it on a rack beside the ring.  “Up for a spar? It’s been a long time.”

Her eyes narrowed mischievously, but she held her rigid posture.  “If I remember correctly, Commander, I flattened you last time.”

I laughed and used my foot to smooth out some of the gouges in the ground from the last match.  “Well, apparently I don’t know my place. I suppose getting thrown to the ground could be a good start.”

Her eyes shifted to Azriel who had turned away from the ring in frustration with his arms up. “Very well,” she said, fussing with the thick, leather gauntlets on her wrist.  

It ended up not being much of a fight.  She had flipped me onto my back within a minute or two, and every other attempt ended the same way.  She blocked the sun from my eyes as she leaned over me. “Again?”

“Please have mercy,” I groaned, letting her lift me to my feet.  A flash of gold caught the corner of my eye and I looked over my shoulder and smiled. Nesta was leaning against the nearest post with her arms crossed.

“Defeated by my personal guard,” she teased, raising a brow.  “I never thought I’d see the day…”

She pushed away from the fence and I closed the distance between us.  The air was hot and electric. I felt it crackling between our bodies.

“Care to try one more female?” Nesta asked.

I pulled my hair from my face.  “If you’re talking about yourself, then I’d like to do nothing more.  I’ve been waiting all day.”

Nesta’s haughty expression faltered slightly, and the game between us ended for a moment.  She took a step closer and placed her palm against my chest. “What’s wrong?”

I inclined my head to close the space and she lifted her chin to meet my eyes.  “Later,” I said. “Come on.”

She had already changed into her modified leathers.  They were dark brown, and soft with years of putting them through their paces in training.  Lacings wound their way up her sides and under her arms to her wrists. She pulled on a pair of fingerless gloves.  “You won’t hold back?” she asked, challenging me.

I grinned.  “I promise. I’ve been in battle for a month, I think you’ll find that I’m a bit worse for wear.”

“I’m sure I won’t,” she said, crouching in front of me with her fists raised.  “But you can try to convince me, I suppose.”

 

***

#### Nesta

 

Cassian and I had attended galas, parties, balls and gatherings countless times.  It hardly made the top of our list of things to do. Not together, anyway. Cassian was good at talking to strangers, he had the patience and desire for it.  I hated it, and put up with it only because it was an obligation. I loved dressing up for them, however, but Cassian preferred wearing his leathers or nothing at all.  Then there was the dancing. We both hated dancing. For us, it was merely a prelude to something later - something more _fun_.

Something more meaningful.

However, there was something in the air tonight that made this entire ball seem... _more_.

Cassian was hidden just outside the reflection of my mirror.  I craned my neck to catch a glimpse of him as he fastened the top button of his tunic. He twisted his neck and jaw as he worked the silver disk through the fabric opening. When he had finished, he caught my eye and flashed a toothy smile.  “Curious are you?”

It had been electric around us all day.  In the morning, before the sun rose, as we passed each other in the hall, in the ring, hours ago.  And now…

Perhaps it was because I’d missed him, and we were enjoying the blissful relief of being reunited.  Perhaps it was the trickery of the pain in my heart, making me feel as though this wasn’t allowed that made me want him more.

Perhaps it was the simple, beautiful fact of his existence.  Of the sharp lines of his face and brows, the upcurve of his smiling lips.  The spectacle of this male, here in my rooms, waiting for me.

His body, his skin, everything unseen under the finery covering him now. He wore a tunic of black velvet burned with the shapes of overlapping feathers, so he looked like a great ebony falcon in my rooms.

My eyes followed him as he approached from behind.  I lost his face above the frame of mirror, but saw his hands as they curved around my waist, slid up, over my ribs and squeezed my shoulders.  The dark stripe of the tattoo around his ring finger teased me from the mirror. I covered his hand with mine and caught the sparkle from my own ring.

“Is this new?” he asked tracing the sheer black fabric along the seam, where it swung in a broad arc across my back.

“It’s Feyre’s,” I answered, feeling slightly breathless.

I felt the puff of air against my skin as he chuckled. “No,” he said. “It’s yours now.”

I certainly wouldn't be giving it back to her any time soon. This dress was true fae magic.  Skin-tight, black sheer fabric encircled my wrists and arms, and stretched across my collarbones.  The skirt was full, and built of floaty layers of organza. Sparkling black stones wound their way up to my waist, where they formed branches and leaves and encircled my torso and wrists.

Cassian had lowered his head so we were watching each other in the mirror.  His stubbled cheek pressed against mine. “You seem better today.”

I took in a long, slow breath and let it out.  The breeze stung the hole in my chest but it was manageable. To keep him here, I’d endure any of it.  “I feel better today.”

His hands pressed against me, turning me in his arms. His smile was lovely, but his voice was all mischief. “Will you deign to dance with me tonight?”

“Depends what kind of dancing.”

He bit down on his bottom lip. “The kind that gets us attention.”

I wrinkled my nose. “Why?”

“Because I want everyone to see. I want _him_ to see.”

My chest burned at the mention of _him_.  I frowned. “Cassian.”

“He doubts me. He _taunts_ me, Nesta.” His expression was a fierce fury. “I willl not have my life be made into a joke. My _wife_.”

He’d moved closer, towering over me.

His mouth twitched into a smile. “That’s you.”

I couldn’t help it. I laughed.

“I’ll show you off, we’ll dance, we’ll drink…”

His arms encircled me, pulled me flush against him. I felt every bone and muscle pressed against my body.

“And then?” I asked.

Cassian lowered his head so his lips dragged across my cheek to my ear. I exhaled slowly. “Then?” He pulled my earlobe between his teeth.

“Yes.” It came out in a rush of air.  “When you drag me back to this room, as I’m sure you will.”

His chuckle danced along my neck before he leaned back. His eyes were gleaming. “Then, I’m going to make love to you.”  He lifted a hand to cup my cheek and his thumb traced over my lower lip.

“Where?” I asked absently.

“ _Where_?” He asked with raised eyebrows.  I bit on my lip but he tugged it free with his thumb.

“On the table by the door, if you wish,” he growled in answer before capturing my lips in a passionate kiss.

Azriel was the one who tore us apart, as he let himself in to escort us downstairs. His groan of disapproval was audible and Cassian lowered his head to laugh.

“Forgive me, brother.”

Azriel was already out the door. “Save it.”

The rest of the evening played out in a sort of slow motion, as though my entire focus was on Cassian, and his on me.  Inside, I felt pulled in every other direction, but with his hands on me, or his eyes on me, I couldn’t look away. He was my anchor, holding me to the ground, and to _us_.  The banquet was as celebration for my hard work, but I could have cared less.  All I wanted was my husband, and to return home.

I took the goblets of wine he offered me and kept my eyes on him as I sipped. Brynmor was nowhere to be seen, although admittedly I was not paying close attention.

Soon the wine and the charge from earlier was too much. We could both feel it. Cassian held me too close, his hands were too strong, his glances too transparent. I didn’t care to see who noticed when we escaped out of the ballroom, and made our way back upstairs.

Cassian latched the door and stumbled towards me. I backed against the paneled cabinet where Azriel and I had spent the better part of a month emptying the carafes on its surface. They all came crashing to the ground as Cassian swept his arm over the top. He lifted me up and held me in his arms. I held his face in my hands and marveled at it all. Him, his strength, and the love in his eyes.

We made quick work of his clothes, but mine were another, impossible matter. Which is why he thrust into me with miles and miles of organza ruffles blossoming around us. The cabinet hit the wall as we moved together and the glass crunched under his boots. His arms were shaking as they gripped me tightly and our voices echoed off the stone walls and ceilings. Anyone who walked by would hear. He wanted this. _I_ wanted this. The whole night had merely been a prelude to _this_.

“We belong to each other,” he growled. His voice cracked and something broke inside both of us. “I won’t let you go.”

We collapsed into bed afterwards, boneless and spent.  The effects of the wine and fatigue tugged forcefully behind my eyes.  He sprawled beside me, shirtless and still panting. I watched him drift off to sleep, unable to fight it any longer. The fog was beckoning me too, in a way that felt unnatural. The sensation felt off, and I wondered…

“Cassian,” I slurred, reaching for him. His hand was warm but immovable under mine. He was already asleep and I couldn’t keep the darkness at bay much longer.

“I will take care of this, Cassian,” I said.  “I won’t let him break us.”

Whatever had poisoned the blood in my veins consumed me and I sunk into the cavernous darkness behind my eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHELP. Stay tuned next week for the start of the last act! It's gonna be nuts!
> 
> Thanks to all of you for your lovely comments and support, especially after last week when our lovers were finally united. I'm really excited to post each week and continue to take you all on this crazy ride.
> 
> Thank you to my beta and friend NoBaggage for her wise and constructive feedback each week. <3


	11. Pain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Azriel’s hands were on me before I had fully woken. It was the first thing I was aware of, one over my mouth and the other flat on my chest, pinning me down. I’d know them anywhere. The pressure, the scarred skin. It was comforting and familiar, until the moment when my senses caught up with my brain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well...certainly none of you asked for this. BUT HERE YOU GO!

#### Pain

#### Cassian

Azriel’s hands were on me before I had fully woken.  It was the first thing I was aware of, one over my mouth and the other flat on my chest, pinning me down.  I’d know them anywhere. The pressure, the scarred skin. It was comforting and familiar, until the moment when my senses caught up with my brain.

 _Pain_.

My screams were muffled behind his hand, but not by much.

Two enormous, jagged spikes were pinning me to the mattress.  One through each wing.

I felt tears stinging at the corners of my eyes and and I clawed at Azriel’s hands imploringly.  His face was a mask of devastation. His own eyes were shining with emotion and he shook his head slowly.   “Brother,” he said gently, “You must calm yourself. Thrashing will only make it worse. We are safe for now. Be still.”

My body was vibrating with adrenaline and my fists clenched with the desire to fly, to _kill_.  I roared again, the pain cutting deep.  Azriel’s head dropped and his fingers tightened on my chest.

“Cassian,” he exhaled shakily.

The room was still dark, the curtains blocking out the dim light of morning.  I sucked in quick, shallow breaths through my nose like a wounded animal. Az caught my eye and he lifted his hand from my mouth warily.

“Be still,” he said again.  His hand braced against my shoulder.

“Nesta,” I ground out.  “Where is Nesta?” I looked to my side at her empty pillow, smashed and bloody under one of my stretched wings.  The pain splintered down my back and I bit back another cry. I could hardly remember anything from last night. Our fevered coupling and then...nothing.  A dark fog coated my memory with a sticky residue. So dark, I hadn’t even felt what had been done to me.

The horror of it.

“ _Where is she?_ ” I hissed when he failed to answer.  

Azriel’s face swirled with shadows.  They moved thick and quick across his features.  “She is missing.”

The words clanged inside my pounding head. _Missing_.

“Missing,” I repeated.  “Nesta is missing.”

Azriel had moved his attention to my wings but his hand stayed still in the center of my chest.  I gripped his wrist and held fast, pulling it into me. His touch was like a steadying anchor.

I was drawn back to a time when I’d been this for him, both of us lost and alone on the battlefield.  The sounds of the dead and dying buzzed around us, making it feel like the whole world was littered with bodies and sorrow.  I remembered how his wing had been nearly severed and I held his bloody hand between both of mine. The shadows tried to take him, but I held him to me.  

His eyes shifted back to my face.

“Help me,” I said, voice cracking under strain.  Even now I felt my lip tremble and my throat tighten.  “We need to find her.”

“I know,” he said.  “Kime’a and the others are already out looking.  The head of the council said something about a summer palace higher in the hills.  It sounds like there’s been whispers for a while that the Prince would do something like this before his ascension.”

“Like this?” I hissed between my teeth.  “Like what?”

“He drugged you both.  Any many others. Some say it was in the wine.”

My stomach rolled.

“From what it looks like, they broke into this room, took her away and…”  His eyes drifted down to my wings. Ruined again.

My breaths quickened.  Nesta was gone, far from here.  They were mates. Who knew what horrors-

“Brother,” Azriel was gripping the side of my face now.  

I nodded.

“The council said they put protections in the treaty for this.  Nesta arranged it. They expected this to happen at some point.”

My head shook.  “I don’t know what that means.”

“ _Treason_ ,” he clarified.  “This is treason. Treason is grounds for war.  Rhys is coming.”

Rhys. An army of darkness and my men with them.  We would destroy them.

Az released me and sat back.  “Madja is coming too. I dare not remove these until the healer does.”

Even nodding was excruciating.

Azriel still looked far more stricken than I had seen in a long time. “We will find her,” he said, voice thrumming with conviction.

I looked around the room, grasping for any clue, perhaps a note that she had left behind.  Nesta had said something about this, not just the treaty, but something else.

“What is it?”

“ _I will take care of this, Cassian_ .”  She’d said.   _“I won’t let him break us._ ”

“Cassian?”

My chest hitched painfully and I shut my eyes tight.  “She’s going to accept it. To pacify him. Perhaps he would have done worse if she hadn’t.”  I lifted a hand and covered my mouth as my stomach roiled and turned over again.

“We’ll find her,” Az said again.  “We _will_ find her and we will end this.”

His hand shot out to still me before the door exploded off its hinges and into the nearest wall.  The room darkened into night, like a coal-black mist had exploded through the open door. A breeze of citrus thrust into the room, it smelled like home - like Velaris.

 _Rhys_.

My pain was zapped away from me and I whimpered in relief.  He stood at the foot of the bed, his eyes smouldering, _furious_.  “I brought the healer,” he said.  His voice was a contradiction. Soothing, yet full of fear and remorse.  Rhys loathed to see any of the Inner Circle in distress.

“Took you long enough,” I groaned.

His smile tugged up in one corner.  “Is it just your wings?”

I laughed.  “ _Just_?”

Rhys scowled.

“I think so.”

Mor was with him and she rushed to stand beside Azriel.  “Shit,” she hissed. “What the fuck is this?”

“Are you hurt?” Az asked quickly, sweeping his assessing eyes over her tall body in less than an instant.

Her golden hair swayed around her shoulders as she shook her head.  “I knew nothing. Cass I’m sorry. I would have been here...”

She took one of my hands and sunk down onto the edge of the bed.  I squeezed tight.

The healer came in through the door as Azriel left to speak with Rhys. The tiny, old female had become an all too familiar, but very welcome face over the last six-hundred years.  “I thought I told you to stay away from spikes,”Madja rasped, putting her hands on her hips.

A box of herbs, various bags and bandages materialized all around me over the covers.  I tried to smile, and failed. “Occupational hazard.”

Her hands on me were gentle, and Rhys was still holding that place in my mind where I could feel pain.  Even still, I looked away from her handiwork on my wing and stared instead at Mor. Her eyes were wide.

“Rhys said they took Nesta.”

I nodded.

“Do you think she…?”

Again, I nodded.

She hung her head and squeezed my hand harder.

“Is Ab here?”

“I think so.  Probably organizing the troops, why?”

Already my brain was calculating, planning, organizing my men and our people in the right place.  “If I make it out of here with the ability to fly - even without - I can’t infiltrate _anything_ let alone a fortress.  Rhys has to lead the charge.  I need Ab to go get her and bring her to me.”

Mor nodded.  “Of course. One of us will, Cassian.  I promise.” Her eyes tightened. “The Prince won’t hurt her, you know he won’t.”  

At that moment the healer hefted the first spike out of the mattress and my wing.  I cried out.

Rhys appeared at my side, next to Mor.  “This is worse than I imagined. She should have left this place months ago.”

Azriel made a grunt of disagreement and we all turned to watch him.

“She organized all of this. This was a failsafe she put into place.  The treaty _will_ be cemented if we can remove Brynmor from his throne.  Are you all blind? We will have the treaty after this. We will have achieved what no one ever has.”

“But at what _cost_?” Rhys hissed.

“Don’t play a fool, Rhysand.  How long did it take Nesta to adopt our culture as her own, our _people_ ?  Sure she was wed to Cassian, but those roots run deep.  She has sacrificed _everything_ to get to this point for our people.  For Prythian. Don’t short change her by bringing up the _cost_.”

My chest hitched.   _Nesta_.

Rhys said nothing, instead he looked to me.

“What would you have us do?” he asked.

“We fight.”  Without hesitation.  “She knows what she’s doing.  When our people find Nesta, we go, and we obliterate his forces.  Radeniel will stand on its own with a new ruler more fit to run this place.”

Madja had finished with my right wing, and shooed my family aside to get to the left.  “You’ve got some sort of poison in your blood, boy,” she grumbled. “Someone drugged you.”

I ignored her and watched my family  gather at the foot of my bed. Abarron appeared over Azriel’s shoulder.

“Father,” he said, eyes widening at the sight of me.

Rhys turned.

“They found her.  The counsellor was right.  She’s locked in the summer palace, south from here.  It will be half a day’s flight for the troops unless-”

“No,” Rhys shook his head.  “We’ll winnow everyone in. There’s no time to waste.”

Madja cleared her throat.  “With all due respect, High Lord.”

We all watched her.

“I can achieve miracles, surely, but I need at least a night for this.”

 _An entire day gone._  My blood hummed under my skin.

Abarron was watching me as he spoke again.  “Shall I go to her now?”

I wanted to say yes for so many reasons.  Because my girl needed us, and _now_ .  Because Abarron was one of her closest allies and friends.  Because I was ripped apart inside not knowing where she was.  I closed my eyes and reigned it in, all of it. I knew that whatever was in my heart was _nothing_ compared to what Nesta had dealt with for the last two months.  I knew that Nesta and Abarron would be defenseless without an army at their backs.  I also knew that she could hold her own until I got to her.

“No,” I said at last.  Abarron watched me carefully.  “You will go, soon. But not until our forces are in place to start the battle and protect you.

Rhy’s eyes softened and his shoulders relaxed.  “Cassian is right.” He reached across and gripped his son’s shoulder.  “You’ll be ready to go?”

Ab nodded.  “Of course.”

“Get some rest,” Rhys said to me, as everyone turned to go.  The healer’s hands were softer on me now, I hadn’t even noticed the second spike’s removal.  Goddamn Rhys.

Abarron was the last to leave, his blue eyes glinting in the low light of the room.   Still so young, with more power than any of us knew, yet his heart was kind and noble, like his father.  I knew this was hard for him too. “I’ll find her, Uncle. I won’t let either of you down.”

I offered him the best smile I could manage, perhaps the first and last smile I would offer anyone today.  His eyes lightened at the sight of it. “I know you won’t.”

He turned to leave and I watched his tall dark frame disappear through the door.  The healer’s fingers were gentle on the brittle skin of my wing as she put me back together.

_My darling, I’m coming for you._

***

#### Nesta

 

I awoke surrounded by the frilly skirts of my own dress and my body aching from sleeping on the hard ground.  The inside of my head felt like floss, fuzzy and vague. My mouth was dry and sour, stomach swimming in the wine consumed the night before.  Memories floated back like dust on the breeze. The banquet, my husband and his fine clothes, the dancing and the music... I felt a flush creep up the back of my neck as I remembered what had happened afterwards in our rooms; the mess left on the floor.

But…

The chill of the room around me finally registered.  Why was I on the ground? The grime from the floor stuck to my skin.  This wasn’t my room. This wasn’t even Radaniel. I sat up and nearly gagged at the smell in the room.  Like filth and rot.

There was a snarl behind me, and a clawed fist pulled at my hair.

“She wakes I see,” something hissed close to my ear.

I screamed as it tugged me to my feet by my hair, then ripped me around so I faced my captor.

An Attor; bat-like and massive next to me.  Its breath smelled like rotting meat, teeth yellowed and decaying.  “Our sovereign awaits.”

“What…” I had no choice but to follow, as it dragged me over the floor and away from my room.  It was a cell. _A cell_.  Where in the Mother was I?

The walk was agony, up from the dungeons, through the lower levels until at last we arrived in a throne room.  I thought my hair would be ripped from my head when the creature released me. I fell in a tangle at the foot of the throne, gasping for air and swiping tears from my eyes.  This throne room was smaller and less grand than the palace at Radeniel, but the white and black tiles were the same. I remembered the icy feel of them on my palms from the day we arrived.  I’d been anchoring myself to them then, now I wanted to push away. I lifted my head to glare at the man on the throne before me.

Brynmor, dressed impeccably, as usual.  He leaned over one of his knees to sneer at me from above.

“There she is, my darling mate.”

I sucked in an unfortunate breath.

“Oh, you hoped I didn’t know?  You assume too much, my dear.” He gestured with his hand for me to stand.  “Rise. We need to speak, you and I.”

My hands curled into fist.  “Speaking to you is the last thing we need to do,” I hissed, spitting at his feet.  “Where have you brought me?”

He clucked his tongue.  “Now now. Be mindful of what you say.  I fear your husband has not fared as well you.  Pray I don’t inflict more damage.”

 _Cassian_.  I swallowed the bile that rose in my throat and clawed at his silken trousers until I could pull myself from the ground and snarl in his face.  “What have you done to him!”

 Brynmor shoved me off and I fell backwards, hard onto the tile floor.  My tailbone barked in protest. “Calm yourself,” he leered. “Your dog will live, but he won’t be flying to rescue you, I’d imagine.”

My heart, already in pieces in my chest, thumped painfully. _His wings._

“If you’re done being hysterical, we have much to discuss.”  He stood lightly from his throne and held out a hand. I wanted to snap at it, and tear his fingers off with my teeth but I remembered the Attor; that vile species of monster that I thought had been extinguished - that we _all_ thought had been extinguished.  

What other horrors haunted this place?

I swallowed bile.  My throat burned and my skin itched.  Reluctantly, I took his hand and he pulled me towards him with a rough jerk of his arm.  

“Where are we?” I asked again, calmer this time.

His eyes raked over me as he said, “This is my summer palace.  A little late for it now, I’m afraid.” He took a step towards the other end of the room and tugged me along.  “However, it suits our needs for the moment, even if the servants didn’t have time to turn it out for us.”

_Vile, pompous being._

“Now,” he mused, looking over at me and eyeing my appearance.  “Ah yes. My mate. Curious how I knew?”

I remained silent.

“I assume you’ve met my Attor?”

I grit my teeth.  “Unfortunately.”

“My family has been sheltering a great number of Hybern’s monsters here since the end of the war.  Well, my grandmother knew nothing of it, of course. But my father did, and my uncle. You’ll find the number of demons has increased since your kind last checked.  They are enjoying not being hunted for once.”

“That won’t last long,” I said through my teeth.

“Easy now, I’m not finished.”  He tucked my arm through his elbow and squeezed it painfully against his rib cage.  “I built a relationship with them, you see. Those dark monsters have a history greater than even _you_ can comprehend, young as you are.”

Young as I was; one hundred years older than this fool.

“They told me about the Cauldron, and the sisters dropped inside.  Made from magic and ether, carrying powers unknown. One sister, I heard, controlled the Cauldron itself.”

My toes curled inside my shoes.  Surely he didn’t think that…

“You’ve been keeping it hidden so far, but I can feel it in you, I know it’s there.”

I bit down hard on my tongue.  What if I had said something, what if I’d hinted that I had no power?  What would have happened?

 _What if he demanded proof_?

“I knew I wanted it.   _Needed_ it.  Needed you.  But how? So the creatures told me of a great holder of secrets, a being so elusive and so mythical, that no human had ever caught one.”

Surely not…

“I sent my army to go capture this monster.  The Suriel.”

“But my sister-”

“You think I’m an idiot?” he spat.  “Your continent’s suriel has been dead for a century.  A horrible gossip, I’ve heard.”

I thought of my sister and the connection she’d shared with the beast.  How it had led her to her beloved. How it had saved all of us, and at the end of everything, she’d left it a beautiful cloak as a gift…

Then I remembered she’d snared it three times.  Alone. With no one watching. I bit back a smirk, but I let the smugness simmer quietly in my gut.  He had needed an _army_ …

“There is one on each continent until they are slaughtered. Suriels can’t swim, you see.  Anyway, my men snared the thing and dragged it back to me, right to this room. What a surprise to learn from it, that I wasn’t merely destined for power, but that you were my _mate_.”

The dragon purred in my chest, coiling ever-tighter around my heart.

“I wrote to your precious High Lord the next day, and here we are.  So you see, my lovely, you are meant to be mine. Fight it as you will, you can’t hold out forever, and I intend to end that battle now.”

My heart fell through the floor.

 _Now_.

There was a crash as the Attor thundered down from the rafters above and cracked the floor behind me.  It reached for my wrists and held them tightly between it’s clawed fingers. I screamed and pulled against it, helplessly out-matched by the hideous thing.

Another demon, some ghoul or wraith wheeled out a ridiculously gaudy cart laden with food and refreshment.  It sneered at me as the cart came to rest at my feet.

 _No no no no._  

Not yet.

I screamed helplessly and cried out like I’d been stabbed in the heart.  Perhaps I had been.

“Please!” I cried out.

But I knew this was what I’d planned for.  My cries were real but my insides steeled over.  This had been my plan all along. We had built the treaty for this purpose.  I knew my family would find me, I knew my family would rescue me. I remembered my sister’s bravery when she’d made this sacrifice too.  I could still hear her cries in my head as Hybern had taken her from her husband.

Whether or not my marriage could be saved, I’d never know, but it meant Cassian would stay safe.

Brynmor stepped close beside me, his lips in my ear.  “It’s a little late for breakfast, but I’m quite famished, actually.  I’ve been told this custom cements the bond, and I’d like you to do it now.”

Tears still streamed down my face, apologies flitting through my head.  To Cassian. Only to him.

_Please forgive me.  Please love me._

_I’m so sorry_.

“Prepare something for me.”

The Attor moved my wrists for me, but I followed along, grabbing a pastry from a laden tray and placing it on a plate.  My other hand took the porcelain in hand and passed it to the Prince.

“Now say it,” he said, glaring at me.

“Say _what_?” I spat back.

The Attor bent my free arm behind my back and I screamed.

“Say you accept the bond,” Brynmor hissed.

With those words, at long last, after the months of conflict, the agony of battling my own desires, the pain dissipated.  The dragon inside me was finally content. It unfurled itself from my heart and stretched out languidly between my ribs.

It was done.  I had lost, and yet I had won.  It was the end, for many things.

My family would come, and we would end this.

End _him_.

“My lord,” I said, hating each word as it fell off my lips.  “I accept our bond.” The attor thrust my hand towards the Prince, the pastry nearly falling from the plate.

Brynmor consumed the flakey pastry in four bites.  When he swallowed the last, I felt that thread burn and solidify in my chest.  Our bond, the thing I had feared most in my immortal life, was real and concrete.  It shone gold and brilliant inside me, burning away the dragon and the pieces of my heart.

He took my hand and pressed it to his lips.  Everything was stronger now. The attraction, the desire.  The warring truths beat against my chest until I feared it might burst.  I felt terror above anything.

I _knew_ what was meant to come next.  I remembered Amren teasing me about it all those years ago.  

 _Mate_.

How would my treacherous heart behave when he led me to his bedroom to….   

“How wonderful,” he drawled.  I jumped at the sound of his voice.  Then, “Take my beloved back to her cell.  I won’t have her running away to our enemy when they arrive at our gates.”

Relief flooded my veins like warm honey, and it was then that I knew all was not lost.

Only Cassian could love me this way.

No one understood me the way he did.

And he wouldn’t entertain the idea of anyone trying...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *screaming* I'M SORRY!!!
> 
> Things start to get better next week. We have arrived at the final act, everyone! Please hold on to your butts.
> 
> (Cassian will be ok, I promise)
> 
> I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of your support and continued readership through this fic. I know this is some REAL SHIT, but I wanted to go deep, dark this time. I appreciate you all giving me the room to try!
> 
> Thank you to my friend and prereader NoBaggage who had to read through this chapter without warning, lol. I'm sorry too.


	12. Fiendfire

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I turned instead to goad my nephew, when a gleam on his back caught my eye.  
> “You’re using two swords now?” I teased. “That seems a little superfluous, even for you.”  
> Ab eyed me with a sly grin. “Look again, Uncle.”  
> He tilted his wings so his back faced me and I could see the blade in full. The flickering sunlight through the clouds hit the delicate silver filigree of the weapon. Snakes seemed to slither up the scabbard to the hilt and my stomach dropped.  
> Fiendfire.  
> Nesta’s blade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a fun one, guys. No sarcasm, just all the characters we love kickin' ass.

####  Fiendfire

####  Cassian

 

The Great Hall was empty as I paced back and forth from the massive oak doors to the delicately colored leaded glass windows in the back.  It was early, and hardly anyone was awake, let alone out and about. My wings stung in the damp air of the massive, stone room. They were newly whole and restored, and slathered in some foul, herbal salve.  They glimmered in the dim dawn light and reeked of peppermint and oils. The scent burned my nostrils, but I would not complain.

I was healed, and soon we would leave to find Nesta.

The previous day had been agony.  Mostly because I was confined to bed.  If I had moved around, much less stood up, I would ruin the Madja’s work and delay Nesta’s retrieval even longer.  Mor had kept me company while the others roamed about, orchestrating the details for today’s attack. She had sat, quietly by my bedside, reading a book.  With each turn of the page, she eyed me sternly, daring me to get up.

I knew all too well what she’d do to me if I disobeyed.  

My friend excused herself when the healer had finally returned to pass her judgement.  She didn’t bother telling me not to fly - she knew that I would. She merely thrust a pot of salve into my hands and said “Get someone to put this on your wings as often as you can, and I’d better not see you tomorrow.”

Azriel had helped me with the application soon after, and when he left to try and get some sleep, I made my way down here to pace away the rest of the night.

While I paced, I focused on forging some bridge between my mind and Nesta’s.  I tried to find some thread of our ‘bond’ that I could rely on to pass a message.

Unsurprisingly, there was nothing.  Only our trust, which I valued even more.

She was strong.  She was brilliant.  She  _ would _ survive this.

Would I?   _ Could _ I?

I was blindingly aware of what accepting a mating bond entailed.  Could her hatred for the human survive whatever magic bound them together?  Was everything we had come to terms with over the last few days now lost?

_ Would she still want me _ ?

My anguished groan echoed through the room.  These thoughts would lead me nowhere, I needed to do something else.  

I unfurled my wings and stretched them slightly.  This room was wide enough to prevent any damage, at least.  I contemplated lifting off the flagstones and trying to bear some weight, but even a twenty-foot ceiling was too small to do any actual flying.  I wasn’t looking for any additional broken bones from an embarrassing fall from the rafters.

“I thought I might find you here.”

My wings snapped and drew back.  I’d been so wrapped up in my thoughts I hadn’t even noticed my nephew’s approach.  He stood in the darkness, leaning like his father, in an archway.

“There was no way I could sleep,” I mumbled, and continued pacing.  

“Same,” Abarron sighed.  He watched me do a few more laps before joining me.  My gaits were longer than his, but he kept up.

“Shall we go over the plan again?  I don’t know if that will help…”

I shot him a grateful smile.  “I won’t insult you by going over it again.  I know you’re prepared, but we can talk about something else.  How is your lady-love?”

Abarron pursed his lips and I saw his skin darken high on his cheeks. “Must we?”

Despite a day of misery, I felt the all-too-familiar urge to stir the pot.  “Not technically, but I can be pretty annoying when I set my mind to it.”

Perhaps it was because he pitied me, or maybe my threat actually meant something to him.  Either way, he expelled a long breath and ran his fingers through his hair. “My lady-love is fine.  She’s... _ here _ actually.”

“She  _ isn’t _ .”

Ab glared at me.

“A front line, soldier.  I’m impressed. So who is it? Nirya? Ditie? Ganel?”

“Will you cut it out?”

“ _ Varda _ ?”

At the sound of her name, Ab paused, and bit his lower lip.  Bingo.

“I watched her spar the other day.  She got the better of Kime’a a few times.”

He nodded.  “She told me.”

I arched a brow suggestively and he rolled his eyes.

“My  _ father _ is here, Cassian.  I can’t go inviting her into my room while she’s on duty.  I’m not an idiot.”

“Even Rhysie is asleep after midnight,” I goaded, wagging my eyebrows.

Ab groaned and turned away, but not before hissing through his teeth, “ _ I know! _ ”

“Alright, alright,” I sighed, raising my hands in surrender.  “I’ll stop. But she missed you?”

He let out a slow sigh, and the tension fell from his shoulders.  “We missed each other.” His pale eyes caught a sliver of dawn light as he smiled.  “Is that enough for you? Can we move on? Because today is about Nesta and bringing her home.”

Stupid, precious boy.

“Yes.  Too right it is.”

“So why don’t we go over the plan  _ one _ more time.”

Rhys found us not long after, when the sun had finally peeked over the surrounding hills and filled the hall with light. He didn’t appear surprised to see us, but he did seem pleased to see me out of bed and with intact wings.  

My high lord was already dressed in his battle leathers, and I could sense the tension in him.  We were all rearing to go.

“We’ll meet the troops and Azriel outside.  Are you ready?”

We followed him wordlessly to the door.

“Wait!”

I turned to watch an elderly human male waving to us from across the hall.  “Wait, please! A moment of your time, my lords.”

He bowed his head when he neared.  “Honorable High Lord, Prince and General.  I am the head counsellor of Radeniel and have worked closely with Lady Nesta these past months.”

At the mention of her name, adrenaline burst through my veins.  Every second counted...

“I won’t insult you by offering an apology for the monster we must call our sovereign.  But I will tell you that your emissary is brilliant.”

_ Brilliant. _

“Whatever hardships you must face today, I pray that you are victorious.”  His eyes shifted to me. “Your wife has perhaps saved our kingdom from ruin.  Despite all, you will have friends in Radeniel for many years to come.”

The counselor reached out his hand, and I clasped it without hesitation.  

“If you visit us again, you will all be welcome here.  We thank you.”

There was little left to be said, but as we parted, and I nodded my head.  This man had been a friend to Nesta and an ally. Without his partnership, I didn’t dare think of where we’d be.

Azirel was waiting for us in the yard with the rest of the soldiers, divided into three formations.  Mor and Ab disappeared into the lines of leather and wings to their respective groups. Nearly two hundred soldiers in all.  

Above us, the watery sunlight was hidden under layers of low fog.  Day, at last.

“On my signal,” Rhys shouted, even though it was quiet enough to whisper.  “We attack from the air, be alert.”

We disappeared as a unit into a wave of inky blackness, until suddenly we were above the clouds.

Rhys released us all into the sky like we’d been tossed into water.  Wings opened and caught the updraft in one, thunderous roar. Rhys led the charge, and Azriel, myself and Abarron flanked his sides.  Below us, the rolling hills of Radeniel rippled like a sea. A small gray castle loomed in the distance.

Azriel was silent to my left.  As with every battle, he was deep in his own mind, surrounded by shadows and doubt.  I turned instead to goad my nephew, when a gleam on his back caught my eye.

“You’re using two swords now?” I teased.  “That seems a little superfluous, even for you.”

Ab eyed me with a sly grin.  “Look again, Uncle.”

He tilted his wings so his back faced me and I could see the blade in full.  The flickering sunlight through the clouds hit the delicate silver filigree of the weapon.  Snakes seemed to slither up the scabbard to the hilt and my stomach dropped.

_ Fiendfire _ .

Nesta’s blade.

“How did you....?”

Ab righted himself.  “Mother found it for me.”

“ _ Feyre _ went through our things?”

He rolled his eyes.  “Just the armory, although I’d remind you she  _ could _ go through your things at any moment.  She is your High Lady, lest you forget.”

I snickered, even as my heart was hammering in my chest. “Oh, she’d never let me.”

Ab blinked at me from across the air between us.  Below the castle grew nearer and nearer. Time was short.  “I’ve been preparing for this moment since we played stones at camp, Cassian,” he said, fiercely.  “I’ll find her, and we’ll battle our way to you.”

Pride pinched the back of my throat and I nodded.  “Be safe,” I said instead, pounding my fist to my chest.

Ab flashed me a cheeky grin.  “As ever!” he called, cheerfully, before disappearing into black smoke.

 

####  ***

####  Nesta

 

It was stupid for me to bait the creatures in my cell.  They were larger and stronger than I was, and probably laced with all sorts of dark magic abilities.

Still, when I spat the insult, the Attor and its guards shoved me into a corner.

“What did you say?” it growled near my ear.

“I said, do you like being under a sovereign’s boot?  That surely explains why you’re at the butt of every plan in history and not at the forefront.”

The creature let out a pathetic roar and twisted my face away with his spindly fingers.  “We almost ended your sister once. We could end you too.”

“I’d like to see you try-” I sneered, before the beast crowded my body and pressed me further into the corner of the cell.

Its rancid breath was beating against my face when the guards dropped to the ground like limp sacks of flour.  Their helmets and swords scattered across the flagstone floor with loud cracks and bangs. I didn’t dare take my eyes off the evil, slit eyes of my captor, but I knew what had happened.  Their brains were mush, their blood was boiled. I prayed with every cell of my being that it was Rhysand behind the door.

The Attor whirled away from me and hissed, spittle flying in a wide arc across the room.  Its claws cut into my arm.

“What is this-”

Then it froze, its eyes bulged and it opened his mouth to cry out.  The Attor did not move or struggle in any other way, until it too fell to the ground in a pile of dead flesh.  With my captors out of the way, the cell was silent. My heart hammered in my ears as I kicked the attor’s limp wing away from my feet. It reeked even from here.  

I heard the lock from the door snap on the inside, the noise so loud in the empty room it rang in my ears.  My heart rose higher and higher up my throat. I was certain it was Rhysand, or someone from home here to rescue me.  Perhaps even Cassian would be with them. Yet, this place was crawling with monsters and evil, thrumming with dark magic. It could easily be another monster disobeying orders.  I backed up against the wall and pressed my hands against the plaster. If I begged hard enough, perhaps it would swallow me up, and hide me from whatever evil lurked outside.

Ever so slowly - even gently - the door opened.  A dark-skinned hand gripped the edge of the door, then another, until a mop of black hair and pale blue eyes met mine.

“Ab,” I breathed, knees finally giving out.  I fell to the floor with a thud.

He slid into the room silently, pressed the door closed and sprinted to my side.  “Nesta,” he murmured, reaching for my hand, and squeezing. “Are you hurt? Are you all right?”

My whole body was shaking and I covered my face with one hand.

“Shhh,” he whispered.  “Don’t cry. I’ve left us a clear route out, I just need to get you up.  Can you walk?”

I nodded and pulled my hand away from my eyes.  “ _ How _ ?  How are you here, Abarron?”  I gripped the nearest strap across his chest.  He was dressed for battle, two brilliant Illyrian blades strapped to his back.

His cunning eyes roved over my body and limbs, checking for breaks and broken skin, He refused to let go of my hand.  “Azriel found Cassian and got word to us before you were gone for more than a few hours. He told us about the pieces you added to the treaty, to protect from this.  Without you...who knows what would have happened.”

I could hear the sounds of battle through the tiny, slotted window.

“Our forces and allies are all here, outside.  The battle has started, and they’re waiting for you.  If you’re able.”

“And Cassian?”

He broke the pin on the shackle around my ankle and smoothed his free hand over the bruised skin.  “A little rough around the edges, but the healer had him patched up in no time. Although, he’s just about mad with worry over you.”

Of course he was.  And how I would disappoint him...

Ab reached for the second sword at his back, unclasped it, and placed it gently on the ground.  It was  _ Fiendfire _ , my blade.  My fingers itched to take it, to strike the monsters down with it, and to claim back some semblance of myself.  I didn’t have the words to thank my nephew for this thoughtfulness. 

“Are you sure you’re strong enough?  Ready to fight?”

“Yes,” I nodded, clearing my throat.  “Will we fight together?”

He squeezed my hand once more then released it.  “Not this time. Cassian has already laid claim. I’ll stay with Father.”  Ab eyed me quietly before he added, “There’s one last thing. Don’t make it weird, okay?”

I blinked at him.  He snapped his fingers and my ripped and filthy ballgown was replaced with my Illyrian battle leathers.  Polished, gleaming and fierce, just as I had left them back home. I smiled up at my nephew. “Remind me that I owe you something very, very expensive when we return to Valeris.”

He laughed and helped me to my feet.  “Save it for my uncles. It was all them.  I just was lucky enough to come rescue you.”

Abarron quickly fastened my scabbard to my back, then lead me through the door and back out into the hallway.  It was mostly deserted, aside from the limp bodies hidden in doorways as we passed.

“By the mother, Ab.  Did you kill all of them?”

We had paused behind a corner and were crouched, listening for footsteps.  “Father’s orders, Nes. This is a serious situation. A break in the treaty with The Night Court isn’t something to take lightly.”

The reminder made my stomach roil and surge.  I crossed my arm over my chest. For a precious hour, I’d forgotten what I had done.  And what I had to do now.

His hand touched my shoulder.  “If what Uncle said was true then...I’m sorry.  You’re very brave.”

His pale eyes were shrouded by pinched, dark brows.  I pressed my lips in a grim smile. “It will resolve itself,” I whispered.  “I just need to see Cassian.”

“We will. In a moment.  We’re almost to the gate.”

We started down the passageway again, through the now-empty armory and training ring and through an iron gate leading to the courtyards.  I could hear the sounds now; wingbeats, shouting, and the clang of weapons. The sounds of war, and of Illyrians winning.

I reacted instinctively when I heard the metal hiss of Abarron’s blade and unsheathed my own.  A crowd of picts had approached and we positioned ourselves back to back, swords at the ready. I reached for my dagger with my other hand and held them in position.  The motion was simple, I could do it in my sleep at this point. Picts attacked like angry sparrows, overwhelming your senses until you were outnumbered and immobile. We slayed them easily, our Illyrian steel cutting through flesh and bone like knives through butter. 

We found Rhys soon after and took out the two attors haunting his blind spots.  He magicked the pile of bodies away with an invisible wind and reached for us both.  He wrapped me in a tight hug. “Nesta,” he breathed, pulling back and holding me at arm’s length.

“High Lord,” I greeted in return.  “I see the cavalry has arrived?”

His violet irises sparkled.  “You know me.” He gave me a cursory glance.  “You’re unhurt?”

“In a manner of speaking.”

Rhys’ head bowed between us and his hair fell over his forehead. “Nesta, I can’t adequately express my gratitude for what you’ve done for us.”

I snorted.  “Started a war?”

He was smiling when he lifted his head.  “United realms. Sacrificed your heart for our court.  For me.”

_ My heart _ .

“For all of us,” I clarified.  “I’ll expect a boatload of gold and diamonds in acknowledgement.”

“Whatever you want, Emissary.  Send me the bill,” Rhys said. “Now, let’s find our general for you.”

Whatever mind-to-mind shout he was about to do was unnecessary.  My husband’s feet landed hard behind me with the familiar sound I’d carried with me for almost a century.  I turned and all but fell into his arms as he gathered me to him. 

“Thank the Mother,” he said into my hair as he lifted me off the ground.  

I wrapped my legs around his waist and and inhaled the deep, heady scent of his skin.  This male. This person. My husband. I wanted to entwine myself around him and never let go.

Cassian pulled back enough to clasp my face between his battle-stained hands.  “I saw you fight off the picts with Ab from the air. I feared you’d be crippled or...I don’t know what.”  He pulled me into his arms again and pressed his his face against my ratty hair. “You were brilliant. You’re always brilliant.  I didn’t realize how much I missed seeing you fight.”

He raised his head again and his eyes were full of sorrow.  I pressed my fingers to his cheek. “Nesta, I’m sorry,” he said.  “I know what this means. What you did...”

I shook my head. What’s done was done.  There was nothing to stop the consequences of the bond now, except the inevitable end.  For now, it was just Cassian and I, like always. “There’s only you,” I said in answer. My voice cracked and I swallowed away the painful threat of tears.  “You and me, Cassian.”

He watched me closely.  “Yes,” he said voice husky and deep.  

We held on for another moment before the sounds of battle met our ears once more.  Cassian cleared his throat. “Will you fight with me? Are you up for it?”

I nodded.  “Always.”

This was hardly the time for it, but he kissed me all the same.  His wild and desperate abandon was contagious, and I felt the fire light inside my heart.  Our lips parted slowly, hesitantly, but I could see the smile in his eyes when we pulled away.

This whole brutal episode was almost over, I knew it.

“Ready?”

I glanced over my shoulder where Ab and his father had been keeping the threats at bay while we embraced.  Ab’s wings were out. “See you at the victory feast?” I shouted. Abarron saluted and I stepped into Cassian’s arms.

It didn't take one hundred years for anyone to realize I would never be as powerful as Cassian. However, a century fighting side by side had made us a force to be reckoned with. Where Cassian barrelled through forces and armies like a boulder, I struck low and quick in the gaps he left behind. Like a stinger barb, striking to take the kill. 

Like a viper, snapping ankles and dangling limbs.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost there! Time for justice! The gang's all back together and won't be torn apart any time soon.
> 
> Thank you for all of your support last week. I know it was hard, but I appreciate all of your lust for drama, lol.
> 
> Chapter count still stands. We're getting close! See you next week!


	13. The Thread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _We found him surrounded by his personal guard; a collection of fearsome creatures from around the realm. They flanked him symmetrically, like the were holding court. Cassian laughed darkly at my side._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've made it you guys.
> 
> Here we go!

####  The Thread

####  Cassian

 

In the midst of battle, the only time to speak is during transit.  As Nesta and I flew from one skirmish to the next, we spoke in rushed, breathless sentences.

“Your wings,” she said, curling her fingers around the collar of my breastplate.

“Healed,” I said grimly, not eager to elaborate.

“I’m sorry.”

I reared my head back to catch her eye.  “Why? We were both dead to the world.”

She eyed the mayhem below.  “What happened to you - all of  _ this _ \- is because of me.”

My arms tightened around her.  “Let’s blame the Cauldron, for once, sweetheart,” I muttered.  “I don’t think anyone has done  _ more _ to remedy a horrible situation.”

She looked unconvinced so I kissed her dirt-smeared cheek.  Reluctantly, she smiled.

The relief roaring through my veins was practically enough to collapse me in a tangled, Illyrian heap on the dusty ground far below.

Nesta was safe.  She was whole.

Well...

In a manner of speaking, she was whole.  As whole as she could be, given the sacrifice she had made.

It was selfish of me to wonder what had happened, and I hated myself for it.  My insides had been tying themselves in knots since I woke, pinned to the mattress a mere day ago.  I knew she  _ intended _ to accept the bond if necessary, but  _ would _ she?  What did that mean?  How far would she have to go?

Even to my trained eye, Nesta’s face never betrayed much.  A century together and I could hardly tell when she was keeping a secret.  I hoped beyond hope that she had not been harmed, touched or forced against her will.

Other than having to accepting the bond, that was.

But the way she had looked at me?  The way she had kissed me?

I wasn’t sure how the bond would affect us after she had accepted.  I knew enough to know that the odds were not stacked in my favor. Most mated pairs remained locked at the hip, side-by-side for all eternity.  

There had been pain behind Nesta’s eyes - immeasurable pain and shame - but she had embraced me with a strength I hadn’t expected.  Kissed me with a ferocity I wasn’t prepared for.

She was relieved to see me, and  _ that _ I would celebrate until the end of my days.

The battlefield below us was already littered with corpses. Mounds of scales, fur and dark, leathery flesh stretched to the walls of the palace.  Our forces were winning, that much was clear, but what nature of creatures had risen to meet us?

It was as though we were fighting Hybern or Amarantha again.  Had all of these monsters really be hiding out here for the last hundred years?

I steered us downwards, back towards the fray.  A group of wraiths was winding its way towards Azriel.  Nesta had her sword ready before we hit the ground.

Fighting was like it always was between us, with my weapon making the first strike and hers taking the final blow.  I slashed one wraith down the middle, and she slipped behind to slice the ankles out from under it. The creature fell to the ground, maimed and bloodless.

She pressed her back to mine as three more wraiths came at us.  We took turns stabbing, rotating and slashing until it was just Nesta and I, surrounded by slain creatures.  This time goblins came at us from another direction, crawling over bodies like rocks on the ground. They were dead in moments and then she was back in my arms ready to leap into the sky.

“What is it?” she asked, watching my face as I took us higher, out of range of arrows.

“These creatures,” I growled and shook my head.  “I’m terrified to think how many there may be scattered around the world.  I was foolish to think that we were done.”

Nesta leaned close to press her face into my neck.  “Silly General,” she teased. “Haven’t you learned by now that our work will never be done?”

Something gripped me then, as I reared back to watch her.  The casual smile, that was probably genuine, but masking her pain.  The skirmish we’d just won. My wife’s ease and skill on the battlefield.  I don’t know if it was gratitude or relief, but perhaps both. I was half-inclined to keep on flying, as long as it took to get her out of here - to get us home.  Brynmor would die, surely. But we would be safe and away from all of it. Together.

“Cassian?”

I blinked away the vision before my eyes, of Velaris and Nesta in my bed.  Of  _ before _ .  She watched me carefully, smeared with dirt and blood, hair wild around her face.  I tightened my arms and squeezed her to me. “I want to be done with this,” I said.

Some light left her eyes but she nodded, and squeezed me back.  “I know,” she said. “Soon.”

“I hate to interrupt,” I heard from my left.  Rhys and Abarron coasted into view. Ab had a cut under his eye and Rhysand’s hair was wildly out of place.  “There happens to be a battle on, in case you haven’t noticed.”

“Oh really?” I boomed, across the space between  us.

Rhys scowled.  “I appreciate what you both have gone through, but I don’t think avoidance is necessarily the  _ best _ strategy here.”

I wanted to snarl and snap, but he was right.  Damn him.

I lifted my hand in a rude gesture, then turned sharply towards the ground.  Nesta hooted at the change in altitude.

Something caught my eye as I dropped.  Gold, untouched armor. 

Brynmor.

Everything was coming at us too quickly.  The ground, Brynmore, the decision my wife was about to face.  I’d take her anywhere if she asked, even away from this. 

“Did you mean what you said?” I asked Nesta over the roar of the wind.

“About what?”

“About ending this soon?”

Her body froze in my arms as she followed my glance down below.  She sucked in a deep breath. “Yes.” Then, as though she needed to hear it again, she shouted, “Yes!”

She was out of my arms and prowling towards him the moment my feet hit the ground.

I prayed to the Mother, the Cauldron, to Rhys and everything I held dear.  Please let her escape all of this unscathed. Please protect her heart from the pain she is about to endure.

_ Please. _

  
  


####  ***

####  Nesta

 

We found him surrounded by his personal guard; a collection of fearsome creatures from around the realm.  They flanked him symmetrically, like the were holding court. Cassian laughed darkly at my side. It was an inexperienced move, dripping with showmanship and no actual prowess.  

“Well, well well,” Brynmor drawled.  The demons rustled the wings and claws at his side.  “I should have known you’d be the cause of all of this.”

He was talking to Cassian.

“Come, darling,” The prince drawled, eying me with aloof fondness.

Cassian hissed, but I pressed my hand to his arm.  “No, I don’t think so,” I said, calmly.

Brynmor laughed.  “Don’t you?” I felt a pin in my heart, that weak, flimsy thread that held us together.  It urged me to stand at his side, to turn against my family and everything I held dear.

“You’ve committed treason, my Lord.”

He laughed, cold and heartless.  “I’ve been told. How on earth did you slide that one by?  I suppose it was the council? Yes, they never really stopped being loyal to my grandmother. Weak fools.”

The pain intensified, like the thread would rip my heart from my chest.  I grit my teeth.

“You  _ will _ come here,” he hissed.  “I know your  _ beloved _ wouldn't want any harm to come to you.”

“Go fuck yourself,” Cassian ground out.

“No thank you.”

Then, in less than a heartbeat, every creature at his side collapsed in a mist of blood and flailing limbs.  They fell to the ground and withered away into nothing. Heavy flaps of two pairs of wings boomed overhead as they swooped low, and back into the sky.

Abarron and Rhysand.

Brynmor’s eyes widened and he took a step backwards, hitting the castle wall.  He tugged at the collar of his armor. “You fight unfairly.”

“You broke a  _ treaty, _ you poisonous snake! You ambush us with evil magic from our own land!” Cassian bellowed.  “You think you deserve better?”

“I think I deserve  _ her _ .”

Cassian growled under his breath and we both braced for battle. “No one  _ deserves _ her.  Not even me, but if you feel that way, come and claim her.”

He didn’t, of course. The Prince cowered and remained backed against the wall as we watched each other. The panic finally shone through his eyes, all confidence lost. He looked down at the blade in his hands, practically unused and still shining new.  Just like him.

I stepped forward. 

“Me, then.”

Brynmor’s eyes narrowed.

“ _ Fight me _ !” I screamed.  He startled and collapsed to the ground. 

I prowled closer.  “You  _ drugged _ us, you locked me away from my husband, held me captive, tormented me in chains, yet you refuse to fight for what you want?” My words roused the dragon from its peaceful sleep in the pit of my stomach.  “You forced me against my will. You took  _ everything _ from me, and you expect me to spare you?”

He stumbled to his feet with flailing limbs, his cape wavering uselessly at his back.  “You’d let your husband stand by while you fight a sovereign?” he asked as he fumbled for his own sword..

Cassian laughed, darkly.  “It’s no favor, highness. Prepare to meet your end.”

My husband’s words struck home and the smile faded from Brynmor’s face.  He had nowhere to go as I moved closer, until we were an arm’s length away.  Without hesitation, I swung my leg and kicked him across the face, knocking him to the ground.  His sword clattered away from him.

I bent down to clasp the sleeve of the Prince’s chainmail tunic, and yanked him back to his feet.  Before he could steady himself I used all my strength to slam him backwards into the wall. Rubble crumbled from above. “You hardly paid attention during our months of negotiations, but even you must realize the punishment for treason is death,” I said.

He let out a pathetic whimper and my hand tightened on his sleeve.

“You felt you had the power to leer at me, and to follow me around like some lustful demon.”

“The  _ right _ maybe,” he groaned.  “Mate.”

I shoved him backwards again so his head smacked the stones.  “Nothing gives you the  _ right _ to force someone - a  _ woman _ \- to do your bidding.”

“But the Suriel,” he said, finally sounding dazed. “It said it was my destiny.”

I couldn’t help but laugh.  “Yes, The Suriel. You’ll be surprised to know that you’ve made another fatal mistake, my lord.” I leaned forward so my lips ghosted over the shell of his ear.  He shuddered away from my touch.

“I have no powers.”

I watched his eyes shift back to me.

“The Cauldron used me, and set me free and I was left with nothing.”

“What…”

“All this was for  _ nothing _ ,” I said.  “You would have had nothing.  No power. Only me. A vile, hateful, powerless fae mate.  Bound to you for eternity.”

I threw him onto the ground and pinned him there with my boot.  “My family would have destroyed themselves to bring me back. You would never have had me for long and I never would have loved you.”

“Nesta please.”  He pawed at my ankle uselessly.

I unsheathed  _ Fiendfire _ and gripped the hilt tightly. “Now, no one will.”

The moment had come and I was at last able to end all of this.  Pinned, helpless under my hold, I could finally break the bond for good.

This useless, horrid magic that I had feared for the last hundred years was just as horrifying as I had always imagined.  There had been no love, no fantasy, no shelter as I had heard so often from my sister. This pathetic human partner was nothing more than a cowardly monster.  I hated him with all my heart, and now he would die for all that he had done to me.

Whether or not I would survive what came next was still a mystery.  I glanced up at Cassian for the briefest moment, and that was all it took.  Brynmore twisted under my foot and grabbed for his sword. I was knocked off balance and stumbled backwards as he rolled to his feet and took a swing at my husband.

In a blink of an eye, Brynmor’s sword hit a shield of blinding, red light and shattered into a thousand pieces.  My ears rang at the sound.

Cassian used his syphon shield to shove the prince backwards where he fell back at my feet. “Cowardly prick,” he spat at the prince.

I lifted my arm and pointed my sword at Brynmor’s heart.  Any fundamental hesitation had vanished. All that remained was the magic bond, pulled so tight, I feared it would rip me apart.

I felt Cassian at my side.  My familiar unyielding barrier of safety and warmth.  My husband, my partner. A century together had led us here.  His massive frame shadowed me and the man at my feet. Cassian beheld the scene before him, hands steady and sure on his blade as it dropped into the scabbard at his back.

Piercing hazel eyes followed the tip of my quivering sword to my trembling fingers, and met my pleading gaze.  “Cassian,” I begged. For what? I didn’t know. For him to take me away from here, wipe my memory and make me forget.  Erase this decision from the inside of my ruined heart.

He dropped his head to my shoulder, and I felt the briefest press of his lips.  “You have to choose,” he said at my ear. For once, the deep rumble of his voice did not offer me comfort.  “Nesta, only you can choose this.”

“I can’t,” I cried, fear tightening on my throat like a fist.  “Cassian, I…”

“You have to,” he replied.  “He’s your mate.” His voice was hard and empty.  He drew away from me, taking away all the warmth and succor he had brought with him. 

I was alone, like before, with no one making choices but me.  I thought of the misery I’d endured, all of the pain and the self-loathing.  I thought of the harm that had come to my family and my realm. Everything I held dear. I wanted it to end, for good.

I thought about my sister and the pain she felt when Rhys was ripped from her. 

I wondered what it meant that I felt the opposite. How was I to deny myself the one being who had been my partner for a hundred years? Cassian’s life was my life. Our joy was shared. 

The pain would never end. One way or another, I had to choose. 

Invisible shackles held my wrists in place. Ancient magic kept my body prisoner, refusing to let me strike. Tears of frustration filled my eyes but I could not wipe them away. 

I looked down at the face below me, drawn tight with fear and anger, smeared with blood and filth.  He offered nothing to me now, only darkness and betrayal. His eyes cut through everything, straight to my heart, and as I made my decision, I watched them widen.  Shackles released and he opened his mouth to scream as I lifted the sword above my head. Every particle in my body cried out as I brought the sword down hard and fast.  It cut through flesh and life itself, until there was nothing left but the barren wasteland of my heart.

It was done.

I fell to my knees in the growing pool of blood and wept.

The pain was unlike anything I’d ever endured, even after months of a gaping, invisible wound to my heart.  This was like my entire soul was being splintered apart. The thread we had shared, ever so briefly, was ripping its way through my insides and I wanted it to stop.

In mere moments, it became so intense, I couldn’t hold back my screams.

Cassian was with me in an instant, lifting me into his arms and holding me desperately to his chest.  I clung to him, pleading to the Cauldron that he could take the pain away.

But he couldn’t.  No one could.

I heard more wing beats and footsteps.  A hand on my back.

“Is she all right?” Azriel.

More voices, more wings.  Still the pain blazed inside.

Abarron was here.  “I’ll take you back right now,” he said.  Without pause, I felt the cool fingers of night encase us, and in another heartbeat we were back in Velaris.  The sounds the smells...all barrelled into me with such relief I moaned into Cassian’s chest. Had it only been a heartbeat away this whole time?

“You’re safe, sweetheart.  It’s alright,” he breathed against my temple.  “Everyone else…?” He was talking to Abaron now.

“Father will close the negotiations.  They’ll be back in a day or so. I’ll bring the healer to you next.”

My husband’s voice was weary.  “Thank you I… Thank you.”

“Take a room upstairs, please.  She’ll be safe here. I’ll be back in a moment.”

My nephew’s hand squeezed my arm before he vanished.  Cassian’s grip tightened around me and I clutched him with all of my remaining strength.

I don’t remember being put to bed after that.  Only finding peace amidst the pain, until I drifted quickly into an exhausted slumber.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Posting this one was a struggle. Hard chapter to write. Hard chapter to edit.
> 
> Ready to get on to the finale next week :)
> 
> Thank you all for enduring this bloody ordeal. We're all safe now.
> 
> Thanks to NoBaggage for prereading my chapter, as always <3


	14. The Tapestry of Life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _In the garden, surrounded by overgrown plants and flowers, my husband resembled the fairy tale paintings my sisters and I used to dream about when we were young. Golden skin, gem-like eyes, long dark hair. He was cut from stone, painted with broad strokes. Here he was watching me like I was the only thing that mattered._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are! The end! (Minus the epilogue)
> 
> Some sweetness and resolution ahead. Please enjoy.

####  The Tapestry of Life

####  Cassian

When I’d entered the room earlier, Nuri had been reading to Nesta in bed.  She’d had him tucked to her side and she was watching his tiny fingers point out the words and pictures on the pages. Eventually, his voice grew softer and softer until they had both fallen asleep.

I gazed at them, collapsed back into the pillows.  Between them, the book lay open to the last page. It was an Illyrian fable; Nuri’s favorite.

Nesta had been in and out of sleep for the last three days.  The healer had come and gone, left teas and incense and a few sad-eyed pats to my hand.

We talked through the daylight hours, but there was a dark, all-consuming weariness behind Nesta’s eyes that I wished so desperately would fade.  Sometimes she would look at me with a blank, wide stare and I knew that she was replaying that horrible scene again. She was blinded by the horror of what she had done. 

I would lift my hand and press it flat to her heaving chest where I knew the angry, raw pain was hemorrhaging inside her. 

When I thought hard enough, I could still feel the pain of my mate too; anchored and buried deep, deep inside where it was almost forgotten. That distant feeling of longing and emptiness that only deep, dark magic could bring. 

The others visited off and on.  Feyre and Ab, mostly. Azriel knew better than anyone that space was often the most helpful, although he was the first to stop in when everyone returned from Radeniel. 

Nuri’s presence was a brief intermission from the darkness that plagued Nesta - plagued  _ us _ .

He appeared once a day, with this book full of fables and his wild, golden hair.  Sometimes Feyre would retrieve him before he overstayed his welcome. Other times, it was Rhys.

“Oof,” I heard from the doorway.

The majestic High Lord of Night moved quickly to the bed and smiled apologetically as he leaned over to gather his drooling, dozing son from Nesta’s side. 

“I’m sorry about this.  You should have called for me, I would have come to get him.”

I chuckled from my chair at Nesta’s bedside.  “Look at them. I’d hardly say he’s doing any harm.”

Rhys was smiling as he lifted the child into his arms.  Nuri’s head lolled over his father’s shoulder. “How’s she doing?” he asked, quietly.

“She’s exhausted.  Quiet. Unhurt though, thank the mother.” I looked up at my friend beside me.  “Thanks for letting us stay here for a few days. It’s much easier for Madja to get in and out, without having to walk the House stairs.”

Rhys didn't respond as he chewed on the corner of his mouth.  “I’ve been thinking,” he said. “When you’re ready, why don’t you and Nesta take the cabin?  Get out of here for a while.”

I lowered my brows.  “This isn’t the kind of hurt that can be whisked away by a romantic weekend, Rhys.”

He unconsciously smoothed his hand down his son’s back.  “I’m not talking about a weekend, Cass. I’m talking about a month away -  _ more _ if you want.  Be somewhere together and heal.  We can survive without you.”

I snorted, good naturedly.  “ _ Sure _ .”

“Cass.”

“I know, I know.”

Rhys’ voice was soft as he said, “Over the past couple of months both of you have put our court first.  I can’t fully express my gratitude for that. The battle...the treaty.” His eyes were silver-rimmed for a moment, and he leaned his head into the back of his son’s hair.  He blinked and the tears were gone. “Mother knows you deserve an opportunity to be together and to rest.”

Nesta stirred from the bed and I watched her long limbs shift under the covers.  Her face was troubled, brows drawn tightly together. The pain haunted her even in sleep.  I pressed my weathered hands to my face and hid in the darkness for a moment.

“Most of it is guilt,” Rhys offered.  “She has to come to terms with what she did for us, for  _ you _ , and for your life together.  Maybe some time away will help her come to peace with all of that.”

“Maybe,” I mumbled into my palms.  Rhys was right, of course.

I felt him step closer.  His free hand pressed into my shoulder and he leaned down, with all his weight.  “Brother,” he said, gently, “Think about it. Your happiness, and that of my sister mean more to me than any matters of state.  Do this for yourself, and for Nesta.”

I nodded.

“Just tell me where you want to go, and I’ll arrange everything.”  Rhys squeezed my shoulder tightly.

I nodded and he quietly slipped out of the room.

The commotion seemed to draw Nesta out of her dream, and her eyes found mine at once.  “What is it?”

“Nothing, just waiting for you.”  I lifted the abandoned storybook from the covers, closed it, and placed it on the bedside table before climbing into bed next to her. 

Nesta curled herself into the crook of my arm like a docile cat, and pressed her hand over my heart.  “You can leave, if you want. You don’t have to stay here all day.”

I snorted a laugh.  “Ah, yes. You know what I’ve really been after?  A little space.”

She giggled at the silliness of her own suggestion.  “I just meant that I won’t fall to pieces if you’re not here when I wake.”

I held her a little tighter.  That was a wager I wasn’t willing to make right now.  “Rhys was just here,” I said instead, fiddling with the lacy sleeve of her nightgown. 

“Oh?” She yawned. “And does his excellency want to send you off on another mission?”

“No.  He offered us an extended leave of absence.  To be together, alone. To heal.”

Nesta raised her eyebrows in surprise.  “He wouldn’t mind?” 

“Of course not.”

Her lips curled into a sly smile.  “If given the chance, I feel like we could be away for a very,  _ very _ long time.”

I returned her grin.  “Is that so? Lucky me.”

I kissed her then, wrapped up in the addictive smell of her sleep-warm skin.  Nesta sighed over my lips and kissed me back as she twisted her fingers into my hair.  Gradually, thoughts of distant romantic destinations slipped from my mind and I focused on the feel of her in my arms.

Whole.

Safe.

Untethered.

Still, the haunting possibilities of what  _ could _ have been clanged inside my head.  We’d been apart for two months, she’d been imprisoned for another two days, and yet it felt like an age had passed - another hundred years.

I broke the kiss to gaze down at her.  How long had it been since I’d really  _ looked _ at her and seen more than just the tired circles under her eyes, or the pained wrinkles between her brows.

I took in the ice chip blue of her eyes and the bow curve of her upper lip.  The smooth edge of her hairline across her temple and the brilliant gold of her hair.

“What is it?” she asked, watching me expectantly.

“You’re so beautiful,” I said, without thinking.  

Nesta smiled and drew a finger down my cheek and under my chin.  “I find myself looking, too,” she said. I could see the tiny flicks of her eyes as she moved them across my face in return.  “I was afraid I’d never see you again.”

“You didn’t think I’d desert you in that cell, did you?” I asked, twisting a lock of her hair around my finger.  “I’d have ripped apart the world to get you.”

“It didn’t keep me from worrying.”  Her eyes darted nervously to the covers.  “Cassian,” she said. “Going away, leaving home…  Is this so you can keep an eye on me? To make sure I’m not going to pull away again.  From you...from everyone-”

“Stop,” I said, sternly.  “Don’t be ridiculous.”

She chewed nervously on her lip.

I took a deep breath before saying, “You are allowed to feel whatever you feel right now.  I won’t stop you.” Nesta seemed to relax a little. “Won’t it be nice to be away? Alone? Without others lurking around wondering if you’re alright?”

Nesta curled her lip. “I  _ hate _ that.”

I chuckled.  “I  _ know _ .  And Rhys knows it too.”  Leaning close, I added, “Look, we’ve hardly taken time for ourselves in one hundred years.  Since the first night we spent together. If we asked, Rhys would give it to us anyway, but he’s offering.  A gift for our future.”

Her face smoothed out and she traced her fingers up my arm.  “Cassian, that reminds me.”

I raised an eyebrow curiously.

“Before we parted, you asked me about a family.”

Admittedly, I had completely forgotten about that.

Her eyes met mine in a frightened, determined gaze.  “I’ve been thinking about it… I think I’m ready” She sucked in a quick breath.  “I think we should start a family.”

A tempest of emotions circled through my head.   _ A family. _  I pulled our hands to my lips and pressed a slow kiss to her knuckles.  “Is now the best time? Nesta, I don’t want you to mask the pain with-”

“I’m not doing that,” she said.  “I had decided before all of this happened.  While I watched the you fly away from me that morning.”  Her eyes filled with tears. “I want to have a family with you.  I’m ready.”

My throat tightened.  I wanted to accept it with all my heart, but something tugged me back.  “You were hesitant for so long. Why now?”

“After everything that happened in Radeniel, after all that I endured, it made it so much clearer for me.  I know myself now. I saw who I used to be in Brynmor. I saw the woman I might have become and I  _ hated _ her.  I know now that I’m different, that I’m stronger.”  Her lip trembled as she pressed her fingers to my jaw and chin.  “I needed you to help me grow, and now I know that I’m ready for what’s next.  I want to make you a father. I want it more than I want anything.”

I couldn’t mask the short breath that fell out of me.  “Nesta....” The fact that she had to go through  _ that _ to feel ready nearly broke me in half.

“Don’t cry,” she said, laughing through her own tears.  “Cassian…”

I lifted my damp eyes.

“I love you,” she said, reaching forward to kiss me.  “I’m ready.”

Our kiss tasted of tears as we entwined ourselves in the covers.  Heat spread its way from my lips through my body, over my skin and under.  Nesta’s hands fisted my shirt as she pulled me closer. The feeling I’d grown to associate as  _ our _ bond burned brightly in my chest and I began to hope for the future again.  All my dreams of lazy days spent in bed, sparring under the sun, and some day...a family.

I wasn’t sure how long had passed before I remembered the door was open and we weren’t in our own room.  Nesta seemed to realize it too and we untangled our limbs and feet from the covers. She smiled sheepishly up at me.

I hummed over her lips and smiled wickedly.  “Looks like we’ll have something else to occupy us on our time away. Wherever we go, it had better be far from Velaris.”

Nesta goaned.  “I don’t want to go to that horrid cabin.  I feel like all anyone does there is have sex.”

“That’s not true.”

She rolled her eyes.  “It’s  _ mostly _ true.”

“We can go anywhere,” I chuckled.  “Anywhere you want.”

“I know a place.” Azriel’s voice slipped quietly into the room like a wisp of smoke.  He was haunting the doorway, peering in cautiously. We both waved him in.

Azriel moved to the foot of the bed and rested his hands on the footboard.  “How are you?” he asked, eyeing Nesta carefully.

She smiled at him.  “Doing better, thank you.”

His eyes shifted to me and we communicated without words.  

_ Better?   _

_ Better. _

“What place is this you speak of?” I prodded, raising a brow.

“I’ve been writing to Elain,” Az said quietly.  “She’s coming to visit, and I thought you might like to stay at her manor in the Day Court.”

Nesta’s eyebrows rose slowly.  “Elain is coming to visit?”

Azriel’s lips twisted.  “I thought it was about time she return the favor.”  He shared a secret smile with Nesta. “And I want to talk to her.”  

Then, without warning or fanfare, Azriel winked his fucking eye.

My lip curled in distaste.  “What in Cauldron’s name was that?  Did you just  _ wink _ at her?”

Nesta bit down on her lip to hide her smile.

“You’re winking at each other now?”

“Don’t be jealous,” she teased.

I puffed out my cheeks in a slow exhale.  “It’s a new world, I see. My best friend and my wife, conspiring.”

Azriel laughed and spread one wing fast enough to clap me in the back of the head.  My hair flew in all directions. “Do you want the manor or not?” he said, drawing his wing back before I could blink.

I looked to Nesta, who was waiting for me.  “What do you think?”

“Yes,” she said softly.  “That would be perfect.”

 

***

####  Nesta

 

In the garden, surrounded by overgrown plants and flowers, my husband resembled the fairy tale paintings my sisters and I used to dream about when we were young.  Golden skin, gem-like eyes, long dark hair. He was cut from stone, painted with broad strokes. Here he was watching me like I was the only thing that mattered.

And he was right.  The two of us, our lives in Prythian - they were the only things that mattered.

The part of me that I left behind long ago would not have agreed. The part of me that had been matched with my horrible mate would have been wrong, for her whole life.

I knew I would always be angry at whomever the Cauldron matched me with.  I would always resent the lack of choice and the assumption. The experience had lived up to my worst fears, but now it was over.

Things were better than they had been when I’d first woken in the Velaris townhouse.  The pain had subsided for the most part. It was no longer the raw, open wound inside my chest, but a dull throb. There was a darkness inside of me that no amount of time could take away.  Not yet. In time, perhaps, but I had chosen to end a man’s life. A man, however horrible, who was tied to my very soul. In a way it felt like I was missing a piece. A horrid, unwanted piece.

Now wasn’t the time to think about that, however.  There had been had plenty to distract myself with, since we’d left Velaris.  Cassian had been right; we’d hardly ever taken time for ourselves like this.

My husband and I were surrounded by warm sunlight, green leaves, and gently bubbling fountains.  I felt his finger hook under the strap of my thin dress and tug. The strap fell over my shoulder, then the other, until the garment pooled at my feet.  The sensation was a slow, drawn out torture. 

It wasn’t what I wanted.  Not today. 

I wanted skin and fire and passion.  

The heat of the Day Court was practically more than I could bear, and we’d been wandering around the gardens in hardly anything since we’d arrived at my sister’s manor.  Even Cassian was only wearing somewhat of a sarong around his trim waist.

It fell to the ground now, revealing all of him.  Every glorious inch of him.

We’d been making love throughout the garden for days now, and this casual shedding of clothing wasn’t anything unusual.  We’d made use of the tiled wading pool yesterday, and the back garden wall, covered in moss. The meadow, the swing...

Elain promised no one would bother us here, and we chose to trust her.  Although caring much about people finding us in flagrante delicto was not generally what we were known for.

Frankly, stopping the fertility draught had been something of an inspiration to both of us.  That paired with the horrific memories of the last two months and coming back together after all that had happened…  Well, it was much better than dealing with...everything else.

Rhys had been right.  We needed this.

I lay myself back on a polished stone table under the heavy-limbed tree.  Broad green leaves shaded us from the sunlight and flickered slightly in the breeze.  I watched Cassian take me in, watched his broad wings as they fanned out to shelter us from the dappled sunlight.

“You will always be the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” he said, spreading his palm across my stomach and pushing upwards until it was between my breasts, over my heart.

“Speak for yourself,” I teased, so painfully aroused I was growing impatient and grumpy.  Cassian always seemed to take things slow at times like these - when all I wanted was for him to let loose and fuck me like the animal I knew he was deep inside. Despite his self-proclaimed prowess and over six-hundred years of experience, Cassian was gentle as a lamb in bed.

He stepped close, between my legs.  I felt him press against me, just left of center, and I growled like the animal I knew _ I _ was.

He cocked a brow.  “Can I at least take a moment, Emissary?” he teased.

I growled again.  “No.”

“ _ No _ ?”

“Are you deaf now?”

Now his eyes narrowed. “You’re awfully grumpy are you feeling...pregnant, by any chance?”

Now it was my turn to scowl.  “You can’t tell when your four days pregnant, you idiot.”

He shrugged.  “Just checking.”

“But if that’s what it takes to,” I arched my back, “ _ inspire  _ you,” then by all means, assume that I am.

Cassian frowned.  “Nesta...”

“What happened to the  _ fire _ Cassian?”

He leaned down so we were nose to nose.  “What happened was, you were almost taken from me.  And you may not realize, but all the pain you’re feeling is written all over your face.”

I sucked in a shaky breath.  Only Cassian could see anyone like this.  “So for the rest of our lives you’ll handle me like I’m made of glass?”

“No,” he said, smiling.  He pressed a kiss to my nose.  “Maybe just for the next hundred years so so.”

He’d managed to scare the darkness away for the time being, and I growled and writhed under him. “Fine, but will you just…”

“What?”  He watched me with a shit-eating grin spreading across his face.

I felt hot all over, flushed and sweaty.  The humidity was getting to be unbearable.  And yet, he mocked me.

“You know what I want.”

He stepped closer, and he slid against me.  I whimpered. “I want you to tell me, Nesta.”

My eyes fluttered open to meet his as he hunched over me.  He’d closed his hands around my wrists and held them over my head.

“Go on.”

I lifted myself up to kiss him, a move he didn’t seem to be expecting, but happily accepted.  His lips were damp from sweat and I tasted the salt on my tongue. His stubble was coarse and scratchy on my chin.  

“I want,” I panted, when I relaxed back onto the table.  “You, Cassian. I want you to make love to me under this tree, and draw it out until we both might die from it.”

My answer must have been satisfactory, for he did as I asked and slid inside me, slowly.

It was hard to talk now, but I wasn’t done yet.  “I want you to think about every moment we’ve been together up until now.  Even when I thought I hated you and we made each other crazy.”

Cassian laughed softly.

“I want you to think about the last hundred years and our life together.  Battles and missions. Days spend in bed together. A lifetime.”

He shuddered against me and dropped his head to my shoulder.  His hair was drenched in sweat and it felt cool on my skin. His hips moved slowly, rocking both of us.

“I want you to think about every moment that exists for us in the future.  Every victory, every sunrise, and our bodies as they span lifetimes.”

Cassian kissed me with blistering intensity and with a dawning understanding, I realized he’d kissed me the same way for one hundred years. Ironclad certainty shot through my veins and filled my head with dreams of the future. Of our family, of little black-haired children with tiny wings. I saw - I  _ felt _ \- all of it in the tapestry of our life. The decisions I had made, including the one to end Brynmor’s life, had brought me here. 

I knew somehow that The Mother would bless us. After the pain and torture my heart had been through, we would be rewarded with this: a life together, and a child.

That afternoon turned into more lazy afternoons. Then lazy nights and lazy weeks, until a month has gone by.  We took two more weeks then returned to Velaris. Our time away had started to heal what had been broken, and we found our way back to each other to come to peace with all that had passed.

As I crossed the threshold of the townhouse, I saw the faces of our friends and family. I knew they knew, somehow. Perhaps they could smell it.  Perhaps they assumed that after six weeks, we’d return with someone else in tow.

We had no way of knowing if it was that afternoon under the mosaic of light and shade. It could have been any moment after that too, but I wanted to think it was that afternoon. 

The afternoon that I became pregnant. The afternoon our life was truly complete. 

Until she was born, anyway. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sigh. I want to go on vacation with an Illyrian. 
> 
> Here marks the end of regular chapters of this story. I don't think I've _ever_ written a story with this much angst or conflict, and dang if i didn't really enjoy it, haha. It's been a great exercise in challenging my writing and storytelling. I wanted to finish this before any more books in the ACOTAR universe were released and I'm so glad I was able to! Perhaps not the happily ever after everyone was expecting, but a lot more interesting (to me) than whatever appears to be going on in the cannon universe at the moment.
> 
> To all the readers that have been following along while I've been posting live, THANK YOU! It has been a delight to read your comments and share this experience with you. To all the readers who may come later, thank you too!
> 
> Special and loving thank you to my friend NoBaggage for her continuous support of my writing. She has preread/beta'd almost everything I've ever written. I'm so lucky to call her my friend. <3
> 
> This is not the end or goodbye, yet! I'd like to try and finish the epilogue for next week, but I'm not totally sure. Will try! <3<3<3


	15. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Our daughter, Larin arrived in this world more Illyrian than fae, much to my excitement._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've got a surprise for all of youuuuuu...

####  Epilogue

####  Cassian

Our daughter, Larin arrived in this world more Illyrian than fae, much to my excitement.  There was hardly a lick of Nesta in her tiny face, aside from the worrying way she hardly ever cried those first few days.

She was almost thirteen now, but I could still recall every detail of the day she was born.  She had tiny, leathery wings, olive skin and a full head of inky black hair. As she grew, her eyes turned hazel, just like mine.  She was every bit as much of a warrior as I, hard-headed, known to cause trouble and she had a knack for breaking things. She was also thoughtful and kind, sweet and measured, when she needed to be.  It didn’t take long to see that her future lay in diplomacy, much like her mother.

Her cousin was born six months earlier, and the two girls, both of Illyrian design, grew up as close as sisters.  They separated only to sleep at night, and sometimes not even then. Rhys and Feyre named their daughter Dina, and where Ab and Nuri had certainly not been saints, they did appear something like angels once Dina had grown old enough to cause trouble.

Maybe that was my fault.  I wasn’t a High Lord, after all.  Nesta and I probably let the girls get away with a little more than Ab and Nuri were allowed in their youths.

Either way, there was plenty of mayhem to be had.  By the time Larin decided she wanted to work with her eldest cousin and uncle in the Night Court, Dina had decided to join the forces with me.  I knew that Nesta was overwhelmingly proud to see her daughter, however wild and mischievous, stand quietly at her side during missions and meetings.  By the time she turned thirteen, she was accompanying Abarron to the Court of Nightmares twice a week.

At home, our daughter was quick witted and sharp-tongued.  I expected nothing less. There were quiet times too, however, times when I was reminded that she was more like me than I realized.

For as long as she could keep herself afloat on the breeze, Larin and I flew before bedtime.  Rather than stories or songs, we stretched our wings and coasted in comfortable silences. We’d marvel at the city below and count the blessings we’d been given.  A home, a family, and peace. As her wings grew longer and stronger, our flight paths would morph and change. Sometimes we’d climb to the mountains and coast back home on the updraft from the cliffs.  Other times we would float over the forest and try to spot the creatures below in the moonlight. Most nights, she wanted to chase the sunset, and I’d indulge her until the sun had set too far to remain a target and she’d flutter, exhausted into my arms.  After a wide, arcing turn, I’d fly towards the sparkling lights of Velaris, small and bright like tiny pricks of faerie light in the distance.

As my daughter slept in my arms, I’d memorize the weight of her.  She was tall like a string bean now, with legs and arms growing like vines.  If I turned away for a moment, I swear she’d be an inch taller. I remembered when she was small enough to sleep in the crook of my elbow, when I could count the beats of her heart against my skin.

In all my life, I had never imagined that something as precious as this child would fit into my life.  After all, I was Cassian, Lord of Bloodshed. I was wild and destructive. I was banned from two courts, going on three.  I demolished enemies with my blades and my armies. 

After five-hundred years I had given up hope, hardly even entertained the idea.  

And now?  

My daughter was as brave and beautiful as her mother, and I knew I’d be working to deserve them for the rest of my life.  My wife and I had flirted with disaster time and time again. We’d met monsters and wars, had arguments and played with fire.  

But  _ this _ ?

I would never ask for anything again in all my life.

  
  


####  ***

####  Nesta

I remember when Larin used to braid flowers together into a crown.  She’d flutter up to the tree in the courtyard and string the pale pink blossoms until they encircled her dark hair.  Each blossom stood out against the inky black curls atop her head. As we went about our days, in the evenings, I would find her atop her father’s shoulders, wilted crown still on her head.  The droopy petals would fall and scatter themselves in my husband’s hair.

When Cassian smiled, I saw everything that had led us to this point in our lives; the love, the battles, the triumphs.  I wouldn’t change a thing.

There were still many years until our daughter reached maturity and ventured out on her own, but she was growing now; tall like a weed with long, elegant strides as she walked.

Most afternoons, I’d lean against the barrier of the training ring, and watch Larin and her father spar.  She’d grown fast and strong in the last few years, and I could see the spark of pride in Cassian’s eyes as he watched her.  They circled with their bodies bent low and their wings held out behind them. They prowled around each other in the ring until one would strike and they’d end up on the ground in a pile.

In these moments, and countless others, I thought my heart might burst with happiness.  Our life was full and complete. Only in these moments did I remember the true depth of the darkness that lurked far, far beneath.  I had hidden it well, pushed it down, down, down until it could not hurt me. I felt the emptiness still. That hole in my heart where the vicious dragon had nearly won and I’d almost lost my husband forever.

In the darkness behind my closed eyes, I could see the last spark of life leave Brynmor’s face, see the growing pool of blood around my boots.  By the time Larin called for me, and I opened my eyes, it was gone. A retreating pain, as the happiness filled its temporary void.

Cassian would notice it every now and then - that darkness he’d seen in my eyes the moment he joined me in Radeniel.  Most of the time, he would smile and wait for it to vanish, take my hand, or kiss my cheek as he passed. Some nights, he would reach for me in the darkness of our room, press his body to mine and remind me of everything we could have lost.

As our bodies merged, I would lose myself in the heat of his skin and the intensity of his eyes.  In these moments he focused entirely on my pleasure, my happiness, my completeness. 

Those were the only times I let myself think of what happened that summer.  We carried on with our lives stronger and closer than ever before. With Larin between us, whatever destiny we shared was cemented into our very souls.  

As she grew from a baby, to a little girl and now to a young woman, I watched the lines of her face morph and change.  Once I thought she held nothing of me. On long, awful days when she cried for hours and hours, I thought it was a curse.  Now, as she reached the edge of maturity, I saw it in the lines of her eyes, in the corner of her mouth, in the way she held her neck upright when challenged.

Every other piece of her was Cassian.  Wild dark hair, sparkling hazel eyes, permanent smirking mouth, and those long, handsome lashes.

I was grateful for her every day, for the  _ marvel _ of her.

This child who held her head up high, who did not look for reassurance, who had a sharp, viper tongue, just like mine. 

My daughter was nothing like I'd ever imagined, and somehow so much more.    

 

***

####  Abarron

Sunsets in Velaris were unparallelled.

I hadn’t seen nearly as many as my father or uncles, but I  _ had  _ seen more than my siblings.  No matter how long I lived, I knew I would never see enough of them.

They were all unique - new combinations of colors and light.  Canvases in the sky, painted with clouds and birds. The city was built to admire them, from any neighborhood, or any building.

I would never,  _ ever _ tire of them.

My uncles teased me relentlessly for my attachment to them.  I knew I didn’t have a real reason to admire them as much as my father did - as much as my father loved the sky at all.  Certainly not fifty years of darkness, but I’d been captured before, kidnapped, imprisoned. Never for very long, but long enough.

As my father had taught me, peace was a precarious position.  It required care and caution. I never took it for granted.

Every sunset in Velaris, was a blessing.

“You’re all thoughts tonight,” Nesta said from my left.  Her eyes sparkled in the vibrant light of the setting sun. “I thought you wanted to talk.”

I tried to hide a sheepish smile.  “Sunsets, you know.”

She did know, and never teased me for it.  Not once.

I had asked her to walk with me through the newly completed public garden in The Rainbow.  It was a gift from my mother to the artists she loved. The garden was a tiered masterpiece along the Sidra, with foliage from all over the realm.  Before us was an open view of the city and the sea beyond.

Long ago, my aunt and I used to take walks more often.  We dreamed and we laughed about our family. Sometimes we strategized or relived memories. In more recent years, it had been more difficult to find the time.

“Do you need a handkerchief, Ab?” teased a childish voice over my shoulder.

Thirteen years of difficulty, to be precise.

“Dina,” Nesta chided.

My sister had somehow clambered into the nearest tree, and was hanging upside down from the branches by her knees.  Her wings draped behind her, like great bat wings and she looked just like a demon.

“Have you no propriety?” I hissed, glancing around the garden for onlookers.  “This is a  _ public _ garden.”

Dina rolled her eyes.  “When was the last time mother and father cared about public appearances?”

_ Mother help me. _

“Well, do you have a plan on how to get down?” I asked instead, gesturing towards her skirts.

My sister was holding her skirts up with straight arms.  Had I not been there, she surely would have let them fall over her head.

“Come, darling,” Nesta said gently, hurrying over to the tree to help her down.  “Let’s keep all our parts covered today, shall we?”

With a dramatic sigh, Dina unhooked her knees and fell gently into Nesta’s arms.  When she righted herself they both joined me back on the path.

“I don’t get what the big deal is,” she whined.  “There’s no one here. You’re so uptight, Ab…”

“Oh hush,” Nesta scolded. “You should fear the day you have as many thoughts in your head as we do.”

Dina glared at me pointedly but walked besides us as quietly as she could manage.

My sister was a wild little fae, far more troublesome than my little brother had ever dreamed to be.  Even Nuri watched her with wide, disbelieving eyes. I was never sure if her behavior was because she was the youngest in our family, my parents’ experience and willingness to be more tolerant, or because she had a soul of pure evil.

All were possible, as far as I was concerned.

I was annoyed that she was here at all.  I had wanted to speak privately with my aunt, not entertain a thirteen-year-old hell child.

Nesta caught my eye over my sister’s head and offered me a sympathetic smile.  In another heartbeat, her attention wavered for a mere second before I sensed it too.

Massive wings, thundering heart, loud fucking mouth.

Was this a family reunion or something?

“There’s my Emissary,” boomed Cassian from the sky.  He glided down into a smooth landing on the flagstones and smiled lovingly at his wife.

She smiled too, but only for a moment before-

“Dad!”

Cassian’s face scrunched into a sheepish smile as he muttered, “ _ Shit _ ,” before being knocked to the ground by another Illyrian.

“You were supposed to move!” Larin cried, pulling herself off her father and shoving him slightly.

“Well, I forgot.”

“Well we crashed.”

“I’m aware.”

I helped my cousin to her feet while Nesta pulled up Cassian.  They dusted themselves off and eyed each other with mischief.

Perhaps it was because she wasn’t my sister, perhaps it was because she was quiet and thoughtful, perhaps it was because of luck - but Larin was my second favorite family member.  We’d recently become partners in diplomacy in the Night Court. She was just like her mother even if she looked pure Illyrian; viper tongue, observant as hell and no tolerance for foolishness.

She held onto my hand now, one of her last lingering habits from childhood.  I squeezed it.

Cassian had wandered over to his wife for a greeting, which she offered grudgingly, still holding my eye.  Her face was tight and displeased. With enough persuasion, however, she laughed quietly and let Cassian demand her full attention.

Much like my sister, Nesta and Uncle Cassian had the freedom to be wild. For as long as I can remember, that's what they had been known for. They had no royal titles to speak of, which in our court demanded no less respect,  _ but  _ it did allow them freedom of behavior that I wasn't necessarily afforded. 

They functioned on duty, and where they were commanded, they would go. Whatever was required of them, they would most certainly give. 

Strength. 

Honor.

Sacrifice…

I admired them so much.  I always would.

My sister crashed into my other side and took my other hand.  “Ab!” she shouted. 

_ Why  _ the shouting?  There was no one here but us.

“You promised to take us down to the beach for a bonfire,” she said, pointing towards the sparkling sea in the distance.

“I did not.”

“You did!” she pleaded. “Please winnow us?”

I pulled my hand from her grip.  “Surely you can fly. You can see the ocean from here!”

“But you promised!”

I looked over at Larin, my touchstone for truth in these matters.  She cringed reluctantly. “You  _ did _ ,” she said.  “Yesterday.”

I groaned then rounded on my sister.  “What do you need a bonfire for anyway?”

Dina looked at me like I was crazy.  “Nuri said it keeps the demons out of the city.”

I exchanged a glance with Nesta and Cassian.  

_ Nuri, you sneaky little shit. _

Before another moment passed, Cassian lifted his hands and stepped forward.  “Don’t worry Ab, I’ll take them. I’ll even teach them a few things about what keeps demons out of the city.”

The girls groaned.

“ _ And _ ,” he added, holding up a finger, “We can practice the swift dives we’ve been talking about for a while now.”

More groaning.

“But  _ Dad _ , we already had a flying lesson today.”

Without another word, Cassian swooped both girls up, one under each arm, and jumped into the sky.  His wings boomed in the air around us with the girls’ screams and laughter.

“Hold dinner for me, darling,” he called behind him, “We’ll be back after sundown!”

Nesta was watching me with a knowing smile. 

“See,” she said.  “ _ Now _ we’re alone.  Bless Cassian, the lord of Bloodshed, my clever husband.”

I chuckled and scratched the back of my neck, suddenly feeling shy and awkward.  I needed to ask her something...

“What is it, dearest?” she asked, reaching for my hands.  “You’re all in your head, sunset or not.”

Her pale eyes watched me as I tried to find the words.

“It’s Varda,” I said, eventually.

Her face went slack.  “Is she all right? Are you both all right?”

“Yes,” I waved a hand.  “It’s just that…. I think I should probably marry her…” I mumbled.

My aunt shot me one of her patented, icy glares.  I practically felt the frost on my skin. “ _ Abarron _ ,” she hissed, lowering her brows.  “You  _ think _ ?”

I fisted my hair in my hands and let out a groan.  “I mean I  _ want _ to.  Of course I want to.  I don’t want to marry anyone  _ else _ .  But everyone I know waited hundreds of years to find their partner.”

Nesta’s gaze softened.  “You’re luckier than all of us, then,” she said, gently.

I  _ was _ lucky.  I knew that.  Of  _ course _ I knew that.  And not just in general, but with Varda.  She was brilliant in every way imaginable.  Strong, fast, intelligent. We’d had the luxury of keeping our relationship private for years.  The nature of her post kept her away for long periods of time. I visited often, and fought by her side when I could.  I had my own apartments in Velaris, where she stayed when she visited. We were removed from family and onlookers most of the time.

Despite all of that, the spanse of immortal time was twisting my thoughts in knots.  Would she want me for a thousand years more? Some day, far from now, I would become High Lord of the Night Court.  Would she want that? Would she take me, even with the threat that we may someday find our mates?

I covered my face with my hands and pressed my fingers into my eye sockets.  “But what if it’s not  _ right _ , Nesta?”

I felt Nesta’s hand on my arm.  “What does ‘right’ mean to you? Assurance?  Happiness?”

I shrugged.

“There’s hardly any way to guarantee that, darling.  All you can know is that you love each other. In the end, that’s all that really matters.”

I lowered my hands and watched my aunt carefully. Certainty was something Nesta knew a great deal about, which is why I’d brought her here tonight.  I wanted to ask her, wanted to know… But I didn’t want to upset her. 

We wandered over to the railing to watch the last sliver of sun fade into night.  In the distance, black shapes were circling over the cliffside. Nesta smiled fondly at the shapes as they dove out of view, then soared back into the sky.

My question burned at the tip of my tongue, but I bit down, still too frightened to ask.

Nesta’s head turned slightly and she arched a brow.  “I know you want to ask. You can.”

I picked at a chip in the marble railing with my finger and sucked in a breath before asking, “Do you regret any of what happened in Radeniel?”

She stared ahead into the fading orange light.  Her hand pressed to the center of her chest, massaging an invisible pain inside.  “I try to tell myself that given the chance to do it over, I would listen to Azriel the first time - that I would leave right away, and come back home.”

“But?”

She faced me.  “ _ But _ , who knows what would have happened if I had left with that thread tied to me for the rest of my life.  I don’t know if I could have stayed away as the years passed by. It was horrible up close, but across an ocean?  I shudder at the thought.”

I reached for her hand, and she smiled.

“Then there’s the treaty and my family,” Nesta said.  “Even through my suffering, we still achieved peace. I’m grateful for it every moment.  What of Larin?” she asked, eyes seeking the smallest Illyrian shape in the sky. “Without everything I went through, I may not have ever been ready for her.”

At last, the light from the sun slipped under the horizon and we were left with the muted red sky and the periwinkle approaching night.

“Are you worried about finding your mate?” she asked.  I pretended not to notice the way her voice trembled on the word.

“No,” I said quietly.  “Or, at least, I know I can live through it.”

Nesta raised her brows.  “Do you?”

I leaned into her shoulder with mine.  “I know I can, because you did.”

She sucked in a quick breath and lifted her chin.  When she looked at me next, her eyes were full of tears.  She looked so much like my mother, but she was always different somehow.  Taller, more angular.

Stronger, sometimes.

“Abarron,” she whispered.

“ _ And _ ,” I added, “You owe me one.  So if I end up trapped in my future mate’s kingdom somehow, I know you’ll come find me.”

Nesta laughed, even as the tears fell down her cheeks.  “Of course I will,” she said. “Anything for you.”

Our hands were clasped between us, holding tight.

“So,” Nesta said.  “Marriage.”

“Marriage,” I repeated.

“I guess this means you’re all grown up now,” she said, wistfully.  

I snorted.  “I’m sixty-three.  I’ve been grown up for a long time.”

“Not to me,” she sighed.  “Although compared to the girls…”

“Don’t remind me.”

Footsteps padded quietly behind us and I looked over my shoulder to see who it was.  Varda stood a few paces away, hands clasped behind her back. Her short black hair wavered over her forehead in the breeze.  She pushed some of it behind her ear. “Surprise,” she said, softly. All the twisted thoughts in my head about doubt, immortal time and mates, disappeared into black smoke. 

_ She was here _ .

Nesta was already releasing my hands and she patted my cheek as she stepped away from the railing.  “Thanks for the walk, darling.”

I caught her arm before she stepped too far away, and pulled her back into a hug.  “Thank you,” I said, holding tight.

She kissed my cheek, then Varda’s and left us alone in the garden, lit only by the evening sky.  Varda stepped into my arms in a way that was wonderfully familiar. We had been apart for a few weeks this time.  It never realized how much I missed her until I had her back. Her hands twisted into my hair as she kissed me.

“How long do we have?” I asked.

“A few days,” she sighed, tilting her head to one side so I could kiss her neck and the hard edge of her jaw.

_ A few days _ , I thought.  A few days to wait, or a few days to celebrate?

“Varda.”  I loved the sound of her name.  The shape of her face. The way she looked at me.  The first stars in the sky were reflected in her dark eyes as she watched me.

This female was meant to be mine.  She was everything. 

_ A few days to celebrate, then _ .

I lowered myself to one knee.  My voice shook as I said, “I have something to ask you.”

 

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for loving Abarron as much as I do. I thought it would be a nice way to end everything, by having Nesta's sacrifice mean something for his future.
> 
> Because he is the future and we will protect him.
> 
> This story is now complete, and I am proud, excited and relieved, lol. Thank you all again for your support.
> 
> Until next time!


End file.
